loneliness

Get out

I read a post on Reddit today titled “People who have friends. How?”. Simple question with complicated answers. Believe me when I tell you that this post was up-voted by thousands and thousands of people. So I assume that a lot of people could relate. Whenever I come across such posts , I feel the sudden urge to make a reassuring comment(even though I suck at this sort of thing myself). So being the social animal that I am, I make outstanding comments that often lead to me getting banned from commenting. Just kidding. My comments actually do really well. I usually get a good amount of positive response. I just don’t reply to them. Because you know…anxiety is a bitch. It bites you with specially sharpened surgical-knife-grade-teeth.   

There were also questions like “why do I exist?”, “I am lonely, what do I do?” My advice- No one can give you a solution to your specific problem. You need to find that out for yourself. You need to try out new things until you find that special thing that makes you happy. What I can tell you are the things that I do to keep me sane. They are in no way ‘solutions’ to your problems but they might help. Wait a minute…why am I replying to a Reddit post on WordPress? Who gives a shit.

It might sound absurd but I’ve found travelling really helps. I feel like it awakens dormant parts of the brain and obviously you meet new people along the way(not me, I loose the ability to speak when I travel). Every once in a while I am reminded that I don’t have any friends. I’ve got a little trick up my sleeve for those situations which is, I pack my bags and leave. Yup. I just leave. I go on short trips. I take the train, I walk around, I smell the air, I eat the food, I take a leak, I take some pictures(without disturbing others), then I come back home and I write about it(LIKE A BOSS). And somehow, I hate the world a little less when I get back. I feel like there are good people out there.

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Feelings

I am now at a point in my life where I do not feel like reading the paper after I get home from work. Instead, I have this urge to look at old pictures of me hanging out with my friends. But I will never do that because I am not a pussy. Fuck feelings. More YouTube.

Insensitive-update

This is an update on a prank I’ve been playing on my colleagues for the past one week. I’m sure you’ve read my post about it. If you haven’t already, I kindly request you to stop fucking around and go read it. Appreciate my talent for god’s sake. I work in R&D. I own 3 pairs of headphones. I’m a big deal, is what I’m trying to say. 

https://randomthoughtbeam.wordpress.com/2018/02/09/insensitive/

Anyway, the prank was going great. Today, I got a friend who came over and asked if I was okay. I thought to myself, ” hurray! she’s the funniest of the lot. I am going to get a great response out of her!”. So I gave her the bait.

Me: “Do you ever think about suicide?”. 

Colleague: “Yes”

Me: (in my mind) “oh shit”

Colleague: “I think my parents hate me”

Me: (in my mind) “double shit”

Colleague: “It started ever since that evil sibling of mine was born. My life has been hell after that”

Lets just say things started to get real tense after that. I’m not used to seeing people burst out in tears. So I jumped up and ended the bit quickly. As years pass by, the more I feel like funny people carry a lot of pain. I got really pissed however, when I found out she was pranking me. That’s some ‘fire with fire’ shit right there.

Man is a social animal? Really? Nah!

I am now at a point in my life where I have completely lost the ability to socialize. Yes, its 100% gone. I did it! Woo hoo! Feels great. I feel like I deserve a medal or something. Or a hug. I prefer the hug over the medal actually.

I tried. I gave it my best. How can you conquer something that deep down you know you don’t want? I have begun to really really like not talking to people. I am very happy by myself. Ha ha. But it worries me because I know that’s not good.

Conversation

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Mind:

I was walking on wet sand when I noticed the water drying up wherever I stepped. It felt very strange. As I walked further I saw bright red crabs running back into their burrows. I have to say their sense of vibration is pretty good! This is where it starts to get weird- I felt sad seeing them run away from me! Questions started to emerge. Do I really belong here? If I do belong here then why is everything running away from me?

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Brain:

Good old depression is back! The first thing about water and sand is pure physics. You know that. So stop whining.

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Mind:

First of all, fuck you. Second of all, how are you still alive? I thought you were paralysed from all the sleep deprivation I gave you.

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Brain:

Yeah about that, we’ll be shutting down tomorrow sometime between 4 and 6. So don’t be in a meeting or whatever. And stop talking to that girl after midnight. Its not worth it. Pretty soon your organs will start to shut down. And by the way, stop eating all that junk before you sleep. I’ve been trying to contact Liver since last week. Dude is not even picking up. And by the way, start talking to people. There are good people out there. Stop being such a whining looser all the time.

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Mind:

How dare you you fucking slimy ball of noodles? Wait… you’re right. I’ll take care of it. Hang in there buddy. In the meantime, take a look at these pictures I took. Damn! I am a pro!

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IMG_20170514_152645Henry’s Island, West Bengal

I don’t fit in

I don’t fit it in anywhere. Literally. Not even in a shared cab :-). Everyone’s fine all crammed in until I try to fit in. They have that feeling of disgust on their face like I just sat on their face. You know what the worst part is? I have an average size body! I am not even that tall. Maybe its the way I sit I guess!.

I don’t fit in at work. Sure, I have some good friends there but when it comes to working together with someone, I suck. I either tend to be too nice, making others feel too comfortable and take advantage of me or I become too aggressive and end up making a fool of myself (either way, it usually ends up with me getting very aggressive). So the “team player” part of my resume is a blatant lie :-).

I don’t fit in with friend groups. I’ve noticed that whenever I get introduced to a group of friends, there’s someone who immediately hates me for some reason. The others lose interest slowly. Eventually, the person who introduced me regrets doing it.

I don’t fit in with a band. I get the chance to play because I kinda play well. All the jamming sessions go very well but when it comes to hanging out with the band, I again get left out.

I don’t fit in with my family. What can I say? Its like mom, sis and I actually like to argue with each other. We are better off texting each other. I like having the extended family over for parties. We have a little fun but eventually I get left out there too. Its a little weird when the host gets left out!

I don’t fit in AT ALL in relationships :-). I don’t think this one needs much explanation.

I know its no one’s fault but mine. On the bright side, I think I would be a perfect candidate for a one-way trip to outer space. Solo mission only please!