Last week my mom said my jokes were too dark, and that she doesn’t find them amusing. So I blocked her on facebook. JK. I don’t use facebook. I prfer a more mature platform to exchange ideas and socialize like instagram. Now lets talk about the episode of The Simpsons where Michael Jackson plays a bald, fat prisoner in jail. No one thought that was weird. That exists in the universe.

The new problem

I can’t cum. I literally can’t. I know this has a lot to do with the antidepressants, but holy moly it feels weird. It’s a different kind of sad. It makes your girlfriend sad, it makes you sad, it sometimes even makes your neighbors sad. I am aware that a few changes in the medication might be able to fix this, but I don’t have the heart to tell my doctor. He’s so proud of my achievements, I don’t want to ruin it. Thinking back, I now realize why he asked me if I was single. I thought he was genuinely curious. So I happily said yes. My face lit up when I said it too. I thought it’ll make him happy, but apparently a single man in his early thirties is not exciting enough. You have to spice it up with a few mental disorders, maybe a few addictions here and there, and a resentful childhood tops it off like icing on a cake.

It feels weird because I still have “the drive”, but I just can’t cum. For someone like me, who used to jerkoff every other day, this might be a blessing in disguise, but now it’s like the tap’s closed. The fountain of youth is now a receding river.


There’s a few things I would like to address today, apart from the fact that I am rich now, and I have a new computer and a new phone. I would like to address all the people who were failed by the justice system. I would like to address the little kid who was punished by the teacher because some bullies set him up. I would like to address the countless zoo animals who live and breathe in captivity. Actually, the zoo animals don’t fit into this category but whatever. I would like to address the waiter who never got tipped because the chef was too slow at cooking. What all these people have in common is that they couldn’t prove their innocence. That’s what it comes down to, proof. The regular pack of Chocopies I ate today, had the extra cocoa ones in them. I have no proof of it now, because I ate it all. That’s what life does to screw you sometimes, it takes away the proof. All of a sudden the proof is NOT in the pudding. It’s gone. 30 years later, when you least expect it, the proof walks by you at a railway station, but now it’s too late. So you let the train go.


This is the elaborate packaging my laptop’s battery came in. I would be surprised if my own coffin had so much padding. My computer is over 10 years old. It has seen and heard so many things. It has been through a master’s course and 7 years of my first job, and it has not had one bit of jizz fall on it, ever. I am proud of myself for that. It has been through battle. It was attacked by a family member, and ended up with a shattered screen. It once flew out of my hand when the car hit the breaks. Ended up with a mother board failure. The doctors were always able to bring it back to life somehow. But now, it’s different. I see the early signs of Parkinson’s. It also doesn’t have a battery. So today I went to the electronics market, and there I saw hundreds of guys and girls deeply engrossed on their phones. It was like they couldn’t,t believe what was on the screen. Customers weren’t a concern to these people. They shooed them sway like flies. Some of them even refused to hear what I had to say. Then finally, a beautifully middle aged man and his twin brother dug out an ancient battery. It was sealed, and in pristine condition. So now’s my chance. The great Indian sale is going on and papa is going to score a computer. This old fella will be exchanged for a descent 9000 Rs.

My psychiatrist has a mole on his face, and it moves when he talks. It sometimes turns into a puppet situation where I think he’s being controlled by the mole, but I am fully aware that the mole has nothing to do with how rude he is. I have trouble moving on from things. It’s the same reason why I am stuck with a dead end job, and a horrible accountant.

I can’t drink redbull anymore because I am on medication. My airconditioner stopped working, and I didn’t respond to the only job offer that I got in years, and I’m drinking a redbull as I am writing this. Before you call me a whambulance, think about this for a second…never mind I got nothing.

