Category: loneliness

The universe did it again

Something incredible happened to me today. Here’s the short version:

I stepped outside the house and made friends.

That’s right. I left the comforts of my cozy apartment with its “high speed” internet and everything to wander about aimlessly through the streets.

Why is “me stepping outside the house” a big deal?

This is super embarrassing but it is also the truth. I broke up with my girlfriend a few weeks ago. Since then I have confined myself to my apartment. No travelling, no music, no outdoor stuff, no talking, no nothing. Everyday, I would leave for work, come back, watch videos on YouTube and go to bed when my back started to hurt. I kept asking myself – Why did you do it you looser? Actually the voice in my head used many more expletives which I will not be revealing here as this is a children-friendly blog after all(unfuckingbelievable). I’m sure you’ve heard/done all this before but for a person like me who is not very social as it is, this isolation was at an extreme level. I hated everything and everybody. I became super productive at work though. Don’t know how the hell that happened!

So on Saturday I decided to end this misery. I called up two of my friends who I haven’t talked to in a while and planned to go watch a movie the next day. Then I did the unthinkable. I stepped outside. While I sat on the sidewalk eating, a girl came sat next to me. We started to talk. The conversation went well, marked by surprised shouts of “Oh you’re from the south? me too!” “No way! You like shawarma too?” “Oh shit! you’re a hooker?” wait… the last one may have been just a question in my mind. Anyway… she had incredible stories to tell and she was also unbelievably honest.

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While walking I saw a couple with their little girl. Their accent sounded familiar. So I talked to them. Fast forward a few minutes. I find myself sitting on their couch watching a movie with them, their two year old sitting on top of my head. I had actually made friends. Incredible! Then I went for a long walk. On the way, I met a couple of guys playing football. They saw me staring at them and asked if I wanted to join.

It was like the universe had a board meeting regarding my pathetic condition. This is probably how the meeting went:

Alright listen up. Looks like this looser is going to kill himself if he goes on like this. Lets try giving him some friends. That’ll work! And just so that he wouldn’t get too happy, lets make him move. The funny thing is that I know for sure that I will not speak to or see these people again! However, it was nice to feel normal for a single day.

High five universe!

Just when you thought you’ve seen all the cool stuff on the internet:

https://www.jpl.nasa.gov/visions-of-the-future/

I am not good at talking to people and its okay…sort of

I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. I am talking about casual talk. I can’t hold a conversation for more than a few minutes. Either one of us gets bored quickly and the conversation fades.  I’ve been trying to fix this for a long time. I tried to fix it only because I wanted to feel normal. What’s weird is that I never realized that I am not good at talking to people until now. Up until now I never had to put in effort to make friends. They came in plenty at school! I am in my late 20s now. I am still close friends with my college mates. However, now we live in different parts of the world and that fucking sucks.

For the past few months, I’ve been forcing myself to start conversations with random strangers. Funny thing is that it worked. Almost everyone I talked to responded very well. It is what happened afterwards that I didn’t like. I quickly got bored of the talking. So I modified my approach. I blurted out only the important things and then I walked away. Ha ha. Weird and proud!

I’ve stopped trying so hard because I found out that deep down, I don’t really care. I’ve realized that I enjoy being alone, doing things only I like. I keep myself company. Going to watch movies alone has opened up a whole new world for me. I now immerse myself in the movie. I don’t have to worry about weather the other person likes the movie or not. You might think that I am trying to fill the void in my life by doing all of this but no. I know what its like to be with someone. I know what its like to be with a group of friends. It doesn’t quite work for me anymore. Then why blog about it? Well, its because I am not entirely sure if what I am feeling is right. Initially the title of this post was “I am not good at talking to people and its okay”.

Shyness

I am shy. I used to be extra shy. I used to blame it on my mother who always pestered me to be “confident” but was herself an introvert. I also used to blame it on my friends who made fun of me for trying. Even if this were true, it is time for me to fix it. So now, I force myself to make conversations with people I don’t know. It goes well, sometimes! However, I do enjoy being on stage. I call this the “Michael Jackson Syndrome”. Super shy in real life but very confident in front of hundreds of people!

