What happened to me?

 

“Speak your mind man”, said my boss after discussing my salary. “Dude, if I spoke my mind you would need therapy to get your normal life back”.

Its not just him. Its everyone. Family, friends, strangers. “Speak up. Let it out”. I actually do not have any fear of speaking. It is what I say that I am afraid of. All of these people who say “Speak up. Its ok. You can tell me anything” will just run away if I start talking because I am a real person. I don’t sugar coat things. I say things as they are.

However, I also tend to say a lot of random nonsense that I consider to be “jokes”. These have some sort of a magical property of repelling people away instantly. Its quite useful sometimes.

I am extremely lucky to have a handful of friends with whom I can “speak my mind”. But fuckin “life” comes in there too and fucks it up for everybody. I wish I could live with my friends for ever. No, there’s nothing gay about it. Hell, we don’t even live in the same country anymore. 

I’ve never had this trouble until I reached high school. Because until then, my mouth did not have a filter. I used to speak my mind. It was also during this time that I had friends. Many friends. Aha! Eureka! 

Man is a social animal? Really? Nah!

I am now at a point in my life where I have completely lost the ability to socialize. Yes, its 100% gone. I did it! Woo hoo! Feels great. I feel like I deserve a medal or something. Or a hug. I prefer the hug over the medal actually.

I tried. I gave it my best. How can you conquer something that deep down you know you don’t want? I have begun to really really like not talking to people. I am very happy by myself. Ha ha. But it worries me because I know that’s not good.

Conversation

Mind:

I was walking on wet sand when I noticed the water drying up wherever I stepped. It felt very strange. As I walked further I saw bright red crabs running back into their burrows. I have to say their sense of vibration is pretty good! This is where it starts to get weird- I felt sad seeing them run away from me! Questions started to emerge. Do I really belong here? If I do belong here then why is everything running away from me?

Brain:

Good old depression is back! The first thing about water and sand is pure physics. You know that. So stop whining.

Mind:

First of all, fuck you. Second of all, how are you still alive? I thought you were paralysed from all the sleep deprivation I gave you.

Brain:

Yeah about that, we’ll be shutting down tomorrow sometime between 4 and 6. So don’t be in a meeting or whatever. And stop talking to that girl after midnight. Its not worth it. Pretty soon your organs will start to shut down. And by the way, stop eating all that junk before you sleep. I’ve been trying to contact Liver since last week. Dude is not even picking up. And by the way, start talking to people. There are good people out there. Stop being such a whining looser all the time.

Mind:

How dare you you fucking slimy ball of noodles? Wait… you’re right. I’ll take care of it. Hang in there buddy. In the meantime, take a look at these pictures I took. Damn! I am a pro!

 

Henry’s Island, West Bengal

I am not good at talking to people and its okay…sort of

I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. I am talking about casual talk. I can’t hold a conversation for more than a few minutes. Either one of us gets bored quickly and the conversation fades.  I’ve been trying to fix this for a long time. I tried to fix it only because I wanted to feel normal. What’s weird is that I never realized that I am not good at talking to people until now. Up until now I never had to put in effort to make friends. They came in plenty at school! I am in my late 20s now. I am still close friends with my college mates. However, now we live in different parts of the world and that fucking sucks.

For the past few months, I’ve been forcing myself to start conversations with random strangers. Funny thing is that it worked. Almost everyone I talked to responded very well. It is what happened afterwards that I didn’t like. I quickly got bored of the talking. So I modified my approach. I blurted out only the important things and then I walked away. Ha ha. Weird and proud!

I’ve stopped trying so hard because I found out that deep down, I don’t really care. I’ve realized that I enjoy being alone, doing things only I like. I keep myself company. Going to watch movies alone has opened up a whole new world for me. I now immerse myself in the movie. I don’t have to worry about weather the other person likes the movie or not. You might think that I am trying to fill the void in my life by doing all of this but no. I know what its like to be with someone. I know what its like to be with a group of friends. It doesn’t quite work for me anymore. Then why blog about it? Well, its because I am not entirely sure if what I am feeling is right. Initially the title of this post was “I am not good at talking to people and its okay”.

Shyness

I am shy. I used to be extra shy. I used to blame it on my mother who always pestered me to be “confident” but was herself an introvert. I also used to blame it on my friends who made fun of me for trying. Even if this were true, it is time for me to fix it. So now, I force myself to make conversations with people I don’t know. It goes well, sometimes! However, I do enjoy being on stage. I call this the “Michael Jackson Syndrome”. Super shy in real life but very confident in front of hundreds of people!

I feel a little embarrassed to share this song but hey! I like it!

Family to the rescue

I worked hard to get the job that I have now. Now that I have it, I feel empty. I enjoy my job but lately it has involved a lot of travelling. I leave early in the morning and come back late at night. I don’t talk much with people at work due to language barriers(and I am not much of a talker). Life is starting to suck remarkably. I feel too depressed to go out during weekends. I am forcing myself to go out at least during the weekends. I try to watch a movie or travel. And so the vicious cycle continues: Get a good job- job consumes more time from life-life becomes boring-become less productive at work -start to hate job because of boring life.

