funny

I hear everything

The sound of wind on another planet gives me shivers. The emptiness makes me uneasy. It sounds so desolate. So dark and gloomy. So poetic. I love it. Having said that, there could very well be a tiny little alien jerking off right behind the camera.

Dealing with negativity

“Hey douche bag how’s tjings going?
Recomend some youtube videos man”

These are the words of a dear friend of mine, sent to me via text. I consider such requests, windows of opportunity, to reignite my lost passion for hurling abuse. Hence I replied “I’ll let you know as soon as I finish uploading the video of me jerking off to pizza”.

The more I write, the more I realize why my life hasn’t turned out the way I wanted it to.

TTT

I haven’t moved from my chair since morning, and I feel horrible, and I want to kill myself.

So it’s Truth Time Tuesdays with Random Thought Beam everybody! This is the time to step forward, and admit a truth from your personal life. Don’t be afraid. Worst case scenario, we end up becoming friends, and I use it later in life to blackmail you. Slim chance.

Telling yourself you are ok mentally? Get that sweet therapy. Don’t be a pussy. Ask for help. 

Lying to yourself about your marriage? Dump that shit. Get outta there. Save yourself. Live your life. Roam free.

Hate your job? Stop making excuses. Fly away little bird. Greener pastures await you in Valhalla.

My truth: I am nothing like what I’ve portrayed myself in this blog. In reality, I am insecure. I don’t talk much. I am incredibly immature for my age, I have very few friends, and I love my life. Peace!

The thought of burning my underwear

You might think the title of this post was pure click bait but you are wrong. This was a legitimate thought I had today when I found out the apples I bought about month ago had gone bad. I am now at a point in my life where I would actually find it exciting to walk up to the roof and burn my underwear. Just because I can. I have the freedom to do so.

PS: For the love of God, don’t burn your underwear. I didn’t burn mine. Don’t be an idiot. Do something nice. Help someone out. Go watch Deadpool or something. Oh, I almost forgot. Here’s a picture of a dead bird.

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Have a good weekend.

Tuesdays

Have you seen busy-people wake up on a Tuesday morning and immediately check their mail to see if they’ve got anything important, like an appointment with a client or a review-session for a research paper? Well, today morning I got a mail from Domino’s. It said, “we use real cheese”. I said, “okay. I believe you. I’ve never doubted you for a second”. And then I wrote this poem:

Domino’s and me

I like Domino’s

Domino’s likes me

I have liver problems

Domino’s still, likes me

Sometimes the cheese tastes different

But Domino’s likes me

I go to the gym

Domino’s is close to the gym

I work out a lot

Domino’s doesn’t care

3 days of workout= 1 day of Domino’s

Who gives a shit?

Because Dominos, still likes me

 

Stay tuned for my next one, “I have a dream. A Burger King dream”

Museum of metal wonders

I went to an Archiological Museum. Did I spell that right? Archeology-cal? Archaeoloji. Ar…Ar… Anglican. Anyway… this museum had some unusual stuff in it. I reached the museum quite late. It was about to close. So, a security guard was assigned to guide/nag me through the entire museum. As you all know, I take my museum visits very seriously. So I explicitly stated that the guard maintain a distance of exactly three metres away from me at all times. Why ‘three’ you ask? Well, that’s none of your business. As soon as the receptionist understood that I had difficulty speaking Bengali, she began to shoot questions in English. “Are you South Indian? Where do you stay here? What did you have for dinner yesterday? What’s your blood type?”. You know…the usual stuff. I mean, she was very attractive. That’s probably why I panicked. After a short, uncomfortable conversation, I began the tour with my personal bodyguard.

There were extremely old paintings and pottery(7-14 century). Just as I was about to finish viewing the ground floor, motherfucker(guard) started to blow a damn whistle(probably to ask me to leave). Another guard heard this whistle and started to blow his own whistle. Within a few seconds, the whole fucking museum was whistling. I could see birds fly away from the roof. Motherfuckers were disturbing the wildlife.

As soon I got to the first floor, I knew it was a different scene. You see, there were these sculptures made of metal, kept in glass housings. They were sculpted in the 9th century. I hadn’t seen anything like it before. Figures sculpted with unimaginable level of detail and yet so tiny and realistic. That was not the impressive part. The figures were not of people or animals, rather it looked like something that was taken straight out of a Stephen King movie. There was a figure with an elephant’s head and a slim guy’s body(It had nothing to do with religion). It was holding a walking stick. It had a hunchback. It looked like it was dying. Then there were snakes, dragons and warriors that looked like trees, stuff that I have never seen or could have imagined. I was awestruck.

How could somebody think of that? How wild does ones imagination have to be to make something like that? Where did he get the idea from? Did an alien put it in his mind? Did he dream of it in his sleep? Did his day-to-day life affect the design of the sculpture in any way? Did his family approve of him spending so much time making figures that made no sense to common people? What was going on in his mind when he made it? How was he able to put an ‘idea’ into a sculpture? Does the sculpture mean something? So many questions.

I don’t have any pictures of the metal wonders because pictures were prohibited inside the museum. And I can respect that. All I have is a picture of a tree, from the museum’s garden.

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The metal wonders will always live inside my head. I do not need pictures of them.

On an unrelated note, I got a keyboard. Today is Day 4 with new keyboard.

Side note: I do not know how to play the keyboard.

Facing challenges

On April 28th, 2014, I fell in the toilet. At the time, I was living in a shared accommodation, while studying for my Masters. My roommates were quite the exciting bunch. There was a strange guy from Greece who was in his 40’s. He taught economics to PhD students. Then there was the guitar-player/loner from the U.K. who studied film and media. Lastly, there was a petroleum engineering student from China. Dude was from Shanghai and he had the best stories. The only time we would all hang out together was when there were meetings to discuss maintenance of the flat. For example, who was going to clean the toilet next. I made it a point to skip these meetings because as you all know, I belong to the upper class (sarcasm guys, sarcasm). However, one time, an emergency meeting was called because the shower drain got clogged with pubic hair. The economics guy was furious. He wanted to get to the bottom of this. I suggested DNA testing, to which the loner said “oh you’re definitely going to find my DNA in there. But its not the hair”. As we desperately tried to erase that picture from our heads I came to the realization that all of them were quite angry with me already for not taking the turn to clean the bathroom.

At times, life poses great challenges, guys. It is our job to scrape up the dog shit and fling it back at life’s face. So I finally decided to step up and be a man. I grabbed some tissues and floor cleaner, prayed to Isaac Newton and just went for it. After I had finished, I was in the mood for some fun. So I locked the bathroom door, whipped out my… phone and proceeded to play Temple run. A while later, I heard a knock on the door. It was the engineer. He said,” while you are at it, can you also get the cobwebs on the ceiling?”. Remember guys, I was determined to fling dog shit at life’s face. So I stood up on the toilet and started to clean the ceiling. But to my dismay, I slipped and…you can guess the rest of it.