Lost in laughter

News spread far and wide, about the birth of two little boys, two little boys of Mr. John Smith, named Casio and Deadpan Johnson. Casio was the quiet one. He knew what he wanted. He mostly kept to himself. He was very picky, very precise, very calculative. Although he did not do well with other kids at school, he helped them with Meth…I mean Math. He was last seen on a swing in school. Now, Deadpan Johnson is who the story is really about. Big guy, with big needs. Very money-minded. Did not get along with the family. When the boys lived with their father, Deadpan never ate dinner with the family, instead, he would eat at a temple.

16 years flew by. Rumours of a young man who resembles Casio came from far far away, from a distant continent. Today, is the 4th of February, 1998. Deadpan is tying his shoe laces to travel to Japan…

Luminaries

When the people of the woods saw a light approaching from above, they put out the fire, and head to their huts, everyone but the huntsmen. They blended into the trees, more silent than the leaves, where they waited to face the horror. The blue light came closer, lowered into the trees, and then vanished. The huntsmen gripped their bows tighter, as there was complete silence in the woods. A rustle of leaves was heard dangerously close to the dying fire. Unfortunately for the huntsmen, what could not be seen with their eyes was very much visible to their loyal dogs, which is why a young hunter let out a faint gasp of despair when his four legged friend broke his leash, and bolted towards the dying fire.

Man, I love the Predator.

 

Sweat

I was at the grocery market today, when I saw a tall man wearing a robe walking towards me. He got uncomfortably close. The fact that he also looked like the Grim Reaper did not help the situation at all. Immediately, I did that thing that I do when I sense danger at close proximity. I made an educated guess of his body structure(without staring at him, because I’m not a creep), and devised a BKUCES(ball-kick and upper-cut cum exit-strategy). To my surprise, he came close to my ear and whispered, “do you want potatoes?”. I was a little relieved because I was expecting something along the lines of “drugs” or “illegal imported goods”. 

Me: No

Grim Reaper: They are really good

Me: There’s potatoes all over the place

Grim Reaper: Oh, ok. 

 

Poseidon and winter’s anomalies

Long, long ago, in a small town called Topsia, lived a woodpecker named Poseidon. How did he get the name Poseidon, you ask? None of your business. I’m telling the story.
Now, Poseidon was a careful pecker, the kind that flies around with safety gear, like Tom Cruise. Poseidon’s only dream was to see his daughter get married to a industrialist named Timothy Olyphant, but alas! She was gay. News of her gayness spread far and wide, even to the nearby zoo. Now, the zookeeper of this zoo was a religious fundamentalist. When he saw two of these birds doing it at the water fountain, he lost his goddamn mind. He shooed them away.
That’s right. This guy wakes up in the morning, goes to work, and shoos away gay birds. If you thought your life was meaningless, think again and again and again.

Sophisticated short stories

Far, far away, on a magical island, at the heart of the seven seas, lived a little turtle named Timothy Olyphant. Timothy, unlike all the other turtles, had dreams of mating with ant eaters. Unfortunately for Timothy, depression took control of his life. He was pelted with nightmares of a red-eyed devil-rabbit, beating him at the Asian games at sprinting. But Timothy was no quitter. Timothy wanted to fly. So he gathered all the courage he could get, and climbed the tallest tree he could find. 

The end

Pool games

Back in the day,  my friends and I used to play this game called ‘watch hunt’, where we would set up a watch to chime once every minute and then drop it into the swimming pool. Whoever found the watch first, won the ultimate prize, which was, a chance to walk back home, safely, without getting beaten up. It was kind of a deep pool. So it was not that easy to win. It was so much fun! Except for this one time, when six of us went down the pool and only five came back up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s just jokes you guys! Don’t be weirded out. All six of us came back up. It’s just that… one of us wasn’t breathing.

For more childhood horror stories, please visit some other blog. Feel free to share some of your own horror stories. Comment below!

Lightning

Recently I found out that I was getting a slight shock from all the metal stuff in my apartment. That’s right, actual electric shock from the door handles, taps, etc. There was obviously a power leak somewhere. So I talked to the caretaker about it. He came right away and felt the front door’s handle. After getting a slight jolt he looked at me, smiled and said, “Its only a slight shock sir. Let it go. You need to spend more time outside the house”, to which both of us laughed hysterically. Then I did what anyone else would do in these situations. I pulled him by his arm and made him grab the window grille. While he received a good dose of current, for some reason I screamed, “oh yeah baby! feel that lightning”, which made me re-evaluate what I was doing with my life.

Insensitive-update

This is an update on a prank I’ve been playing on my colleagues for the past one week. I’m sure you’ve read my post about it. If you haven’t already, I kindly request you to stop fucking around and go read it. Appreciate my talent for god’s sake. I work in R&D. I own 3 pairs of headphones. I’m a big deal, is what I’m trying to say. 

https://randomthoughtbeam.wordpress.com/2018/02/09/insensitive/

Anyway, the prank was going great. Today, I got a friend who came over and asked if I was okay. I thought to myself, ” hurray! she’s the funniest of the lot. I am going to get a great response out of her!”. So I gave her the bait.

Me: “Do you ever think about suicide?”. 

Colleague: “Yes”

Me: (in my mind) “oh shit”

Colleague: “I think my parents hate me”

Me: (in my mind) “double shit”

Colleague: “It started ever since that evil sibling of mine was born. My life has been hell after that”

Lets just say things started to get real tense after that. I’m not used to seeing people burst out in tears. So I jumped up and ended the bit quickly. As years pass by, the more I feel like funny people carry a lot of pain. I got really pissed however, when I found out she was pranking me. That’s some ‘fire with fire’ shit right there.

Insensitive

I’ve been trying out this new ‘bit’ at work where I’ll go to the cafeteria, put on some fake tears and I’ll sit there, looking into the distance, waiting for someone to come sit next to me and ask “are you all right?”. Then I would put my hand on their back and ask “have you ever thought about suicide?”. Normally they would say, “oh my god! No! Why?”, to which I would reply, “you should, because I think everyone hates you”.

Most of the time both of us would end up having a good laugh unless they were actually thinking of committing suicide, in which case things would take a dark turn and I’ll have to hear all about it. However, I’ll sit there and listen to the whole story because that’s what friends do.

 

Untag

Woke up this morning to find a ton of notifications from Facebook. To me, such a large number of notifications from Facebook could only mean one thing: I forgot my birthday. Luckily it wasn’t. I open Facebook and the first thing I see is a picture of a colleague. Photo showed him lying down on a lawn, looking at the sky. Photo was captioned ‘thinking of you’ and in it were tagged his girlfriend, his mom and you guessed it, me. Why the mom was included is a mystery on its own but lets just focus on me for a moment. I thought, “well, this is funny. I should probably go have a friendly chat with him so that I can figure out the truth behind this funny little mystery. So while having coffee I said in a calm, jovial voice, “cocksucker, why did you tag me in that waste-of-internet-space? People already think I’m gay” To which he replied,” Hey man, I was feeling happy. Wanted all my friends to know. Thought I could introduce you to my mom and girlfriend in a special way”.

So now he’s looking at me like I’m supposed to say, “Oh! that makes perfect sense. Thank you dear friend who I don’t even talk to that much”. Instead, I did that thing that I do that makes the ladies go wild. I tilted my face, smiled and said,”Un-tag me fuckstick. Or I’ll do it myself”. But with love.