loneliness

Man is a social animal? Really? Nah!

I am now at a point in my life where I have completely lost the ability to socialize. Yes, its 100% gone. I did it! Woo hoo! Feels great. I feel like I deserve a medal or something. Or a hug. I prefer the hug over the medal actually.

I tried. I gave it my best. How can you conquer something that deep down you know you don’t want? I have begun to really really like not talking to people. I am very happy by myself. Ha ha. But it worries me because I know that’s not good.

Conversation

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Mind:

I was walking on wet sand when I noticed the water drying up wherever I stepped. It felt very strange. As I walked further I saw bright red crabs running back into their burrows. I have to say their sense of vibration is pretty good! This is where it starts to get weird- I felt sad seeing them run away from me! Questions started to emerge. Do I really belong here? If I do belong here then why is everything running away from me?

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Brain:

Good old depression is back! The first thing about water and sand is pure physics. You know that. So stop whining.

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Mind:

First of all, fuck you. Second of all, how are you still alive? I thought you were paralysed from all the sleep deprivation I gave you.

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Brain:

Yeah about that, we’ll be shutting down tomorrow sometime between 4 and 6. So don’t be in a meeting or whatever. And stop talking to that girl after midnight. Its not worth it. Pretty soon your organs will start to shut down. And by the way, stop eating all that junk before you sleep. I’ve been trying to contact Liver since last week. Dude is not even picking up. And by the way, start talking to people. There are good people out there. Stop being a whining looser all the time.

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Mind:

How dare you you slimy ball of noodles? Wait… you’re right. I’ll take care of it. Hang in there. In the meantime, take a look at these pictures I took. Damn! I am a pro!

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IMG_20170514_152645Henry’s Island, West Bengal

 

 

 

 

The universe did it again

Something incredible happened to me today. Here’s the short version:

I stepped outside the house and made friends.

That’s right. I left the comforts of my cozy apartment with its “high speed” internet and everything to wander about aimlessly through the streets.

Why is “me stepping outside the house” a big deal?

This is super embarrassing but it is also the truth. I broke up with my girlfriend a few weeks ago. Since then I have confined myself to my apartment. No travelling, no music, no outdoor stuff, no talking, no nothing. Everyday, I would leave for work, come back, watch videos on YouTube and go to bed when my back started to hurt. I kept asking myself – Why did you do it you looser? Actually the voice in my head used many more expletives which I will not be revealing here as this is a children-friendly blog after all(unfuckingbelievable). I’m sure you’ve heard/done all this before but for a person like me who is not very social as it is, this isolation was at an extreme level. I hated everything and everybody. I became super productive at work though. Don’t know how the hell that happened!

So on Saturday I decided to end this misery. I called up two of my friends who I haven’t talked to in a while and planned to go watch a movie the next day. Then I did the unthinkable. I stepped outside. While I sat on the sidewalk eating, a girl came sat next to me. We started to talk. The conversation went well, marked by surprised shouts of “Oh you’re from the south? me too!” “No way! You like shawarma too?” “Oh shit! you’re a hooker?” wait… the last one may have been just a question in my mind. Anyway… she had incredible stories to tell and she was also unbelievably honest.

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While walking I saw a couple with their little girl. Their accent sounded familiar. So I talked to them. Fast forward a few minutes. I find myself sitting on their couch watching a movie with them, their two year old sitting on top of my head. I had actually made friends. Incredible! Then I went for a long walk. On the way, I met a couple of guys playing football. They saw me staring at them and asked if I wanted to join.

It was like the universe had a board meeting regarding my pathetic condition. This is probably how the meeting went:

Alright listen up. Looks like this looser is going to kill himself if he goes on like this. Lets try giving him some friends. That’ll work! And just so that he wouldn’t get too happy, lets make him move. The funny thing is that I know for sure that I will not speak to or see these people again! However, it was nice to feel normal for a single day.

High five universe!

