loneliness

Hiding

Do you know what it feels like to sit at home all alone while the rest of the world is outside having fun? It feels surprisingly good! I should do this more often. Only problem is that I have begun to talk to the computer. Not to Cortana or Siri. Just to the screen. 

I should stop using overly dramatic post titles.

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Man is a social animal? Really? Nah!

I am now at a point in my life where I have completely lost the ability to socialize. Yes, its 100% gone. I did it! Woo hoo! Feels great. I feel like I deserve a medal or something. Or a hug. I prefer the hug over the medal actually.

I tried. I gave it my best. How can you conquer something that deep down you know you don’t want? I have begun to really really like not talking to people. I am very happy by myself. Ha ha. But it worries me because I know that’s not good.

Conversation

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Mind:

I was walking on wet sand when I noticed the water drying up wherever I stepped. It felt very strange. As I walked further I saw bright red crabs running back into their burrows. I have to say their sense of vibration is pretty good! This is where it starts to get weird- I felt sad seeing them run away from me! Questions started to emerge. Do I really belong here? If I do belong here then why is everything running away from me?

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Brain:

Good old depression is back! The first thing about water and sand is pure physics. You know that. So stop whining.

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Mind:

First of all, fuck you. Second of all, how are you still alive? I thought you were paralysed from all the sleep deprivation I gave you.

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Brain:

Yeah about that, we’ll be shutting down tomorrow sometime between 4 and 6. So don’t be in a meeting or whatever. And stop talking to that girl after midnight. Its not worth it. Pretty soon your organs will start to shut down. And by the way, stop eating all that junk before you sleep. I’ve been trying to contact Liver since last week. Dude is not even picking up. And by the way, start talking to people. There are good people out there. Stop being such a whining looser all the time.

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Mind:

How dare you you fucking slimy ball of noodles? Wait… you’re right. I’ll take care of it. Hang in there buddy. In the meantime, take a look at these pictures I took. Damn! I am a pro!

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IMG_20170514_152645Henry’s Island, West Bengal

I don’t fit in

I don’t fit it in anywhere. Literally. Not even in a shared cab :-). Everyone’s fine all crammed in until I try to fit in. They have that feeling of disgust on their face like I just sat on their face. You know what the worst part is? I have an average size body! I am not even that tall. Maybe its the way I sit I guess!.

I don’t fit in at work. Sure, I have some good friends there but when it comes to working together with someone, I suck. I either tend to be too nice, making others feel too comfortable and take advantage of me or I become too aggressive and end up making a fool of myself (either way, it usually ends up with me getting very aggressive). So the “team player” part of my resume is a blatant lie :-).

I don’t fit in with friend groups. I’ve noticed that whenever I get introduced to a group of friends, there’s someone who immediately hates me for some reason. The others lose interest slowly. Eventually, the person who introduced me regrets doing it.

I don’t fit in with a band. I get the chance to play because I kinda play well. All the jamming sessions go very well but when it comes to hanging out with the band, I again get left out.

I don’t fit in with my family. What can I say? Its like mom, sis and I actually like to argue with each other. We are better off texting each other. I like having the extended family over for parties. We have a little fun but eventually I get left out there too. Its a little weird when the host gets left out!

I don’t fit in AT ALL in relationships :-). I don’t think this one needs much explanation.

I know its no one’s fault but mine. On the bright side, I think I would be a perfect candidate for a one-way trip to outer space. Solo mission only please!

Friends

FistBumpFriends- The best thing that can happen to anyone. Any problem in life is made easy with them. My friend circle is very small. So, moving far away from home has resulted in me getting completely cut off from them. However, we keep in touch almost daily over the internet. My problem with that is that it simply sucks.

I am a little picky when it comes to friends. Like any normal person would, I prefer like- minded people. In my case, that seems to be a little too much to ask for because(how do I make this non-cringe worthy?) my type doesn’t come in plenty! So now I’ve broadened the approach. I try to talk to whoever comes my way. This has resulted in many awkward conversations, sometimes giving off wrong signals and even turning flirtatious. I wish there was an easy way to do this. There are apps to do this sort of thing but I’m terrified to use them.

I realise now that I had been taking friends for granted. They came in plenty at school! You didn’t have to put any work into it! There were so many people around me that I had the luxury to choose people. But now, things are different. I have to work hard to make good friends. I have to, dare I say it, ‘go out’. The funny thing is that I never meet good friends this way. I meet interesting people in interesting ways! It usually happens by coincidence. It’s like the universe sends them to me. Since the universe has been awful quiet lately, I am forced to find friends on my own. I never realised it would be so hard. I am forced to make myself appealing to get to talk to people. I know that there is a natural tendency for people to want to hang out with other happy  people. This is why I admire people like Kevin Hart. He is one of my favourite comedians. I enjoy his shows, interviews, actually everything he does on camera. The energy he radiates is extraordinary. You can see this in every talk show he’s been on. He is one of those people who inspires people to get out there and do stuff. Unfortunately, I am not like him. I am not a very pleasing person and I am not always happy. I have also heard that successful people hagout with other successful people. I interpret it as ‘smart people prefer to keep their smartness fresh by hanging out with other smart people’ which is probably ignorant but hey! I don’t differentiate them when they seek my friendship!. Unfortunately, I tend to repel successful people very quickly!

I am now at a point in my life where I could really use a few good friends. I am not a total introvert who does not talk to anyone. I have a few friends at work. Here’s the problem: The friends at work are only friends at work. Unfortunately all of them stay very far away from the workplace and so I very rarely get to hangout with them outside the office. My friends from college are my closest. I was the happiest person in the world when a few of them came to visit me. I had the best time of my life. If I get a chance, I would rather visit them than go home.

I like watching talk shows on YouTube. Apart from the fancy high budget kind, I also like those  types where common people get together and talk about day-to-day problems that everyone face. Its even more awesome if they are funny and are also friends with each other. This leads me to think that my longing to have a group of friends has peaked to such a level that I like to watch people on YouTube have a good time. One positive thing that has come out of not having any friends is that my imagination is running wild! You know it is time to make friends as soon as possible when you start to imagine having conversations with imaginary people!

So here’s the thing about me that is really messed up: There actually was a point in my life not too long ago when I had a good number of friends. I enjoyed their company very much. However,as we hung out more and more, I started to get sick of them. I wanted to go back to my lonely miserable condition. I am not sure if it had anything to do with the group  that I hung out with but I really felt bad about it. I thought something was wrong with me. I was literally hunting for friends the whole time and when I finally had what I wanted, I wanted to get rid of them. It is really hard  to describe the feeling of not wanting too many friends. But that is not even the worst part. I actually wanted to be ALONE at that point. The people who I hung out with had not done anything to upset me. Its just weird.

Back to square one

The only two friends I have here went home. I don’t think they are coming back. So I am back to taking long, lone walks after work and watching YouTube at home. Damn, making friends is so hard! The only thing I look forward to now are drum classes. Its conveniently placed on Saturdays at a convenient time. 7 p.m. Work on Saturday gets over at 3. So I walk home happily after work, chill at home till classes start. I met some people there who I hope will be the people I will hangout with from now on. The problem: They are graduates and one of them has sort of a crush on me. I tend to panic in these situations. I will manage to somehow fuck everything up.
There are no good movies playing now. So weekend movie is a no go this week. I am really looking forward to watching Conjuring 2. Man! The trailer was scary!
Work is starting to get frustrating. All the pride gained in getting a job in ‘Research and Development’ is slowly starting to fade. Especially when I get a project that is hard as fuck to get my head around. Here’s some rock goodness:

The last one really brings back old rock.