On April 28th, 2014, I fell in the toilet. At the time, I was living in a shared accommodation, while studying for my Masters. My roommates were quite the exciting bunch. There was a strange guy from Greece who was in his 40’s. He taught economics to PhD students. Then there was the guitar-player/loner from the U.K. who studied film and media. Lastly, there was a petroleum engineering student from China. Dude was from Shanghai and he had the best stories. The only time we would all hang out together was when there were meetings to discuss maintenance of the flat. For example, who was going to clean the toilet next. I made it a point to skip these meetings because as you all know, I belong to the upper class (sarcasm guys, sarcasm). However, one time, an emergency meeting was called because the shower drain got clogged with pubic hair. The economics guy was furious. He wanted to get to the bottom of this. I suggested DNA testing, to which the loner said “oh you’re definitely going to find my DNA in there. But its not the hair”. As we desperately tried to erase that picture from our heads I came to the realization that all of them were quite angry with me already for not taking the turn to clean the bathroom.
At times, life poses great challenges, guys. It is our job to scrape up the dog shit and fling it back at life’s face. So I finally decided to step up and be a man. I grabbed some tissues and floor cleaner, prayed to Isaac Newton and just went for it. After I had finished, I was in the mood for some fun. So I locked the bathroom door, whipped out my… phone and proceeded to play Temple run. A while later, I heard a knock on the door. It was the engineer. He said,” while you are at it, can you also get the cobwebs on the ceiling?”. Remember guys, I was determined to fling dog shit at life’s face. So I stood up on the toilet and started to clean the ceiling. But to my dismay, I slipped and…you can guess the rest of it.
Back in the day, my friends and I used to play this game called ‘watch hunt’, where we would set up a watch to chime once every minute and then drop it into the swimming pool. Whoever found the watch first, won the ultimate prize, which was, a chance to walk back home, safely, without getting beaten up. It was kind of a deep pool. So it was not that easy to win. It was so much fun! Except for this one time, when six of us went down the pool and only five came back up.
It’s just jokes you guys! Don’t be weirded out. All six of us came back up. It’s just that… one of us wasn’t breathing.
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I once had a dream that I was in the back of a pickup truck with my parents and sister, driving through what seemed like a desert. The truck hit a speed bump and I rolled out the back. My family probably noticed it but they kept going and never came back. Meanwhile, in a nearby workshop, Ronald McDonald was having an argument with a biker gang for pulling his wig. One of the bikers came frighteningly up close and proceeded to insert skittles into his pocket. He then whispered into Ronald’s ear, “who’s that Pokémon?” He then crushed the skittles wrapper and left. A depressed Ronald found me lying on the road. He took me in. We setup a kickstarter to fund our new restaurant idea. It was a success, largely funded by religious extremists. As soon as we opened the restaurant we got sued by a damn fast food chain called McDonald’s. Luckily we had little money leftover which we used to buy Bitcoin.
I had a vision today. I passed out at a KFC only to be woken up by the KFC guy. I mean the man himself. The grey haired dude with the mustache who appears on the logo. He came up to me and said, “son, the key to a successful, stable relationship is stem cell research. I knew I wouldn’t understand it right away. So I went to the toilet to contemplate. I came back refreshed, ready to shoot the right question. I asked, “Oh great chicken-man, I know not what your angle is. I beg you to dum it down for me”. Suddenly he froze. His face went pale. He slowly pointed at the table next to me and said, “it’s too late. There is no hope now”. His fingers were shaking. It gets really weird after that. I looked over to the table he was pointing at and saw my boss eating a burger. But instead of a patty, the burger had ‘money’ in between the buns? But it was all demonitised notes? Long story short, I finally saw myself standing on top of a table, weilding a machete and on the machete was ‘greed’ written in blood. Kids, this is what sleep deprivation will do to you. Remember to get your full 8 hours or you’ll end up like me. PS: This whole thing was a joke. Have a sense of humour for God’s sake.
I’ve been trying out this new ‘bit’ at work where I’ll go to the cafeteria, put on some fake tears and I’ll sit there, looking into the distance, waiting for someone to come sit next to me and ask “are you all right?”. Then I would put my hand on their back and ask “have you ever thought about suicide?”. Normally they would say, “oh my god! No! Why?”, to which I would reply, “you should, because I think everyone hates you”.
Most of the time both of us would end up having a good laugh unless they were actually thinking of committing suicide, in which case things would take a dark turn and I’ll have to hear all about it. However, I’ll sit there and listen to the whole story because that’s what friends do.