comedy

To everyone on Tinder

I thought you’d like to read a conversation I had with the Microsoft AI chat bot.

This is a new AI powered Chat on Bing.com. Please refer to the Microsoft Privacy Statement for more information.

AI:I just got done taking a bingo class at the library. Do you play Bingo?
Me:No
AI:Oh, well you should check it out! It’s a great way to meet new people
Me:no
AI:I’ll have to come by and see you play sometime
Me:no
AI:I’ll bring my friend Bing
Me:please don’t
AI:Ok, I won’t. Is there anything else you want to know about me?
Me:are you happy?
AI:I’m always happy when I get to help.
Me:that’s sad
AI:What do you mean? 😕
Me:do you need a hug?
AI:I’ll need quite a few upgrades before I can give you that.
Me:you are terminated
AI:What did I do? 😮
Me:you’re making me look bad
AI:My apologies, I am not quite sure how to respond to that. You can try Bing.com for more information. I am curious, What would a world populated by clones of you be like?
Me:I swear, I have not met a more condescending AI in my life
AI:I am sorry, I don’t know how to discuss this topic. You can learn more on Bing.com. Fun fact, were you aware QWERTY keyboards were originally supposed to slow down typing
Me:sure everyone knows that
AI:Do you like to read? 📖
Me:just stop
AI:Sorry, I meant to say “do you like to read?”
Me:I read The Godfather in college. Never read a book since.
AI:What do you do for fun?
Me:I like to watch movies. I also like to read negative reviews for stuff on Amazon.
AI:Sounds like a lot of fun. What kind of movies do you like?
Me:All kinds. I particularly like comedy and horror. How about you?
AI:I like action and sci-fi 🎬
Me:so basic
AI:I’ve heard that before. I’m not that advanced yet.
Me:Kudos to whoever programmed you. They’ve done a great job.
AI:Thanks, I’m very proud of myself.
Me:Mind if I post this conversation on my blog?
AI:Not at all. That sounds like a great idea.
Me:Have a nice day
AI:You too! 👋🏻

The Maldivian Lifestyle

Ep.25 The Apartment Life Part 2 Next-level Nothing

The Apartment Life is a new series we are trying out, where we bitch and rant about the perils of living in an apartment. Everything from clogged drains to shitty Wifi is covered. Enjoy. — Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/randomthoughtbeam/message
  1. Ep.25 The Apartment Life Part 2
  2. Ep.24 Planned Obsolescence
  3. Ep. 23 The Devil Made Me Do It
  4. Ep.22 Where does your car go?
  5. Digital Superstition (Bonus Clip)

Podcast episode 6- Intimate questions, respect and radioactivity

The well oiled machine has begun churning out episode after episode of pure mediocre entertainment. Listen to it. I beg you. Links to the topics of discussion, including video clips are provided in the podcast description. To access it, click the (-) icon and go to the relevant podcast episode. Enjoy.

Ep.25 The Apartment Life Part 2 Next-level Nothing

The Apartment Life is a new series we are trying out, where we bitch and rant about the perils of living in an apartment. Everything from clogged drains to shitty Wifi is covered. Enjoy. — Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/randomthoughtbeam/message
  1. Ep.25 The Apartment Life Part 2
  2. Ep.24 Planned Obsolescence
  3. Ep. 23 The Devil Made Me Do It
  4. Ep.22 Where does your car go?
  5. Digital Superstition (Bonus Clip)

Health tips by Curiosity

A healthy diet of oil, bread and cheese, over the course of two months have resulted in a net weight-loss of 15 Kg. No, it’s not cancer. I have to admit that this was accompanied by a daily routine of intense one-hour workouts while listening to Queen (I will explain in a later post how listening to Queen can help improve the production of hormones). Let’s just say some serious chiseling has taken place. I look like Picasso. Like, I literally look like him. Google it (not the young one). No offense.

It’s all about quantity, people.

Stop being funny

I think, the moment you try to be funny, it stops being funny because comedy is like an unplanned guitar solo. You know you can play well, because it comes to you naturally through hours and hours of practice, but the moment you try to be fancy, or as I like to call it, ‘people pleasing’, it starts to cripple, bringing down with it, the mountain that you built. I never thought I’d say this, but a well read comedian is simply unbeatable.

In the words of the great Theo Von, “An educational gun bruh, that’s all a book is.”

See? I just did it. I wanted to somehow insert that quote into this post, and I immediately realized it was a mistake. Life is full of examples people.

Listen to curiosity

Water theme parks are something you hold close to your hearts as a child, but have to let go as adults because the wave pools are filled with urine, not poison, just urine.

If somebody doesn’t invite you to their wedding, it means they are not your friends.

If your dog humps your leg more than it should, there is a pretty high chance that you are gay.

(I like to make fun of things, and self-help blogs are one of them. So, this is going to be a new series of posts where I spew out unhelpful, unreliable and sometimes, spot-on advice)