Jokes

April fool

This April Fool’s day, I would like to do a shout out to all the fools out there, who smile and nod at everything. You know who you are. Don’t act like I’m not talking to you. You know you ain’t that bright. Why else would you be here?

Gone are the days of elaborate, well thought out jokes. People are not willing to put in the effort. Pranks just don’t have class anymore. On the bright side, my nephew squirted toothpaste on my sister’s flip flops. That kid is going to do wonders.

What’s the most memorable April Fool’s prank someone pulled on you? I want to know.

Health concerns on the internet

I was researching the causes for morning eye-redness , and the internet gifted me a beautiful answer. In short, this person listed out a few common causes for eye-redness, and then proceeded to explain that none of these might be the actual cause of the problem. He concluded by saying, “go visit an actual Ophthalmologist. Don’t make medical decisions based on answers given on Quora. I might just be an out-of-work plumber”.

Don’t skim through the news

So, today’s paper reads

“All it took

was a

microscopic organism

to make us

more human”

Which is a very thoughtful thing to say, but the problem with reading news online is that when you scroll, letters take on a life of their own.

“All it took

was a

orgasm

to make 

more humans”

Which again, is a very thoughtful thing to say, though it doesn’t make any sense. But then, I’m sleep deprived. So I get creative with it.

“All it took

was a

micropenis 

to make us

more orgasm”

TTT

I haven’t moved from my chair since morning, and I feel horrible, and I want to kill myself.

So it’s Truth Time Tuesdays with Random Thought Beam everybody! This is the time to step forward, and admit a truth from your personal life. Don’t be afraid. Worst case scenario, we end up becoming friends, and I use it later in life to blackmail you. Slim chance.

Telling yourself you are ok mentally? Get that sweet therapy. Don’t be a pussy. Ask for help. 

Lying to yourself about your marriage? Dump that shit. Get outta there. Save yourself. Live your life. Roam free.

Hate your job? Stop making excuses. Fly away little bird. Greener pastures await you in Valhalla.

My truth: I am nothing like what I’ve portrayed myself in this blog. In reality, I am insecure. I don’t talk much. I am incredibly immature for my age, I have very few friends, and I love my life. Peace!

Caution

It is time to accept the sad fact that women are better at pulling off April fool’s pranks. As I sit here at my study table, sweating, after suffering a mild cardiac arrest, it occured to me to send out a cautionary message, requesting the reader to go easy on your friends and family this year.

It’s already fucked. If it doesn’t get better, let it stay that way.

-Curiosity

Best things I’ve heard this week

A famous comedian, Bobby Lee, when asked about his career, says 

“sometimes I wake up at two in the afternoon and there’s a hole in my fucking heart”. To this, Dave Navarro(a famous guitarist) replies, “Whatever shape that hole is, there’s something on Amazon that will fit perfectly in there”. 

 

“So this is the world we live in now? That science has to be leaked?”

-Stephen Colbert(referring to a leaked report that says climate change is happening faster than previously thought. The report was made by 15 different federal agencies. It was leaked because there was fear that the present administration would try to suppress it before it was published).

 

“At night, when you go to lock the front door, and you switch off the lights, if you happen to see a tall, dark figure standing in the corner of the room, staring at you, that’s when you know, you need to start making changes to your lifestyle, starting with the pile of clothes that hasn’t been washed in weeks”.

-Curiosity

Curiosity’s guide to acing job interviews

Do your research

What is the name of the company?

What do they do?

How many sex offenders currently work there?

Ask questions

Where is the bathroom?

Has anyone died in the bathroom?

Get comfortable. Own the environment

Begin the conversation with, “you may kneel and kiss the hand now”.

Say things that would peak the interest of the interviewers

Announce that you are going to perform a magic trick. Proceed to stab the table with a pencil. Announce that you are going to make the pencil disappear. Ask for a volunteer from among the interviewers.

Pro tips

It’s always a good idea to eat dried apricots before and after a job interview. That way, you’ll find something to do before and after you take the interview.

Most importantly, smile. Make sure you look someone in the eye while smiling. Continue smiling for one and a half minutes.

A few examples of what not to say during a job interview:

“You are appointed”

“I can cut my own hair”

“I was adopted”

How to respectfully decline a job offer

I’m allergic to whatever you manufacture