However, something good has come out of all this. I’ve started to talk to my mom and sister. I rarely talk to them since moving here. I’ve realised that there’s no shame in revealing SOME of my problems to my family. Earlier, I used to suck it all up because “boys don’t cry” or whatever. However, I have to admit that talking to my sister backfires most of the time. I love my sister but she is completely useless when it comes to cheering people up!

On an unrelated note, this Indian rendition of Sweet Child Of Mine is simply kickass!

I don’t fit in

I don’t fit it in anywhere. Literally. Not even in a shared cab :-). Everyone’s fine all crammed in until I try to fit in. They have that feeling of disgust on their face like I just sat on their face. You know what the worst part is? I have an average size body! I am not even that tall. Maybe its the way I sit I guess!.

I don’t fit in at work. Sure, I have some good friends there but when it comes to working together with someone, I suck. I either tend to be too nice, making others feel too comfortable and take advantage of me or I become too aggressive and end up making a fool of myself (either way, it usually ends up with me getting very aggressive). So the “team player” part of my resume is a blatant lie :-).

I don’t fit in with friend groups. I’ve noticed that whenever I get introduced to a group of friends, there’s someone who immediately hates me for some reason. The others lose interest slowly. Eventually, the person who introduced me regrets doing it.

I don’t fit in with a band. I get the chance to play because I kinda play well. All the jamming sessions go very well but when it comes to hanging out with the band, I again get left out.

I don’t fit in with my family. What can I say? Its like mom, sis and I actually like to argue with each other. We are better off texting each other. I like having the extended family over for parties. We have a little fun but eventually I get left out there too. Its a little weird when the host gets left out!

I don’t fit in AT ALL in relationships :-). I don’t think this one needs much explanation.

I know its no one’s fault but mine. On the bright side, I think I would be a perfect candidate for a one-way trip to outer space. Solo mission only please!

So I talked to the universe yesterday

First of all, I would like to apologize to all those of you who clicked the play button thinking its a video. Oh! The agony! Its a screenshot of a video. Make no mistake. I have not used any filter or special effects. Apparently this is what happens when a stage light beams directly onto your camera lens. Interestingly, the picture sort of portrays my emotions at the time. I was having fun. The picture was taken at a concert. So what does the universe have to do with this?

Well, as I have mentioned in my previous posts, the universe speaks to me in mysterious ways. This time, it was through one of my all time favourite drummers, my man, Marco Minnemann. Shortly after this picture was taken, I managed to tiptoe through all hulk-bodied security guys to talk face to face with this legend. He was awesome. He was the reason why I attended the concert. It was an extraordinary experience.

Something even more extraordinary happened that day. I made friends. My dear friends, that bright light in the picture is the universe whispering to me, “Look around you. These are all people you could be friends with. I have literally brought them all together in the same spot. Don’t fuck it up”.

Friendship Update

Its been a while since I published the post about ‘friends’. Thank you to all the wonderful people who took time to give their opinions on it. I am very excited and happy to post an update regarding my progress in the ‘fine art’ of making friends. Here’s the short version: I still don’t have friends 🙂

But I’ve come a long way, learned many things, travelled quite a bit and met a few amazing people. I’ve matured as a person. I have realized the faults in my lifestyle and……oh what the hell. Why am I even writing this?  Everything’s still the same except I have started to go out more, spend more time doing things I like(attending concerts, stand-up comedy shows, movies). My longing for friends had once peaked to such an extent that I had started to speak with random people on the road. Yes. Complete random strangers whose appearance made me feel like they were good people. What a great idea it was! The first few attempts went horribly wrong but guess what? It finally worked! I even met a dude who almost ended up doing some business with the company I work at. Unfortunately the contract got scraped due to budget issues but we’re still friends. I also met someone who introduced me to more people and now I hangout with them almost every weekend. I’m also trying to form a band. All this would make my introduction to this post seem very misleading but it is true. I hangout with these people so that I don’t feel bored. They are good friends but I still don’t have close friends(the type of people who you could discuss your problems with). But I am happy with what I have and I am still on the lookout for friends(unlucky people, offering them the chance of a lifetime to be my friend 🙂 ).

Moreover, I am so happy now that I have a platform to write all this nonsense. Thanks to anonymous blogging, I can say whatever crap I want. But lately I’ve been noticing these people called ‘followers’ on my blog. Are they my friends? Who are they and why would they want to do such a thing? :-). So now it feels like I am not so anonymous after all! Feels a little uncomfortable but you people are still the best!

Here’s some ‘feel good’ metal for you!

 

Back to square one

The only two friends I have here went home. I don’t think they are coming back. So I am back to taking long, lone walks after work and watching YouTube at home. Damn, making friends is so hard! The only thing I look forward to now are drum classes. Its conveniently placed on Saturdays at a convenient time. 7 p.m. Work on Saturday gets over at 3. So I walk home happily after work, chill at home till classes start. I met some people there who I hope will be the people I will hangout with from now on. The problem: They are graduates and one of them has sort of a crush on me. I tend to panic in these situations. I will manage to somehow fuck everything up.
There are no good movies playing now. So weekend movie is a no go this week. I am really looking forward to watching Conjuring 2. Man! The trailer was scary!
Work is starting to get frustrating. All the pride gained in getting a job in ‘Research and Development’ is slowly starting to fade. Especially when I get a project that is hard as fuck to get my head around. Here’s some rock goodness:

The last one really brings back old rock.