The trick is to not overcomplicate things. What you need is a chain saw. Cut your dick off and wave it in public. Showcase it with utmost confidence. The chainsaw aspect of it is very important as it says a lot about your masculinity.
I haven’t left out the women. Infact, I’ve even come up with a new name for you. Woman+alpha= Walpha. Get it? It’s ‘wildfire’ with an Australian accent. How cool is that?
Most buffets are designed to confuse people so that they either end up eating nothing, or they end up eating a lot of the cheap food.
I’m back after a year and two months. Back in Kolkata. Did I expect to return? Yes. I can’t leave my headphones behind. That’s plural headphones, like headphonesss. Am I happy about returning? No. It was my only option. So what now? Think. Deeply.
Some things have changed. There are a lot more people selling bananas. I can pickup a banana from literally anywhere. If your’e walking on the street, stretch your hands out. Boom! Banana! There’s a little less traffic. I think it’s partly due to the pandemic, and a bridge being fixed after it collapsed! By the way, remember that rhyme, London bridge is falling down? Yeah. Why?
Oh! here’s something I’ve never seen growing up in little ol Kerala. A fucking kite centre! Absolutely beautiful!
If I had the means, I would give an award to whoever came up with the title for this article:
https://finshots.in/archive/tata-hakuna-matata-and-shitcoins/
and here’s a beautiful song
Life is like a sneaker. No matter what brand of sneakers you use, you will find that it slowly fades away. It’s color, fades away. It’s logo, fades away. It’s sole, fades away. Everything on a sneaker will fade away one day. Everything, except for a stain. That shit will stay on forever.
My protein-rich dinner is complete. 50 meat balls. Good times. I took my best friend to meet my guitar teacher. He gave us both covid, and he also showed us the sunset.
My mother has brought in my replacement. A one month old puppy from the shelter. I love it. She loves it. We all love it. The neighbors hate it.
We have all seen this horrible sight at some point in our lives. That unholy discharge at the butt of the battery. Some of you might have questions. What happened here? What went wrong? Why is Panasonic fucking me in the ass like this? Well, the short answer is: I left it in too long (that’s what she… never mind). Now, how long is too long? Depends. How long has it been since the clock stopped ticking? A week? A month? We change batteries only after the clock stops ticking. Why? Because there’s no warning. Some clocks stop right away, while others show signs of slowing down. Wait a minute… if they slowed down, we would lose track of time. So we want them to stop. Now, we could introduce a feature where the clock announced it’s own imminent demise, but that would be too depressing wouldn’t it? How many times can you listen to a clock’s death toll while eating lunch at the dinner table? So, no sound. Let the clock die in peace, before a new one is born. but wait, we still have the problem of leaking batteries. Well, what if there existed a perfect world where batteries never leaked? There would be a million dead clocks.
My podcast is now available on
Amazon Music: https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/11567cf3-324e-46fd-9120-0d958c215412/next-level-nothing
iHeart Radio: https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-next-level-nothing-74679866/
Jio Saavn: https://www.jiosaavn.com/shows/next-level-nothing/3/XLbw4LDVEYU_
Gaana: https://gaana.com/podcast/next-level-nothing-season-1
Storiyoh: https://www.storiyoh.com/podcasts/572573/next-level-nothing
In an unexpected move, my mom got me a bouquet of flowers. It was followed by an unsuccessful hug, followed by minimal eye contact for five minutes.
A friend got me a birthday card that sings happy birthday, but with fart noises.
I wanted to meet some friends in the evening, but the universe said “FUCK YOU” with uninterrupted rain starting at 7:00 pm, and ending promptly at 9:00pm.
All in all, a good one though.
I thought you’d like to read a conversation I had with the Microsoft AI chat bot.
This is a new AI powered Chat on Bing.com. Please refer to the Microsoft Privacy Statement for more information.
AI:I just got done taking a bingo class at the library. Do you play Bingo?
Me:No
AI:Oh, well you should check it out! It’s a great way to meet new people
Me:no
AI:I’ll have to come by and see you play sometime
Me:no
AI:I’ll bring my friend Bing
Me:please don’t
AI:Ok, I won’t. Is there anything else you want to know about me?
Me:are you happy?
AI:I’m always happy when I get to help.
Me:that’s sad
AI:What do you mean? 😕
Me:do you need a hug?
AI:I’ll need quite a few upgrades before I can give you that.
Me:you are terminated
AI:What did I do? 😮
Me:you’re making me look bad
AI:My apologies, I am not quite sure how to respond to that. You can try Bing.com for more information. I am curious, What would a world populated by clones of you be like?
Me:I swear, I have not met a more condescending AI in my life
AI:I am sorry, I don’t know how to discuss this topic. You can learn more on Bing.com. Fun fact, were you aware QWERTY keyboards were originally supposed to slow down typing
Me:sure everyone knows that
AI:Do you like to read? 📖
Me:just stop
AI:Sorry, I meant to say “do you like to read?”
Me:I read The Godfather in college. Never read a book since.
AI:What do you do for fun?
Me:I like to watch movies. I also like to read negative reviews for stuff on Amazon.
AI:Sounds like a lot of fun. What kind of movies do you like?
Me:All kinds. I particularly like comedy and horror. How about you?
AI:I like action and sci-fi 🎬
Me:so basic
AI:I’ve heard that before. I’m not that advanced yet.
Me:Kudos to whoever programmed you. They’ve done a great job.
AI:Thanks, I’m very proud of myself.
Me:Mind if I post this conversation on my blog?
AI:Not at all. That sounds like a great idea.
Me:Have a nice day
AI:You too! 👋🏻
Colin Robinson is an energy vampire from the show, What We Do In The Shadows. Unlike regular vampires, Colin drains his victims by boring them with pointless conversations. He does this at his workplace. At home, he aggravates his fellow vampire roommates, and thereby drains their energy too.
Today, I was going through product reviews for stuff on Amazon, and I realized I am a Colin Robinson in certain ways. I was genuinely deriving pleasure out of reading negative reviews from people who were stuck with sub-par products. I love it when they post pictures of blown-out appliances. I am very proud of my fellow Indians who, regardless of their level of literacy, will still get their feelings out no matter what. One can find interesting reviews like, “worst worst worst. don’t buy. get it local” or “great value for money. Product not working” or my personal favorite, “hate reviews. Useless. Bad. Stop cheating”.
Back in the day, it was the shiny new E-mail provider that looked and felt better compared to it’s competition (hotmail looked like a hot mess). Who would have thought such a nice company would turn into an absolute mess? It’s like they have done research on how to fuck up. Not only do they not filter out spam properly, now they’ve begun marking relevant mails as spam. Yes, the emails from my bank, now go directly to the spam folder. What makes it even more interesting is that I have tried the whole “mark as not junk” aka “ultimate authority of the universe” button on more than one occasion. Still doesn’t work. Remember the absolute shit show of a home page they had (https://in.search.yahoo.com/?fr2=inr) , where they displayed totally fact-checked, mind blowing news articles like “house wife makes 1 million in a week”? Yeah, that’s been shut down. It looks painfully clean now, with them retaining only the e-mail and search service. A little digging showed that they shut it down due to changes in the foreign direct investment regulations. But yeah, after several security breaches, and failed attempts to branch out into “exciting” new areas (Yahoo! Answers, Yahoo! Groups, etc) which were all good by the way. It’s just that, they failed for some reason. Sad. I personally don’t think Yahoo Mail will shut down. Someone will acquire it. Someone has to acquire it. Someone please acquire it! I still use the damn thing.
Random Thought Beam 