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What’s the point of a vacation?

Some time ago, my psychologist suggested that I go visit some place nice, possibly with friends. Winter was just beginning to recede. It was a nice time, when the weather was not too cold or too shitty. We took a train from Sealdah. Papa likes old buildings, and this trip was filled with them. Old houses, mansions, places of worship, and trees. The place- Bansberia

Man! I could sit underneath a tree for hours. That’s a stretch. Maybe 20 minutes.

I could sit there, and just loose myself in emptiness. Natural, peaceful emptiness. You see the birds fly away, and you start to think, what the hell have you been doing for the last six years of your life. Was Michael Jackson really a pedophile? Will they reboot Johnny Quest?

Then we saw some buildings. Some of them, we couldn’t get into. Some of them let us see just the outside. Some of them, we wouldn’t dare try to enter because… well see for yourself

It’s quite certain that if you enter a place like this, you’ll probably end up leaving with a story to tell, just might not be a PG-13 one. The gates were closed, and there was a scary “no trespassing” sign on the gate. Plus the locals gave us weird looks. Not scary enough for ya? Take a look after I add a filter.

As tempting as it was, we left it.

By the end of the trip, I came to the realization that I need more of this in my life. I don’t feel like my mind has been cleared, but I feel like things are settling down. I am reminded that there’s more to life than money and computers. Oh and we ate this thing, I don’t know what else to call it but an upgraded roti. Just magical.

Cheated

I was overcharged for my grocery delivery. Lets go.

Big Basket is the name of the app and overpricing is their game.

A Tata Enterprise they said, but showed no honor to the name

Alright, enough of this poetry shit. They charged me Rs 719 for cooking oil, bros. For three fucking litres of cooking oil. I might have to sell my house now, if this is the way things are going. I needed it quick, in a panic I clicked the thing and boom, seven hundred gone. Now, why did I decide to try this app? Lets get some back story. I was living a happy life with my Easy Day grocery store, with my free deliveries and discounted prices, when fucking Amazon and Reliance decided to come ruin all of it. If you don’t know, there’s a whole battle happening between these companies, google it, it’s all over the news, lets just say the company that owns it is not having a great time. So I decide to try the new modern way of buying groceries, which is an app. Lo and behold, when I open the app they ask me if I want to get my stuff delivered in 20 minutes for free! It’s like Domino’s on steroids. I was amazed at how fast they manged to pick all that shit up in 20 minutes and bring it over to my apartment. But here’s the catch. Not only was everything overpriced, but I found that the sticker price on the can of cooking oil was way lower than what I was charged. I thought to myself, should I let this go? Absolutely not. The girlfriend just left yesterday. I’ve got shitloads of time on my hands. I’ve sent a text to their online customer service that still hasn’t replied. I get it, it’s a Sunday. People need to go to church, wack off, spend time with their family, I understand. But if I don’t get a resolution by tomorrow, I am… I will….I’m gonna… I’ll use that expensive cooking oil like a logical person.

Update: The extra charge was refunded

A new day, a new story

The tether has been broken. Whatsapp now works independently on upto 4 devices. Your phone need not be connected to the internet for you to use Whatsapp on the computer. The world is changing. My belly is getting bigger, but so is my ambition. I have a bigger appetite now, literally and figuratively.

I went to buy condoms from a far away drugstore. Far away, because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life walking by judgy eyes. So I get to the shop, and I almost yell out condoms! to the guy sitting at the desk. There’s one other customer in the store. He was so shocked that he almost dropped his medicines. The whole store has now come to a standstill. Papa likes the awkwardness (only at far-away drug stores). The store-keeper comes close and (you won’t believe this) yells out condoms in an even louder voice. I don’t know how he did it, but he somehow managed to sound inquisitive and accusive at the same time. Kids, this is how immature idiots try to shame good people for doing what they feel is right. I said “yes, condoms”. For a moment there, we sounded like early humans. Condoms! Condoms? Yes, condoms. Without blinking an eyelid, without looking away from my face, he slips his hand into a cabinet, and pulls out a single pack. I got so impressed at this skill, I almost applauded him, but I didn’t because he was giving me the death stare. I have to mention that ever since he brought out the box of condoms, his hand was kept covering the box, as if it’s a drug deal. I mean, it is a drug store! He tells me “320 Rs”. He never asked what brand I wanted, how many, or even my size (rude). Lets just say I wasn’t willing to spend 320 fucking Rupees on a box of condoms. So I asked him if there’s anything cheaper, and in goes the box of condoms, back to their dungeon. It was all so quick, all I could hear was the sound of the cabinet opening and closing. This was turning into some sort of a illegal antiques trade situation. I sensed the tension, and I backed off. Went back home, and bought it off of Amazon like I do always. The reason is now very clear. Did I mention that the customer who was already in the store when I came in, was leaving the store, but he stayed behind to see all this stuff go down. I wish he’d come to my standup gigs. I never realized I have the power to captivate people so much.

