You might think the title of this post was pure click bait but you are wrong. This was a legitimate thought I had today when I found out the apples I bought about month ago had gone bad. I am now at a point in my life where I would actually find it exciting to walk up to the roof and burn my underwear. Just because I can. I have the freedom to do so.
PS: For the love of God, don’t burn your underwear. I didn’t burn mine. Don’t be an idiot. Do something nice. Help someone out. Go watch Deadpool or something. Oh, I almost forgot. Here’s a picture of a dead bird.
Have a good weekend.
I wrote this yesterday night while I was drunk. I forgot to post it.
Sometime during my high school days, my mother slapped me on my face. It was a memorable event. It was one of those, “head-spinning, birds chirping” kind of slaps that I will never forget. I remember thinking, “holy shit, does she work-out secretly?”. I also remember why she did it. It was because I was being a brat about the quality of dinner that she had been giving me for the past few days. What I didn’t think through was that she was a single mom, taking care of me, my grandparents and my pet dog. Funny thing is, immediately after I got slapped, I heard dad’s voice. “Treat her like a queen”, those were his last words to me. It was kind of frightening, the way he said it. It was as if he would haunt me in my sleep if I did otherwise.
Mom, I don’t think I’ve ever hurt you but I also know that I haven’t been much of a good “son” either. I know you would like to talk to me everyday even if there was nothing to say. Unfortunately, I suck at “conversations”. I am working on it. I know you are worried about why I don’t have a girlfriend. I know you are worried about why I don’t have any friends 🙂 . It’s so cute how every time I tell you I went for a movie, you ask “so did you watch it with anyone?”. And every time I tell you I went alone, I can hear you sigh silently. Makes me laugh every time. Funny thing is that you are never ever going to read this post. You don’t know I have a blog. I am only writing this because I’m drunk. I’ll probably delete this once I am sober. But for the limited amount of time this post is live, I want you to know that the you are a wonderful human being and you have done a great job raising your kids(I know I turned out fine. The other one, not so much. I think she’s a little messed up in the head. But she’s cool).
Step 1: Think
Think about what exactly you want to say before you say it. Remember, all bosses are busy. So you need to keep it short. Also, don’t jibber jabber.
Step 2: Gather courage
There is nothing wrong in communicating your wishes/problems. It is a sign of growth.
Step 3: Go for it
While you walk into their room, depending on what kind of martial arts you are into, make an announcement in their respective language. For example, if you are into Karate, say in Japanese,” I am going to make you pay for all the horrors you made me go through”. Then, show them who’s boss. I recommend going with your best move first. Do it with confidence, with a smile on your face. It will create a lasting impression.
Step 3 is up for interpretation. It is upto the reader to decide if it is to be taken literally(Stanley Kubrick taught me this).
These are just jokes. The name of the frikkin blog is “Random Thought Beam” after all. So don’t try this at home. However, if you do end up beating up your boss, let me know how it goes. Put it up on your blog. Will be a fun read.
While coming back from work today, I saw a hand pop-up from a crowd on the sidewalk, signalling the auto-rickshaw to stop. It was just me and a lady in the rickshaw. There was room for one more. So the driver pulled over. As the person emerged from the crowd, the driver realized that this person is a little overweight. The driver looked at her and boom! just took off before she got in. Now kids, this is where you should go,” hey asshole, stop the damn rickshaw and let her in. I’ll sit in the front seat”(this is allowed here. I don’t know why, but yes, it is allowed), but I didn’t say anything. I just sat there with words stuck inside my head, trying not to make eye-contact with anyone for fear of “conversation”. Kids, I am what they call, a pussy. But I’ll tell you one thing for sure. This won’t happen again. Yeah that’s right. Testosterone is gonna erupt the next time I see this happen 🙂 .
The year is 2000. I’m siting on the floor, watching my sister watch MTV. I look at her face. There’s no reaction. I look at the TV. I see the MTV logo with the big, orange “M” flash on the screen. Then I see a backstreet boys dance to “backstreet’s back”. Sister and I begin to jump around and dance. Good times.
Fast forward to today. I am at the gym, being careful not to make eye contact with anyone for fear of “conversation”. VH1 is playing on the TV. A Bruno Mars song is playing. Suddenly, the song ends and a weird show begins. In this show, they basically talk about celebrities.
- Who’s dating who
- Who just got a divorce
- Who just got pregnant
- What do you think Meghan Markle should wear to the “big event”?
And I thought to myself, “holy shit!. I miss TV!”. Just kidding. It just made me happier about not having cable TV at home. Don’t get me wrong. They still play great music! It’s the other parts that I don’t get.
You order takeout. That’s what you need to do. Or go to your favourite restaurant and eat till you have to loosen your belt. Because you deserve it. You earned it. You can trust me (I can cut my own hair). Also, while you are at it, try to learn from your mistakes, you know, that sort of thing. My weekend didn’t go that well. Then it dawned on me to eat a nice burger. The very thought of eating my favourite burger was in itself an uplifting experience. In all seriousness though, don’t sweat at the small things. Life is much bigger than that, like a whole fried chicken. Enjoy life/bacon while you can. Also, don’t forget ice cream. That shit is literally happiness in frozen form.
Now, listen to this tasty jam I made
Why else would I receive mail about an ‘amazing deal on 4 bras+1 camisole’ on a Friday evening? How did it bypass my rock-solid spam filter? Maybe its a sign. Yup, its a sign from the universe. Time to re-evaluate my gender. I had to google ‘camisole’ for God’s sake. Not bad! Maybe I am a pervert.