Recently I found out that I was getting a slight shock from all the metal stuff in my apartment. That’s right, actual electric shock from the door handles, taps, etc. There was obviously a power leak somewhere. So I talked to the caretaker about it. He came right away and felt the front door’s handle. After getting a slight jolt he looked at me, smiled and said, “Its only a slight shock sir. Let it go. You need to spend more time outside the house”, to which both of us laughed hysterically. Then I did what anyone else would do in these situations. I pulled him by his arm and made him grab the window grille. While he received a good dose of current, for some reason I screamed, “oh yeah baby! feel that lightning”, which made me re-evaluate what I was doing with my life.
This is an update on a prank I’ve been playing on my colleagues for the past one week. I’m sure you’ve read my post about it. If you haven’t already, I kindly request you to stop fucking around and go read it. Appreciate my talent for god’s sake. I work in R&D. I own 3 pairs of headphones. I’m a big deal, is what I’m trying to say.
Anyway, the prank was going great. Today, I got a friend who came over and asked if I was okay. I thought to myself, ” hurray! she’s the funniest of the lot. I am going to get a great response out of her!”. So I gave her the bait.
Me: “Do you ever think about suicide?”.
Me: (in my mind) “oh shit”
Colleague: “I think my parents hate me”
Me: (in my mind) “double shit”
Colleague: “It started ever since that evil sibling of mine was born. My life has been hell after that”
Lets just say things started to get real tense after that. I’m not used to seeing people burst out in tears. So I jumped up and ended the bit quickly. As years pass by, the more I feel like funny people carry a lot of pain. I got really pissed however, when I found out she was pranking me. That’s some ‘fire with fire’ shit right there.
I’ve been trying out this new ‘bit’ at work where I’ll go to the cafeteria, put on some fake tears and I’ll sit there, looking into the distance, waiting for someone to come sit next to me and ask “are you all right?”. Then I would put my hand on their back and ask “have you ever thought about suicide?”. Normally they would say, “oh my god! No! Why?”, to which I would reply, “you should, because I think everyone hates you”.
Most of the time both of us would end up having a good laugh unless they were actually thinking of committing suicide, in which case things would take a dark turn and I’ll have to hear all about it. However, I’ll sit there and listen to the whole story because that’s what friends do.
Woke up this morning to find a ton of notifications from Facebook. To me, such a large number of notifications from Facebook could only mean one thing: I forgot my birthday. Luckily it wasn’t. I open Facebook and the first thing I see is a picture of a colleague. Photo showed him lying down on a lawn, looking at the sky. Photo was captioned ‘thinking of you’ and in it were tagged his girlfriend, his mom and you guessed it, me. Why the mom was included is a mystery on its own but lets just focus on me for a moment. I thought, “well, this is funny. I should probably go have a friendly chat with him so that I can figure out the truth behind this funny little mystery. So while having coffee I said in a calm, jovial voice, “cocksucker, why did you tag me in that waste-of-internet-space? People already think I’m gay” To which he replied,” Hey man, I was feeling happy. Wanted all my friends to know. Thought I could introduce you to my mom and girlfriend in a special way”.
So now he’s looking at me like I’m supposed to say, “Oh! that makes perfect sense. Thank you dear friend who I don’t even talk to that much”. Instead, I did that thing that I do that makes the ladies go wild. I tilted my face, smiled and said,”Un-tag me fuckstick. Or I’ll do it myself”. But with love.
Its simple really. Before I reveal the answer, here’s a little backstory. Lets rewind to a few minutes before the engineer’s death. The engineer realises that everything he’s learnt, everything he’s experienced, everything he loved may soon be lost forever. This brings immense sadness to the inventor’s gentle heart. However, he remembers all the great scientists and YouTube videos about multiverses and the law of conservation of energy. This reignites the fire of curiosity in him for one last time. Our engineer has now successfully converted fear into curiosity. He is now curious to know what happens after death. This gives him the courage to meet death head on. However he starts to wonder why this shit is taking too long. Soon he realises that he can’t think properly and his memory is starting to fade. He can’t remember his favourite song. He cant remember any songs. He thinks to himself, “Oh well. I hope I get to meet dad at least”. He starts to find it difficult to breathe. Now he knows the time is near. So he opens his eyes for one last time, takes a look around the empty room and then slowly closes it with a smile on his face.
And then nothingness…
Oh common! You didn’t think that would be the end of it did you? That was too dark to accept!
The engineer wakes up from bed with tears rolling down his eyes and hopes it to god that the wetness in the pants are also tears. He jumps up from bed in astonishment only to hear his lame ass room mate yell “will you turn off that damn alarm? Don’t you have a job?” to which he gracefully replies “I JUST DIED YOU MOTHERFUCKER”.
I wish I knew what happens after death. I think death is the only thing in the world that can put a limit on imagination. I just thought the title was really cool!
I woke up to find myself lying on a lawn in front of someone’s house. I got up to leave but upon seeing something, I suddenly I lost the ability to move my body. You see, a shiny block of metal gently flew down from the sky. It levitated above the lawn. It was about my size and rectangular in shape. No sound. Just the wind, a few birds and leaves. I touched it. It felt cold. I stepped on it. It wobbled a bit. I stood on top of it to see if it was stable. Surprisingly, it was!. It started to rise. I didn’t feel scared though. I didn’t try to get down. It went up slowly. As soon as the trees started to look small I grew scared and stopped looking down. I saw the clouds pass by. It rained a little bit. The floor became slippery. The wind grew stronger and the block started to wobble. So I lay face down and grabbed the sides tightly. Now what could possibly happen that could be worse than the current situation? Things started to get a little worse when the block all of a sudden decided to flip upside down. So now I am desperately trying to hang on while having a panic attack. It felt like all of this was a big mistake. I wanted to go back. I wanted to see my mom.
Somehow I managed to climb back on top of the frikking block. I was so tired that I lay there for a few minutes. Only then did I notice that it had turned dark and I could see the stars. All of a sudden, I didn’t feel scared anymore. I felt eager to see what was outside this world. I wanted to see the gigantic stars up lose. So I lay there waiting. But the block kept going and going. I started to get impatient. I looked back down. I did not like what I saw. I was so caught up in the excitement that I had entirely forgot the fact that I was leaving behind my world. My home was gone. It had faded away into the darkness. I’ll be honest. At this point I really really wanted to go back to my apartment, watch a nice movie and go to bed. I didn’t care if I didn’t have any friends. I didn’t care if I wasn’t getting a raise. I didn’t care if I was stuck in a shitty part of the world. I wanted my boring life back. I just wanted to go home.
I fell asleep but woke up soon after to find that the block had stopped moving. The stars still looked like they were far away. I was so sad that I tried to reach out to them. To my surprise, they began to move. Like dust in the air, they moved with a wave of my hand. I could almost touch them but they were too light. They kept slipping out of my hand. They had shrunk to the size of tiny grains of sand. I found myself enveloped in darkness and in my hand were tiny stars. I thought to myself,
“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? SOMEONE WAKE ME UP! WAKE ME UP!”
My life wasn’t going the way I had planned. Depression attacked me brutally. I needed motivation. I needed to make changes to my life. So I asked the gym instructor if I could paste my manager’s photo on the punching bag. He said anger should be channeled into exercise. I asked if I could take a picture of him. He denied.