Just when you thought you’ve seen all the cool stuff on the internet:

https://www.jpl.nasa.gov/visions-of-the-future/

I am not good at talking to people and its okay…sort of

I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. I am talking about casual talk. I can’t hold a conversation for more than a few minutes. Either one of us gets bored quickly and the conversation fades.  I’ve been trying to fix this for a long time. I tried to fix it only because I wanted to feel normal. What’s weird is that I never realized that I am not good at talking to people until now. Up until now I never had to put in effort to make friends. They came in plenty at school! I am in my late 20s now. I am still close friends with my college mates. However, now we live in different parts of the world and that fucking sucks.

For the past few months, I’ve been forcing myself to start conversations with random strangers. Funny thing is that it worked. Almost everyone I talked to responded very well. It is what happened afterwards that I didn’t like. I quickly got bored of the talking. So I modified my approach. I blurted out only the important things and then I walked away. Ha ha. Weird and proud!

I’ve stopped trying so hard because I found out that deep down, I don’t really care. I’ve realized that I enjoy being alone, doing things only I like. I keep myself company. Going to watch movies alone has opened up a whole new world for me. I now immerse myself in the movie. I don’t have to worry about weather the other person likes the movie or not. You might think that I am trying to fill the void in my life by doing all of this but no. I know what its like to be with someone. I know what its like to be with a group of friends. It doesn’t quite work for me anymore. Then why blog about it? Well, its because I am not entirely sure if what I am feeling is right. Initially the title of this post was “I am not good at talking to people and its okay”.

Shyness

I am shy. I used to be extra shy. I used to blame it on my mother who always pestered me to be “confident” but was herself an introvert. I also used to blame it on my friends who made fun of me for trying. Even if this were true, it is time for me to fix it. So now, I force myself to make conversations with people I don’t know. It goes well, sometimes! However, I do enjoy being on stage. I call this the “Michael Jackson Syndrome”. Super shy in real life but very confident in front of hundreds of people!

I feel a little embarrassed to share this song but hey! I like it!

Family to the rescue

I worked hard to get the job that I have now. Now that I have it, I feel empty. I enjoy my job but lately it has involved a lot of travelling. I leave early in the morning and come back late at night. I don’t talk much with people at work due to language barriers(and I am not much of a talker). Life is starting to suck remarkably. I feel too depressed to go out during weekends. I am forcing myself to go out at least during the weekends. I try to watch a movie or travel. And so the vicious cycle continues: Get a good job- job consumes more time from life-life becomes boring-become less productive at work -start to hate job because of boring life.

However, something good has come out of all this. I’ve started to talk to my mom and sister. I rarely talk to them since moving here. I’ve realised that there’s no shame in revealing SOME of my problems to my family. Earlier, I used to suck it all up because “boys don’t cry” or whatever. However, I have to admit that talking to my sister backfires most of the time. I love my sister but she is completely useless when it comes to cheering people up!

On an unrelated note, this Indian rendition of Sweet Child Of Mine is simply kickass!

I don’t fit in

I don’t fit it in anywhere. Literally. Not even in a shared cab :-). Everyone’s fine all crammed in until I try to fit in. They have that feeling of disgust on their face like I just sat on their face. You know what the worst part is? I have an average size body! I am not even that tall. Maybe its the way I sit I guess!.

I don’t fit in at work. Sure, I have some good friends there but when it comes to working together with someone, I suck. I either tend to be too nice, making others feel too comfortable and take advantage of me or I become too aggressive and end up making a fool of myself (either way, it usually ends up with me getting very aggressive). So the “team player” part of my resume is a blatant lie :-).

I don’t fit in with friend groups. I’ve noticed that whenever I get introduced to a group of friends, there’s someone who immediately hates me for some reason. The others lose interest slowly. Eventually, the person who introduced me regrets doing it.

I don’t fit in with a band. I get the chance to play because I kinda play well. All the jamming sessions go very well but when it comes to hanging out with the band, I again get left out.

I don’t fit in with my family. What can I say? Its like mom, sis and I actually like to argue with each other. We are better off texting each other. I like having the extended family over for parties. We have a little fun but eventually I get left out there too. Its a little weird when the host gets left out!

I don’t fit in AT ALL in relationships :-). I don’t think this one needs much explanation.

I know its no one’s fault but mine. On the bright side, I think I would be a perfect candidate for a one-way trip to outer space. Solo mission only please!