funny

Fishy fishy

As the days go by, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to meditate. The mind is getting restless. It’s becoming more and more difficult to tame. Today however, I fell asleep while trying to meditate. It’s like I put so much effort into trying to focus that I got tired, and fell asleep. It’s always nice to wake up from a nap, and realize it’s only been an hour or 15 minutes. It’s not fun when you wake up and half your life is over.

ERP

Now, the internet defines ERP therapy as something very comfortable and soothing, but in reality it is not. I know there’s steps to it, but it still seems weird. So, for anyone who doesn’t know what ERP is, it stands for Extremely Radical Pornography. JK. It’s a kind of therapy that exposes people to their fears in a safe environment, and this apparently fixes them. When my therapist told me to do the one thing that made me uncomfortable, my initial reaction was to demand my money back (with interest). It would have been very funny to see how that played out, but no, I chose to remain calm, and do whatever she said because she’s the one with the degrees and the note pad, and I’m the one who’s afraid of talking to people. So far, it’s been going without any major issues, except every time I do the ERP, I feel like I’m punching a demon in the face, and how long can I keep punching a demon in the face? If horrors movies have taught me anything, it’s that the only way to get rid of a demon infestation is to invite a priest over for coffee, and stop thinking rationally.

The fault in our seeds

My life’s not going the way I want, I’ve got all this anxiety and finally this happens. I get bananas with little seeds in them. A BANANA with a fucking SEED in it. Can you believe this shit? At first I thought it was a bug or something, and I spat it out but then it kept happening, and I was like “this is a sign. This has got to be a sign”. This is like a story straight out of the bible, where a wealthy king disobeyed God’s word, and then he got a banana with a seed in it, and that was it, his whole family died. His dick became flaccid, the water supply ran out, it was the end of the world. That’s how you know it’s the end of the world, it’s when you bite into a seed from a fucking banana.

The small one

I would like to make a shout out to an earlier post that I did about a magical fruit called the banana, and this is a continuation of it, but it’s about a smaller banana. Trust me, this is not a dick joke. I love the small banana. Tell me if I’m wrong but it’s hard as fuck to find a good small banana. It has to be the right time, at the right place, the weather has to be good, the traffic light has to be green, there’s just so many requirements, but when you do find the right one, it’s muy bueno. It’s magic. It’s like, how can a fruit taste so good? You know that fruits are the garbage of the food industry right? Then how can they make a tasty, small, squishy fruit like this? How many can you carry? like, at least 10. That’s why they’re sold by the dozen. No one buys 2 small bananas. Actually, down south they do. They treat it like dessert, which I think is very demeaning, but anyway. What we need to do now is promote the eating of this magical fruit, and get this, one fits perfectly in your mouth. Have you ever noticed that? It’s not dick jokes I swear. One whole small banana fits perfectly in your mouth. Why do you think God did that? Because he wanted something to feed the masses. He designed something so small and so soft that it surprises you. Out with the long and hard. In with the small and soft. I swear, please, it’s not dick dick jokes. So today, I found that special bunch. That hard to get, perfectly ripe, perfectly sweet bunch of small bananas, and… I started eating them. I downed 4, and then it hit me. Wait a minute… I don’t have to worry abut finishing them so quickly because guess what bitches? They don’t go bad for days. Unlike their long hard cousins, they last longer. They don’t need to be pumped up with chemicals to last longer, they’re just naturally superior. I swear… trust me, these dick jokes aren’t intentional.

I hear everything

The sound of wind on another planet gives me shivers. The emptiness makes me uneasy. It sounds so desolate. So dark and gloomy. So poetic. I love it. Having said that, there could very well be a tiny little alien jerking off right behind the camera.

Podcast Episode 8- Camping, customer service, and baked goods

Enjoy this delicious conversation between two grown adults

Ep.31 The Batman- Review Next-level Nothing

The Joker, Matt Reeves, The future of Batman movies — Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/randomthoughtbeam/message
  1. Ep.31 The Batman- Review
  2. Ep.30 Willie Slap
  3. Ep.29 Luxury Vs Functionality
  4. Ep.28 Is this the downfall of Marvel?
  5. Ep.27 Christmas time!

Dealing with negativity

“Hey douche bag how’s tjings going?
Recomend some youtube videos man”

These are the words of a dear friend of mine, sent to me via text. I consider such requests, windows of opportunity, to reignite my lost passion for hurling abuse. Hence I replied “I’ll let you know as soon as I finish uploading the video of me jerking off to pizza”.

The more I write, the more I realize why my life hasn’t turned out the way I wanted it to.

TTT

I haven’t moved from my chair since morning, and I feel horrible, and I want to kill myself.

So it’s Truth Time Tuesdays with Random Thought Beam everybody! This is the time to step forward, and admit a truth from your personal life. Don’t be afraid. Worst case scenario, we end up becoming friends, and I use it later in life to blackmail you. Slim chance.

Telling yourself you are ok mentally? Get that sweet therapy. Don’t be a pussy. Ask for help. 

Lying to yourself about your marriage? Dump that shit. Get outta there. Save yourself. Live your life. Roam free.

Hate your job? Stop making excuses. Fly away little bird. Greener pastures await you in Valhalla.

My truth: I am nothing like what I’ve portrayed myself in this blog. In reality, I am insecure. I don’t talk much. I am incredibly immature for my age, I have very few friends, and I love my life. Peace!

The thought of burning my underwear

You might think the title of this post was pure click bait but you are wrong. This was a legitimate thought I had today when I found out the apples I bought about month ago had gone bad. I am now at a point in my life where I would actually find it exciting to walk up to the roof and burn my underwear. Just because I can. I have the freedom to do so.

PS: For the love of God, don’t burn your underwear. I didn’t burn mine. Don’t be an idiot. Do something nice. Help someone out. Go watch Deadpool or something. Oh, I almost forgot. Here’s a picture of a dead bird.

IMG_20180513_203838.jpg

Have a good weekend.