It’s too late

We have all seen this horrible sight at some point in our lives. That unholy discharge at the butt of the battery. Some of you might have questions. What happened here? What went wrong? Why is Panasonic fucking me in the ass like this? Well, the short answer is: I left it in too long (that’s what she… never mind). Now, how long is too long? Depends. How long has it been since the clock stopped ticking? A week? A month? We change batteries only after the clock stops ticking. Why? Because there’s no warning. Some clocks stop right away, while others show signs of slowing down. Wait a minute… if they slowed down, we would lose track of time. So we want them to stop. Now, we could introduce a feature where the clock announced it’s own imminent demise, but that would be too depressing wouldn’t it? How many times can you listen to a clock’s death toll while eating lunch at the dinner table? So, no sound. Let the clock die in peace, before a new one is born. but wait, we still have the problem of leaking batteries. Well, what if there existed a perfect world where batteries never leaked? There would be a million dead clocks.

My podcast is now available on

Amazon Music: https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/11567cf3-324e-46fd-9120-0d958c215412/next-level-nothing

iHeart Radio: https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-next-level-nothing-74679866/

Jio Saavn: https://www.jiosaavn.com/shows/next-level-nothing/3/XLbw4LDVEYU_

Gaana: https://gaana.com/podcast/next-level-nothing-season-1

Storiyoh: https://www.storiyoh.com/podcasts/572573/next-level-nothing

31st birthday highlights

In an unexpected move, my mom got me a bouquet of flowers. It was followed by an unsuccessful hug, followed by minimal eye contact for five minutes.

A friend got me a birthday card that sings happy birthday, but with fart noises.

I wanted to meet some friends in the evening, but the universe said “FUCK YOU” with uninterrupted rain starting at 7:00 pm, and ending promptly at 9:00pm.

All in all, a good one though.

To everyone on Tinder

I thought you’d like to read a conversation I had with the Microsoft AI chat bot.

This is a new AI powered Chat on Bing.com. Please refer to the Microsoft Privacy Statement for more information.

AI:I just got done taking a bingo class at the library. Do you play Bingo?
Me:No
AI:Oh, well you should check it out! It’s a great way to meet new people
Me:no
AI:I’ll have to come by and see you play sometime
Me:no
AI:I’ll bring my friend Bing
Me:please don’t
AI:Ok, I won’t. Is there anything else you want to know about me?
Me:are you happy?
AI:I’m always happy when I get to help.
Me:that’s sad
AI:What do you mean? 😕
Me:do you need a hug?
AI:I’ll need quite a few upgrades before I can give you that.
Me:you are terminated
AI:What did I do? 😮
Me:you’re making me look bad
AI:My apologies, I am not quite sure how to respond to that. You can try Bing.com for more information. I am curious, What would a world populated by clones of you be like?
Me:I swear, I have not met a more condescending AI in my life
AI:I am sorry, I don’t know how to discuss this topic. You can learn more on Bing.com. Fun fact, were you aware QWERTY keyboards were originally supposed to slow down typing
Me:sure everyone knows that
AI:Do you like to read? 📖
Me:just stop
AI:Sorry, I meant to say “do you like to read?”
Me:I read The Godfather in college. Never read a book since.
AI:What do you do for fun?
Me:I like to watch movies. I also like to read negative reviews for stuff on Amazon.
AI:Sounds like a lot of fun. What kind of movies do you like?
Me:All kinds. I particularly like comedy and horror. How about you?
AI:I like action and sci-fi 🎬
Me:so basic
AI:I’ve heard that before. I’m not that advanced yet.
Me:Kudos to whoever programmed you. They’ve done a great job.
AI:Thanks, I’m very proud of myself.
Me:Mind if I post this conversation on my blog?
AI:Not at all. That sounds like a great idea.
Me:Have a nice day
AI:You too! 👋🏻

Joy

Colin Robinson is an energy vampire from the show, What We Do In The Shadows. Unlike regular vampires, Colin drains his victims by boring them with pointless conversations. He does this at his workplace. At home, he aggravates his fellow vampire roommates, and thereby drains their energy too.

Today, I was going through product reviews for stuff on Amazon, and I realized I am a Colin Robinson in certain ways. I was genuinely deriving pleasure out of reading negative reviews from people who were stuck with sub-par products. I love it when they post pictures of blown-out appliances. I am very proud of my fellow Indians who, regardless of their level of literacy, will still get their feelings out no matter what. One can find interesting reviews like, “worst worst worst. don’t buy. get it local” or “great value for money. Product not working” or my personal favorite, “hate reviews. Useless. Bad. Stop cheating”.