Unprotected

As a deeply depressed person, trying to manoeuvre through the sea of life is in itself a difficult task. It doesn’t help when your computer goes “Your PC doesn’t meet the minimum system requirements to run Windows 11”, which is a back handed way of saying, you’re not good enough for 2022. You’re outdated. Go home. Don’t talk to me. The fridge is empty. They don’t say it to your face though. It’s neatly hidden away in the system settings. My computer has been with me since 2013. I have not used it to it’s full potential. It’s had a screen replacement, and a blown power supply, but never a virus or a crash. I might even stop buying Kaspersky licence keys, because who knows? Sending out an unprotected laptop into the internet is like letting a teenager out in public, without a condom. It’s one and the same. Who knows what’s he going to catch? What’s he banking on? Windows Defender? Actually Windows defender is not that bad. Why the fuck don’t they make it better?

Barbery

I got so much stress at work today, but the lady at the fruit cart slipped in an extra banana into my bag, and I almost cried when I saw it. That’s a beautiful thing she’s done for me. She’s a bitch about giving change but she’s got a great heart.

I went and got a haircut today. I went to the fanciest place I could find, and it still cost me only 70 Rs. It’s like going back in time. I’m pretty sure, if you dig around, you’ll probably be able to find an old British fella, who thinks they’re still in charge. Anyway, you’ve ever been surprised by the barber with water? Some of these barber shops are like going to the water park. It gets me every time. You’ll be deep in thought about your meaningless life, and then he’ll dump a 1 litre bottle on your head with a straight face. He won’t even flinch. Now, if you’re in a men’s salon, and your barber’s a chatty one, chances are his belly will end up brushing against your face from time to time. It somehow amuses him. You can’t move, because if you pull back your head, he’ll cut you. Then we have to endure frivolous conversations about the weather, and the bags underneath your eyes. At the end, if you’re lucky, he’ll offer a head massage, which really is, him taking out the day’s pent up anger, on your head.

Sunday morning

Today, I’m going to talk about kindness, and the importance of empath…oh who fucking cares? Let’s talk about The Batman real quick. Let me tell you this. This movie has been growing on me. There are very few movies that do that, but the fact that I’m still thinking about it, is in itself proof that it has made a big impact on me. Maybe he’s a vigilante, maybe he’s messed up in the head, maybe he’s a nice human being, but there’s no denying the fact that everyone who liked the movie, saw a little bit of them in him. That determination to do the right thing, that feeling of helplessness when everyone around you hates you, that need to break out of your shell, and figure out what to do. It’s amazing man. I wish there would be more movies like this. I just started watching the Lighthouse, and already I know this is going to be great, because I don’t know Robert Pattinson. I don’t know who he is. I haven’t watched him in anything. Now all of a sudden I get introduced to not only this brilliant actor, but also this beautiful music, which by the way, I watched a podcast with Matt Reeves and the guy who did the score, and they said they wrote the score before they did the movie, and in my mind I go aah, so that’s what this is. This is an out-of-the- world concept. This is pure awesomeness in the form of a movie.

Dusk

Today I saw an Eagle’s nest just outside of work. It looked like it had been there for a while. It was huge. The Eagle that swooped in was huger. So majestic, the way it moves. It’s all about precision. Focusing in on it’s target from miles away, it can latch onto large prey. But now, it’s time to rest. Now, it’s 6:00 pm. It’s time to attend to the children. Down below, people are heading back home from work. The night shift people are coming in. Long, long faces. Deep signs of desperation. Like, feeling trapped. At the same time, there’s sounds of laughter, and there’s the smell of smoke. Horrible, cigarette smoke. It’s like the air wasn’t polluted enough.

Slippery slip slip

I found a condom on my window sill. This is a poem.

How safe is the universe?

Why do pigeons stare?

I saw two pigeons fighting for a single condom

The battle for the rubber, to be safer than the other

Why are condoms thrown away?

Why are they airborne?

Alas! they are thin, lightweight and never torn

lest they break, the moon will shake

forgive me , says the balloon maker

I am sensible, I am sick

Nostradamus does’t need a toothpick

The rubber will not endure a fall

I see time pass by

I count the needles in the eye

and suddenly, the poem goes off topic

into a land unknown, with folded arms I sit on the throne

tiny little milk packets

Now now, it’s getting grose

read the poem, angry nose

Aah fuck just end it

Good Friday

I went to watch Kanan Gill today, and let me tell you something, I’m getting old. It felt odd, sitting with a group of teenagers. I kept looking back, thinking “the grownups are coming, right?”. I sat up front, in the middle cos papa likes the full experience, and I know Mr. Gill doesn’t engage with the crowd much. So I’m sitting there, feeling even more lonely than I usually do, and finally he comes out. What an entrance! I have seen only a few people enter a stage like that in my life. The last one was Mary Kom, and she made her presence felt throughout the hall. Not to perv out too much, but she’s got an amazing body. So anyway, I’m looking up at Mr Gill’s magnificent beard. I want to gently stroke it, maybe rub my face on it. One hour passed by in the blink of an eye. It was that good. Anything that makes you forget your life, is good. Except, heroine. Mr. Gill came not just with comedy, but with wisdom and music. He got on stage, accompanied by an absolute banger of a track by Tigercub. Grungy, poppy, hard rocky. Papa love it.