I wish these stories were true

Sweat

I was at the grocery market today, when I saw a tall man wearing a robe walking towards me. He got uncomfortably close. The fact that he also looked like the Grim Reaper did not help the situation at all. Immediately, I did that thing that I do when I sense danger at close proximity. I made an educated guess of his body structure(without staring at him, because I’m not a creep), and devised a BKUCES(ball-kick and upper-cut cum exit-strategy). To my surprise, he came close to my ear and whispered, “do you want potatoes?”. I was a little relieved because I was expecting something along the lines of “drugs” or “illegal imported goods”. 

Me: No

Grim Reaper: They are really good

Me: There’s potatoes all over the place

Grim Reaper: Oh, ok. 

 

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Poseidon and winter’s anomalies

Long, long ago, in a small town called Topsia, lived a woodpecker named Poseidon. How did he get the name Poseidon, you ask? None of your business. I’m telling the story.
Now, Poseidon was a careful pecker, the kind that flies around with safety gear, like Tom Cruise. Poseidon’s only dream was to see his daughter get married to a industrialist named Timothy Olyphant, but alas! She was gay. News of her gayness spread far and wide, even to the nearby zoo. Now, the zookeeper of this zoo was a religious fundamentalist. When he saw two of these birds doing it at the water fountain, he lost his goddamn mind. He shooed them away.
That’s right. This guy wakes up in the morning, goes to work, and shoos away gay birds. If you thought your life was meaningless, think again and again and again.

Sophisticated short stories

Far, far away, on a magical island, at the heart of the seven seas, lived a little turtle named Timothy Olyphant. Timothy, unlike all the other turtles, had dreams of mating with ant eaters. Unfortunately for Timothy, depression took control of his life. He was pelted with nightmares of a red-eyed devil-rabbit, beating him at the Asian games at sprinting. But Timothy was no quitter. Timothy wanted to fly. So he gathered all the courage he could get, and climbed the tallest tree he could find. 

The end

Pool games

Back in the day,  my friends and I used to play this game called ‘watch hunt’, where we would set up a watch to chime once every minute and then drop it into the swimming pool. Whoever found the watch first, won the ultimate prize, which was, a chance to walk back home, safely, without getting beaten up. It was kind of a deep pool. So it was not that easy to win. It was so much fun! Except for this one time, when six of us went down the pool and only five came back up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s just jokes you guys! Don’t be weirded out. All six of us came back up. It’s just that… one of us wasn’t breathing.

For more childhood horror stories, please visit some other blog. Feel free to share some of your own horror stories. Comment below!

Lightning

Recently I found out that I was getting a slight shock from all the metal stuff in my apartment. That’s right, actual electric shock from the door handles, taps, etc. There was obviously a power leak somewhere. So I talked to the caretaker about it. He came right away and felt the front door’s handle. After getting a slight jolt he looked at me, smiled and said, “Its only a slight shock sir. Let it go. You need to spend more time outside the house”, to which both of us laughed hysterically. Then I did what anyone else would do in these situations. I pulled him by his arm and made him grab the window grille. While he received a good dose of current, for some reason I screamed, “oh yeah baby! feel that lightning”, which made me re-evaluate what I was doing with my life.

Insensitive-update

This is an update on a prank I’ve been playing on my colleagues for the past one week. I’m sure you’ve read my post about it. If you haven’t already, I kindly request you to stop fucking around and go read it. Appreciate my talent for god’s sake. I work in R&D. I own 3 pairs of headphones. I’m a big deal, is what I’m trying to say. 

https://randomthoughtbeam.wordpress.com/2018/02/09/insensitive/

Anyway, the prank was going great. Today, I got a friend who came over and asked if I was okay. I thought to myself, ” hurray! she’s the funniest of the lot. I am going to get a great response out of her!”. So I gave her the bait.

Me: “Do you ever think about suicide?”. 

Colleague: “Yes”

Me: (in my mind) “oh shit”

Colleague: “I think my parents hate me”

Me: (in my mind) “double shit”

Colleague: “It started ever since that evil sibling of mine was born. My life has been hell after that”

Lets just say things started to get real tense after that. I’m not used to seeing people burst out in tears. So I jumped up and ended the bit quickly. As years pass by, the more I feel like funny people carry a lot of pain. I got really pissed however, when I found out she was pranking me. That’s some ‘fire with fire’ shit right there.

Insensitive

I’ve been trying out this new ‘bit’ at work where I’ll go to the cafeteria, put on some fake tears and I’ll sit there, looking into the distance, waiting for someone to come sit next to me and ask “are you all right?”. Then I would put my hand on their back and ask “have you ever thought about suicide?”. Normally they would say, “oh my god! No! Why?”, to which I would reply, “you should, because I think everyone hates you”.

Most of the time both of us would end up having a good laugh unless they were actually thinking of committing suicide, in which case things would take a dark turn and I’ll have to hear all about it. However, I’ll sit there and listen to the whole story because that’s what friends do.