Yahoo! Mail- My big mistake

Back in the day, it was the shiny new E-mail provider that looked and felt better compared to it’s competition (hotmail looked like a hot mess). Who would have thought such a nice company would turn into an absolute mess? It’s like they have done research on how to fuck up. Not only do they not filter out spam properly, now they’ve begun marking relevant mails as spam. Yes, the emails from my bank, now go directly to the spam folder. What makes it even more interesting is that I have tried the whole “mark as not junk” aka “ultimate authority of the universe” button on more than one occasion. Still doesn’t work. Remember the absolute shit show of a home page they had (https://in.search.yahoo.com/?fr2=inr) , where they displayed totally fact-checked, mind blowing news articles like “house wife makes 1 million in a week”? Yeah, that’s been shut down. It looks painfully clean now, with them retaining only the e-mail and search service. A little digging showed that they shut it down due to changes in the foreign direct investment regulations. But yeah, after several security breaches, and failed attempts to branch out into “exciting” new areas (Yahoo! Answers, Yahoo! Groups, etc) which were all good by the way. It’s just that, they failed for some reason. Sad. I personally don’t think Yahoo Mail will shut down. Someone will acquire it. Someone has to acquire it. Someone please acquire it! I still use the damn thing.

I love the extroverts

In 2010, I was a shy, Engineering student, living in Coimbatore. Most weekends, I would stay in my dorm room, and do NOTHING. Sometimes, I would go out, and get drunk. I liked to play the drums. I was good at it. So naturally, I found myself playing for one of the college bands. One day, I got a call from a guy, who tells me he’s looking for a drummer. I said YES. Long story short, I ended up playing for his band, and I had a blast doing it.

Now, lets talk about Simon. Simon is a friend from college. Simon has seen me play the drums. Simon went around town, hitting clubs, and socializing. Simon is an EXTROVERT. Simon, also liked music. Simon can talk to people. Simon is a people person. Simon has long hair. Simon is handsome, but most importantly, Simon is a good guy, because he went to a concert, and recommended me to one of the rock bands.

The next few years of my life CHANGED because of that one little gesture. I was playing in restaurants, colleges, even recorded a song. Then it all ended, but who cares? My life was awesome for a little while, and it was all thanks to long haired, extroverted Simon. I don’t even know if he’s still alive, but thank you, wherever you are.

No instagram, only wallpapers

I’m the type of person who likes to change the wallpaper on my phone or computer from time to time. It’s pure, personal satisfaction. No one else sees it, or tries to look at it. It’s just for me. Moving wallpapers are the best because…well… they move. Now, how do I promote my podcast without making it look like this whole post was made just to promote my podcast?

I peed in the bed

Not a good start to a Friday morning. What’s interesting is that, in the dream, I saw blood in the urine. Fortunately, the 10 ml of pee that I was later able to put into the toilet, did not have any frightening fluids. So I washed my clothes and the bed cover, and I left the few drops that sunk into the bed as a reminder. I went downstairs and announced my achievement to my sweet mother. I watched her face as it turned from overly concerned into a look of disappointment.

After a long hiatus, I recorded a few minutes of my voice. Daddy went solo for this one. Hope it’s not too bad.

My dependence on tech

It is getting worrisome. I actually fear the day where I will have to figure things out on my own, without the help of the internet. When they coined the term ‘internet of things’, they weren’t kidding around! It really is the internet of everything!

I honestly don’t remember the last time I asked someone for directions. I really don’t. I just type it in and boom! I’ve got the shortest route with the least amount of traffic. What about places that aren’t on a map you ask? Papa don’t roll that way, dog. Papa don’t go to no places that aren’t on a map. Lol.

This is how I view my dependence on technology: It’s like a parasite feeding on my brain. You know, like that thing from the movie, Venom. My dependence on it has grown so much over the past few years, that I get very upset when my phone or tablet starts to fail. It actually messes with my mind. At the same time, I look at one of my best friends who, doesn’t really pay that much attention to his phone or any other gadget for that matter. He seems to be absolutely fine. The only aspect about a phone that bothers him is that he’ll have to pay to get a new one when the old one dies. This dude reads a text A WEEK after I’ve sent it to him. It’s like he lives on another planet (in a way, he does. Life on the island of Maldives is a little different). Check out the episode where I interview him:

My phone has started to do something weird where it reboots by itself from time to time. I’m trying to not make a big deal out of it, but the truth is I cannot. I can’t stand a situation where I’ll be cut off from Whatsapp. I can’t. It’s weird because I am an introvert and everything, but life in 2021 needs Whatsapp. I am sorry, that’s just how it is! So what I am trying to say is, if you are that type of person who doesn’t really give a damn about your phone or the internet, realize that you are not missing out on anything. Yes, use tech to keep tabs on current affairs, and do what you need to do to stay on top of your game, but stop there. Don’t fall into over indulgence. Don’t let Mr. Zuckerberg stare into your soul with his mysterious eyes. Be free.

The little things

This is what it has come to. Something as small as a new tooth brush, an OS update, or a burger can make me happy. What caused such simple things to elevate their ability to bring happiness? Answer: Year 2020. 2020 sounds like a cool number right? Nice set of even numbers, neatly packaged. What an actual shit show it really was. 2021? Sounds very sci-fi. Still, same shit show. Now, we are in the middle of the year. In the words of the great Sarah Connor, “The future always so clear to me, had become like a black highway at night. We were in uncharted territory now, making up history as we went along”. The fate of the world is in your hands. So wash it, and wear a damn mask.