The swag

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I am getting fancier. I have a credit card now. I go to airport lounges. I sip coffee. I eat white chocolate. I read the paper. I belittle colleagues. It’s been a great journey, and I never could have done it without you, my blog. The inner narcissist in me has had an awakening. I don’t answer texts right away. Sometimes I type just so that the other person sees the wavy dots thing, then I close it. This type of growth has been exciting to experience. Even my phone has developed a habit of rejecting calls by itself. So when I pull it out of my pocket, I think it touches the pocket and does a swipe by itself. It’s amazing. Also Puja is around the corner. It’s time to dress well and not look at people’s faces.

I joined a group

It’s people from all over the world, they come together through the magic of the Zoom Zoom, and they talk. You get to do two things, talk and listen. Say everything you want to say, and once you are done, it’s your turn to listen. You can talk about literally anything under the sun, and people will listen. They will not however, give their opinions on what your said. Instead, they reflect. I don’t how the fuck that’s different, but it is. If you don’t have anything to talk about, they will give you a topic that was chosen for that day. Obviously there are rules when it comes to confidentiality. What happens in the group stays in the group, or so they say. This is all free by the way, the same way Facebook is free. Maybe I am the product. Who knows? So far it hasn’t done a lot for me. All it has done is give me a sense of community. Beyond that it’s mostly me going “don’t say that. That’s inappropriate. They’ll feel bad. I’ll look bad” to myself. I like it when people do things that have no hidden agenda or ulterior motives, but somewhere along the way the agenda always comes out. Religion is usually the go-to. Either that or they want you to bring in more people. Either way, it sucks. Fortunately, this group has been different. Although talks of God come in from time to time, nothing is imposed. People are free to express themselves. The best part, there are no ties to the people of the group once you’re done with the session. You don’t have to catch up, hang out, suck each others dicks, nothing.

The randomness

Ever wonder about the randomness of things? I watched Everything Everywhere All At Once and it got me thinking. What is wrong with women? JK 🙂 . Here’s a random thing, I bought stock in a failing company. Not entirely random, but out of the blue, like the way I am going to switch topics now. The metro near my apartment is almost complete. Once it’s done, I get to travel to one of my favorite temples, easily. They have the best sweets in all of Kolkata in my opinion. I wonder how the auto rickshaw drivers feel about this development. Not very pleased I imagine. I just can’t wait to see the traffic fall after the entire city is connected by the metro. I have great expectations. To be able to see the city get around so fast, and so efficiently, would be amazing.

My sedentary lifestyle

I have Cholesterol. I have been accused of leading a sedentary lifestyle. I am a sedentary human being. I do not hunt for my food. I do not have to fight men much larger than myself to protect my territory. I do not have to pee in the grass outside my house. I live a sedentary lifestyle. I go to the toilet, I flush, and I come back. I open up the wrapper, I eat, and then throw the wrapper into the trash, and ONLY into the trash. I sometimes walk from point A to point B. I sometimes work up the courage to say no to Uber. I haven’t had sex in two months. Holy fuck that’s it! That’s why I have Cholesterol!

Gift of nature

The Guava, or as I like to call it, the round banana, is a magical, spherical fruit. Green, the most natural color you can think of, is all painted all around this masterpiece. There is no other fruit that tastes like a Guava. It’s unique blend of tangy, fleshy, sweet taste is a treat in itself. A guava can be a great meal. Ever tried it with salt and chili? Ever tried Guava juice with salt and chili? Ever tried just salt and chili? Ever tried biting just the tip of the chili? It gives you the flavor, without the heat. I was once at a party that I was not invited to, and they kept serving these drinks that had salt and chili powder smeared onto the rim of the glass. I couldn’t stop drinking it until I looked like a pregnant woman. It was so good! Here’s another superpower of the Guava. Beautiful shits. Loose, and satisfying. You can plant a Guava tree in your backyard right now. Give it some time and before you even know it, your dog would have destroyed it. Here’s the only bad thing, the seed. I know, I know, it’s how science works, it’s the circle of life, blah blah, but you gotta admit, the seeds are a little annoying. They are tiny enough to get lodged in the gaps in between your teeth. Speaking of eating seeds, ever wondered why they don’t sprout in the stomach? Neither did I.