Is it weird that a bug bit me on the same exact spot on both hands? As if to leave a mark to say I have been marked for death. Why would insects do that to me?
Ever since the pandy hit, every month, work makes me write an email explaining why I wish to continue working from home. So every month, I take on the role of a responsible citizen, and I write a god damn email, as if to explain to a baby, what a pandemic/lock-down means. As to why they make me do this, I guess even HR gets burdened with “busy work”?.
As part of an unfortunate deal with my sister, I finished binging Game of Thrones in a time frame of two weeks. Violent, gory, excessive nudity, dark and depressing. These are just a few adjectives I can think of to describe the show. Now lets talk about the negatives. The show is really really dark, so don’t go in expecting anything good to happen to the characters, or to you for that matter. Every episode will leave you drained, and possibly in tears. It’s still the best thing I’ve seen on TV. Though the ending is not very satisfying, I can confidently say that I enjoyed the journey, and that is all that matters.
I haven’t moved from my chair since morning, and I feel horrible, and I want to kill myself.
So it’s Truth Time Tuesdays with Random Thought Beam everybody! This is the time to step forward, and admit a truth from your personal life. Don’t be afraid. Worst case scenario, we end up becoming friends, and I use it later in life to blackmail you. Slim chance.
Telling yourself you are ok mentally? Get that sweet therapy. Don’t be a pussy. Ask for help.
Lying to yourself about your marriage? Dump that shit. Get outta there. Save yourself. Live your life. Roam free.
Hate your job? Stop making excuses. Fly away little bird. Greener pastures await you in Valhalla.
My truth: I am nothing like what I’ve portrayed myself in this blog. In reality, I am insecure. I don’t talk much. I am incredibly immature for my age, I have very few friends, and I love my life. Peace!
Ok, the name COVID, they needed to work more on that. I picture a space shuttle taking off, and the announcer saying, “the world watches with hope as COVID-19 takes off, carrying with it, Harvey Weinstein’s enormous stash of tapes”. That sounds way better. Or, “download your favorite YouTube videos for free on covid.com”. For a disease, it doesn’t quite cut it. Sounds too technical. SARS, now that’s a solid name for a disease.
Update: After posting this, I read it. I realized how insensitive, ignorant, and not even funny this post is. I love it.
I bombed last Sunday. I said jokes, people did not laugh. There’s no excuses. They just didn’t laugh. In my defence, there was noone in the cafe. That’s a lie. There were four people, but I still performed because that’s what champions do. All four of them were seated at a table, sucking hookah like scuba divers about to run out of oxygen.
It’s amazing how this “depression” thing fades away when you talk to good people. After talking to someone you think to yourself, “Oh my god I’m cured! I did it! It’s gone! It’s finally, completely gone! Wait… wait a minute, there it is. It’s back. Ah shit.”
I’ve been feeling quite depressed lately. So I talked. I talked to an old friend. Holy hell! I never realized that opening my mouth and actually talking to someone would bring me so much relief. Just to hear someone talk, like, have a normal conversation with them was like resetting my brain. I feel so much better. It feels like a lot of anxiety has been lifted off my chest. I feel refreshed, motivated and hungry. Time for dinner.
For no reason, here’s a video of a snake I found.
All are wonders of nature- Depression, snakes, Burger King, etc.
Ideas (meticulously thought out by Curiosity himself)
- A boxing ring at the centre of your work place, that has a giant bell hung on top to signal the commencement of a no-holds-barred fight to the death.
- Vegetables that taste like meat and meat that tastes like vegetables
- A computer embedded in your brain that will replay all of your fondest memories in your mind during times of extreme distress.
Suggestions (taking suggestions from strangers is what got me through puberty)
- If you don’t like reading books, try to make friends with someone who does. Doing this will help you stay away from books.
- While sitting in a public place, move close to someone and pretend you got a phone call. Lower your voice while talking into the phone and say,” its contagious. Doctor says I shouldn’t be within 10 feet of anyone”.
- The next time you see someone get abnormally angry, sad or frustrated, head over to them and give them a big hug. Then whisper into their ear, “I killed Mufasa”.
Step 1: Think
Think about what exactly you want to say before you say it. Remember, all bosses are busy. So you need to keep it short. Also, don’t jibber jabber.
Step 2: Gather courage
There is nothing wrong in communicating your wishes/problems. It is a sign of growth.
Step 3: Go for it
While you walk into their room, depending on what kind of martial arts you are into, make an announcement in their respective language. For example, if you are into Karate, say in Japanese,” I am going to make you pay for all the horrors you made me go through”. Then, show them who’s boss. I recommend going with your best move first. Do it with confidence, with a smile on your face. It will create a lasting impression.
Step 3 is up for interpretation. It is upto the reader to decide if it is to be taken literally(Stanley Kubrick taught me this).
These are just jokes. The name of the frikkin blog is “Random Thought Beam” after all. So don’t try this at home. However, if you do end up beating up your boss, let me know how it goes. Put it up on your blog. Will be a fun read.
Colleague: “I have the kind of health issues that don’t show up on medical test reports”.
Me: “Its okay. I sometimes get awkward boners during lunch breaks. They don’t show up on test reports either”.
That sums up almost everything I wanted to say in this post.
In other news, I almost got killed today by a sewer pipe.
Damn thing collapsed a second before I was going to walk underneath it. Right after it happened, the construction worker looked at me like, “well, thank god!”. I’m like,”mmmmotherfucker!. You almost crushed a living legend”.
To celebrate the fact that I escaped death today, I decided to do something out of the ordinary. Being the dare devil that I am, I decided to ‘step out’ of the house. More specifically, I decided to re-join the gym. As you all know, I am a fitness freak. When it comes to fast food, I maintain a strict ‘no burgers, no pizza’ rule on all leap years.
The instructor was happy to see me. He asked me why I quit going to the gym in the first place. I explained to him the hardships that a single, middle-class, straight, stellar looking guy in his late 20’s has to face. However, I hid the fact that I was bullied by two little girls at the gym.
These are some of the things that I’ve caught myself saying after a good week of sleep deprivation.
1. “I fell on the moving stair case”
2. Me: “Man! The movie was killer!”
Imaginary therapist: “Which one?”
Me: “The one with the girl who kills monsters with her hearing-aid”
3. Doctor: “So you’re saying, you had it just a few minutes before you got here, but its gone now?”
Me:”Yes. You get 10 points for repeating it correctly”.
4. Manager: “We’ve got some feedback. We need to modify the design so that it will play well in the local market. I have assigned Dexter and Dee Dee to work with you. Can you start with the electronics today?
Me: Sure. Whose Dexter and Dee Dee?
I have to say that there are a few pros. In some cases, even heightened abilities.
1. I can converse with anyone, literally anyone for 15 minutes straight and actually enjoy it.
2. I can fall asleep at random places.