Curiosity’s guide to acing job interviews

Do your research

What is the name of the company?

What do they do?

How many sex offenders currently work there?

Ask questions

Where is the bathroom?

Has anyone died in the bathroom?

Get comfortable. Own the environment

Begin the conversation with, “you may kneel and kiss the hand now”.

Say things that would peak the interest of the interviewers

Announce that you are going to perform a magic trick. Proceed to stab the table with a pencil. Announce that you are going to make the pencil disappear. Ask for a volunteer from among the interviewers.

Pro tips

It’s always a good idea to eat dried apricots before and after a job interview. That way, you’ll find something to do before and after you take the interview.

Most importantly, smile. Make sure you look someone in the eye while smiling. Continue smiling for one and a half minutes.

A few examples of what not to say during a job interview:

“You are appointed”

“I can cut my own hair”

“I was adopted”

How to respectfully decline a job offer

I’m allergic to whatever you manufacture

 

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It’s Friday again. How is that possible? So soon?

You know how sometimes, everything around you magically aligns to make your day perfect? That shit rarely happens to me. It didn’t happen today either. It was more of a “meh” day for me. Here’s a little taste of the guitar player audition (it was bad)

 

Tips for effective communication with your boss

Step 1: Think

Think about what exactly you want to say before you say it. Remember, all bosses are busy. So you need to keep it short. Also, don’t jibber jabber.

Step 2: Gather courage

There is nothing wrong in communicating your wishes/problems. It is a sign of growth.

Step 3: Go for it

While you walk into their room, depending on what kind of martial arts you are into, make an announcement in their respective language. For example, if you are into Karate, say in Japanese,” I am going to make you pay for all the horrors you made me go through”. Then, show them who’s boss. I recommend going with your best move first. Do it with confidence, with a smile on your face. It will create a lasting impression.

Note:

Step 3 is up for interpretation. It is upto the reader to decide if it is to be taken literally(Stanley Kubrick taught me this).

Disclaimer:

These are just jokes. The name of the frikkin blog is “Random Thought Beam” after all. So don’t try this at home. However, if you do end up beating up your boss, let me know how it goes. Put it up on your blog. Will be a fun read.

Insensitive-update

This is an update on a prank I’ve been playing on my colleagues for the past one week. I’m sure you’ve read my post about it. If you haven’t already, I kindly request you to stop fucking around and go read it. Appreciate my talent for god’s sake. I work in R&D. I own 3 pairs of headphones. I’m a big deal, is what I’m trying to say. 

https://randomthoughtbeam.wordpress.com/2018/02/09/insensitive/

Anyway, the prank was going great. Today, I got a friend who came over and asked if I was okay. I thought to myself, ” hurray! she’s the funniest of the lot. I am going to get a great response out of her!”. So I gave her the bait.

Me: “Do you ever think about suicide?”. 

Colleague: “Yes”

Me: (in my mind) “oh shit”

Colleague: “I think my parents hate me”

Me: (in my mind) “double shit”

Colleague: “It started ever since that evil sibling of mine was born. My life has been hell after that”

Lets just say things started to get real tense after that. I’m not used to seeing people burst out in tears. So I jumped up and ended the bit quickly. As years pass by, the more I feel like funny people carry a lot of pain. I got really pissed however, when I found out she was pranking me. That’s some ‘fire with fire’ shit right there.

Comfort zone

I got a call from a cousin recently. Its one of those cousins that you know, calls once every three or four months to show that he cares and shit. But this time the conversation went a little differently. 

How’s everything? How’s work? How long have you been working there? Are you getting paid well? Do you think that’s good enough for you? Wait… let me tell you this before you even answer. No, that’s not good enough for you. You have to aim higher. Why are you not trying? Say hi to mom .Take care buddy!

I think orphans are lucky in certain ways. I have never been bothered by relatives before but this got me thinking. Besides, dude is a pretty awesome engineer himself. So I didn’t want to let it out the other ear. Obviously, there’s no point in writing all of this crap in a blog because ultimately I am the one who needs to wake up and take decisions. For some reason, I think writing helps.

If I keep doing what I like does that make me some kind of a “non-dreamer”? Do you necessarily have to keep switching jobs frequently until you find the best one? I like to call such people “bullet trains”. They don’t pay attention to the little things because the attention is on the main goal. Granted, I don’t get paid well and I hate everyone at work but hey, I love the job! In fact I am sure that I can do much more with it. I have to admit that it has started to feel a bit like a nice cozy comfort zone but that’s just something I’ll have to deal with.

On a lighter note, I got a new apartment

Pros:

Big

Internet is faster than the rate at which “bullet trains” switch jobs.

Next door neighbour’s name is Loki

Very rarely do I bump into talkative neighbours

Cons:

Nothing so far. Woohoo!

Never thought I’d say this but…

I think I miss my roommate

I got the job

I got the ‘gig’. I did it! I did it! The nerd is in a rock band. All I can say now is shit’s about to go down.

I haven’t played in that many bands but I know the feeling you get when a bus bearing your band’s name comes to pick you up for a show. Yes, I do believe in that ‘band is family’ shit. It’s a mysterious musical-interest-based-bond that refuses to go away even after the band breaks up. Enough gay shit.

After the audition was over the lead singer announced that they would be happy to have me play the drums. So naturally my first instinct was to go over to the mic and announce that I was not gay. But I held it in for a better opportunity. It also gave me a brilliant idea. I could do some stand-up when we play live. That would kill time in between songs. Also, I get to humiliate hecklers.

To quote the great poet Nikki Sixx,

“When we started this band
All we needed, needed was a laugh
Years gone by, I’d say we’ve kicked some ass
When I’m enraged Or hittin’ the stage
Adrenaline rushing Through my veins
And I’d say we’re still kickin’ ass“