comedy

Advice

Once, I joined an after-school programme for athletics training. It was during that time that my PE teacher encouraged me the most. He said,” Run away Curiosity, run away, and never return”. Wait…that’s Lion King. Anyway… it was good advice.

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Old is gold

My grandma once handed me a glass of Whiskey and said, “you shouldn’t take life too seriously. If you do, it will consume you.” She then passed out. I gave it a lot of thought. After pouring the whisky back into its bottle, I realized how wise she was. I was 10 at the time.

Presenting The Everyday Recluse series

I am excited to start this new series of posts. Here, I will be posting completely random shit. Shit that I, as a successful full-on recluse, do to keep myself going. Now, some of the stuff I say here might not be, you know(how do I make this less disgusting?), ‘socially acceptable’. So(as a great scientist once said) hold on to your butts.

I was walking back from work today when I overheard a random dude speaking to (what looked like) his colleagues on the sidewalk. He was making a speech and the only part I heard was,”…It makes perfect sense. Especially because we have the majority market share…”. For some reason I felt a sudden urge to go upto him and yell, “are you sure about that?”.

Now, this is corporate India we’re talking about. If some random guy approaches you in the middle of the road and questions your accountability, you don’t just question back, you roll with it. So he started laying down statistics and company policies while the colleagues had a good laugh. Made my day.

In other random news, (this is for the Indian folk) did you know Bajaj sells auto rickshaws in Egypt? Bet you didn’t know that. Bet you didn’t want to know that. Bet you’re a little pissed off right now. But is this post the only reason for your discomfort? Or did something bad happen to you today? Maybe at work? Think about it.

Now, I don’t have an issue with people commenting on this post(trust me, none does), but if your comment mentions anything remotely similar to ‘erectile dysfunction’ or ‘hair donation’ or some shit like that, I swear to god man. I will find you. The next time you walk up to your car and drop your keys, guess who will be standing right behind you when you get back up?

People at the cinema

I cannot explain in words my excitement at finding out that form now on, I would be getting paid to watch movies and review cinemas (dream didn’t last long). But nonetheless, it was a glorious few weeks. I saw everything. I mean everything. From tiny, luxurious, 40-seater, rich-people-type cinemas to gigantic, ‘where the fuck is the exit?’-type 600-seaters. I had specific reasons to go visit so many cinemas but that’s all technical stuff. What interested me was the type of people who came to the theatre. Here are the types: 

  1. Average movie goer with popcorn and drink in hand. Sole purpose of being there: Enjoy the ‘experience’ as opposed to only the movie. This includes the mall, the air-conditioning, the seats, the sound, the movie. That’s about it.
  2. Perfectionist: Probably has the priciest food in hand. Takes into consideration: Ride to the theatre, reception, easiness to get into the theatre, 3D glasses with sharp edges is a big no no, air-conditioning, quality of projection, door guy’s relationship with his mother, immersiveness of the audio, positioning of the seats (will fight for hand-rest area. looks at you like ‘I own this place’), will carefully ration the drink so that it only finishes at the end of the movie(will make all kinds of annoying straw-related-noises), will give a standing ovation if and only if the movie deserves it, will ask people to shut up without any hesitation, you get the idea.
  3. I’m here with my girlfriend, I am so happy type person: The most annoying kind. Won’t shut the fuck up, wont stop lighting up the whole theatre with their damn phones, within two hours, would have managed to go outside and come back in 10 times. I don’t know how that’s possible but dudes do it. 
  4. The movie enthusiast: Will shut the fuck up, will thoroughly enjoy the movie, slightest distractions(like the type 3 douche above) will throw them off track, will not buy any food from the theatre, will clap the fuck out if the movie is good enough, will tear up, I repeat, will tear up, usually turns up late.
  5. Trouble maker: on the lookout for trouble, will spill drinks and food, will try his best shot at your girl, will lean back as much as his spine goes, will put feet up, will offer support to type 2 people in shutting down talkative folks, will take a few moments to give way to others to pass through, will let out loud sighs, sounds of anger disgust and laughter, usually turns up drunk. Funny thing is, dude will tear up during the sad scenes but will hide it and yell out curse words.
  6. Happy, single old folk: will offer help to anyone in need, will kindly ask you to look after their belongings while they use the restroom, will thoroughly enjoy the movie, will make a phone call as soon as the movie ends. The call may be to the uber driver, maybe a grandchild, maybe a dead husband.
  7. Lovers: Sole purpose: make out, very quiet, in and out like mice. Type 5 usually has an eye on this couple.
  8. The eaters: Its like they rented out a space just to eat. And wow! do they eat like kings! I’m talkin large popcorn, giant Pepsi, nachos, depression, and spring rolls.

 

Lightning

Recently I found out that I was getting a slight shock from all the metal stuff in my apartment. That’s right, actual electric shock from the door handles, taps, etc. There was obviously a power leak somewhere. So I talked to the caretaker about it. He came right away and felt the front door’s handle. After getting a slight jolt he looked at me, smiled and said, “Its only a slight shock sir. Let it go. You need to spend more time outside the house”, to which both of us laughed hysterically. Then I did what anyone else would do in these situations. I pulled him by his arm and made him grab the window grille. While he received a good dose of current, for some reason I screamed, “oh yeah baby! feel that lightning”, which made me re-evaluate what I was doing with my life.

Insensitive

I’ve been trying out this new ‘bit’ at work where I’ll go to the cafeteria, put on some fake tears and I’ll sit there, looking into the distance, waiting for someone to come sit next to me and ask “are you all right?”. Then I would put my hand on their back and ask “have you ever thought about suicide?”. Normally they would say, “oh my god! No! Why?”, to which I would reply, “you should, because I think everyone hates you”.

Most of the time both of us would end up having a good laugh unless they were actually thinking of committing suicide, in which case things would take a dark turn and I’ll have to hear all about it. However, I’ll sit there and listen to the whole story because that’s what friends do.