I feel a little embarrassed to share this song but hey! I like it!

Family to the rescue

I worked hard to get the job that I have now. Now that I have it, I feel empty. I enjoy my job but lately it has involved a lot of travelling. I leave early in the morning and come back late at night. I don’t talk much with people at work due to language barriers(and I am not much of a talker). Life is starting to suck remarkably. I feel too depressed to go out during weekends. I am forcing myself to go out at least during the weekends. I try to watch a movie or travel. And so the vicious cycle continues: Get a good job- job consumes more time from life-life becomes boring-become less productive at work -start to hate job because of boring life.

However, something good has come out of all this. I’ve started to talk to my mom and sister. I rarely talk to them since moving here. I’ve realised that there’s no shame in revealing SOME of my problems to my family. Earlier, I used to suck it all up because “boys don’t cry” or whatever. However, I have to admit that talking to my sister backfires most of the time. I love my sister but she is completely useless when it comes to cheering people up!

On an unrelated note, this Indian rendition of Sweet Child Of Mine is simply kickass!

So I talked to the universe yesterday

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First of all, I would like to apologize to all those of you who clicked the play button thinking its a video. Oh! The agony! Its a screenshot of a video. Make no mistake. I have not used any filter or special effects. Apparently this is what happens when a stage light beams directly onto your camera lens. Interestingly, the picture sort of portrays my emotions at the time. I was having fun. The picture was taken at a concert. So what does the universe have to do with this?

Well, as I have mentioned in my previous posts, the universe speaks to me in mysterious ways. This time, it was through one of my all time favourite drummers, my man, Marco Minnemann. Shortly after this picture was taken, I managed to tiptoe through all hulk-bodied security guys to talk face to face with this legend. He was awesome. He was the reason why I attended the concert. It was an extraordinary experience.

Something even more extraordinary happened that day. I made friends. My dear friends, that bright light in the picture is the universe whispering to me, “Look around you. These are all people you could be friends with. I have literally brought them all together in the same spot. Don’t fuck it up”.

Friendship Update

Its been a while since I published the post about ‘friends’. Thank you to all the wonderful people who took time to give their opinions on it. I am very excited and happy to post an update regarding my progress in the ‘fine art’ of making friends. Here’s the short version: I still don’t have friends 🙂

But I’ve come a long way, learned many things, travelled quite a bit and met a few amazing people. I’ve matured as a person. I have realized the faults in my lifestyle and……oh what the hell. Why am I even writing this?  Everything’s still the same except I have started to go out more, spend more time doing things I like(attending concerts, stand-up comedy shows, movies). My longing for friends had once peaked to such an extent that I had started to speak with random people on the road. Yes. Complete random strangers whose appearance made me feel like they were good people. What a great idea it was! The first few attempts went horribly wrong but guess what? It finally worked! I even met a dude who almost ended up doing some business with the company I work at. Unfortunately the contract got scraped due to budget issues but we’re still friends. I also met someone who introduced me to more people and now I hangout with them almost every weekend. I’m also trying to form a band. All this would make my introduction to this post seem very misleading but it is true. I hangout with these people so that I don’t feel bored. They are good friends but I still don’t have close friends(the type of people who you could discuss your problems with). But I am happy with what I have and I am still on the lookout for friends(unlucky people, offering them the chance of a lifetime to be my friend 🙂 ).

Moreover, I am so happy now that I have a platform to write all this nonsense. Thanks to anonymous blogging, I can say whatever crap I want. But lately I’ve been noticing these people called ‘followers’ on my blog. Are they my friends? Who are they and why would they want to do such a thing? :-). So now it feels like I am not so anonymous after all! Feels a little uncomfortable but you people are still the best!

Here’s some ‘feel good’ metal for you!