The good news is that the “Chrome” I’m referring to is not a nickname for drugs. I’m referring to the internet browser. I used to be the kid with all the cool apps. One app to view YouTube videos, another app to download them, yet another app to rip the audio from them. Not anymore. Big boy loves simplicity now. I don’t like clutter on any of my devices(this is really starting to sound like a Google ad). I use Edge on my PC. That’s it. Not Chrome, not Mozilla, just Edge. Boring, old, simple, Edge. I use Chrome on my phone, not Edge, and definitely not that Opera shit(faster, safer, my ass). Am I living in my own bubble by doing this? Nah. I don’t think so. I’m just happy with stock apps.
Unfortunately, that all changed today. I had it with Edge. It was giving me so much trouble, that I just had to install Chrome. Here’s the problem with Edge. I run into problems when I visit some questionable websites, namely WordPress(Ah! The irony, or some shit like that). To name a few:
- The font would turn red. This is not a joke. The fucking font on WordPress would turn red, and stay that way until I restart the browser. Talk about some bloody mysterious shit.
- Browsing WordPress would use up all of my computer’s memory. That’s right. Reading blogs about social anxiety would use up 8 gigs of RAM. I can’t afford a therapist for my laptop.
- Typing words at the end of a sentence would replace words at the beginning of the sentence. Look, I realize I’m coming off pretty delusional right now. I realize that. But this shit actually happens to me. Me! Out of all the great writers on WordPress, the internet-demons chose to fuck with me. I’m not a writer. I don’t even read books. The last time I tried reading a novel, I forgot what it was about, halfway into the book. So I decided to fuck it and watch the movie instead. Having said that, I now have a whole new level of appreciation for books. That shit really hits the heart. I still hate them though.
As a kid, were you scared to go to the dentist? I was. Everything about it was scary. Let’s begin with the gigantic spaceship-light that hovers through the whole procedure. Who designed that? Why do you have to sacrifice your eyes to get your teeth fixed? That shit is overloading the eyes. Next, there’s the doctor, in search of cavities. Dude’s on a lunar mission. He’s all suited up, ready to dig into your exposed nerve endings. For some reason, he thinks that his frightening smile will calm you down. Suddenly, he starts talking to you about your school, choice of clothing, and favourite food (all really personal shit, by the way), like he’s a member of the family now. What we don’t realise is that the sneaky bastard is gathering vital information that he will later use to break you down. Then, there’s the nurse. She wipes your face and sticks a tube in your mouth. The tube sucks out all the water and saliva. She’s like the good guy, but then, you notice that she doesn’t stop STARING. Now, I really don’t mind some female attention. However, the death-stare would go on for the full procedure. I know, it’s her job, but anyone who stares at me for longer than a minute straight, is a threat. Plus, she’s having a virtual reality dream inside my mouth. So, I signal her to reposition the tube, because the sucker has stopped sucking, and my mouth is overflowing.
Then the procedure, aka, mouth-rape, begins. The commencement of the mouth-raping is signalled by the sound of what appears to be a chainsaw, but really is just a little spinning Beyblade. As the construction workers enter your mouth hole, you make a promise to yourself. “I will do whatever it takes to never be in this situation again”, but that rarely happens. Oh! I almost forgot to mention the TV that’s supposed to calm you down, but instead bores you to such an extent that you lose all sensation.
As an adult, I am still scared to go to the dentist. I sill have my childhood fears. On top of that, I don’t want to sell my house to pay the doctor. I prefer to keep the house. I like my house. Jokes aside, dentists are cool. They are doing really good work. It’s not fun to fix people’s disgusting mouths. Plus, they help me smile with confidence(even though I’m crying inside).
Long, long ago, in a small town called Topsia, lived a woodpecker named Poseidon. How did he get the name Poseidon, you ask? None of your business. I’m telling the story.
Now, Poseidon was a careful pecker, the kind that flies around with safety gear, like Tom Cruise. Poseidon’s only dream was to see his daughter get married to a industrialist named Timothy Olyphant, but alas! She was gay. News of her gayness spread far and wide, even to the nearby zoo. Now, the zookeeper of this zoo was a religious fundamentalist. When he saw two of these birds doing it at the water fountain, he lost his goddamn mind. He shooed them away.
That’s right. This guy wakes up in the morning, goes to work, and shoos away gay birds. If you thought your life was meaningless, think again and again and again.
Loneliness has started to creep in. So I welcomed it like an old friend, and then took it to the park, because if there’s one way to beat loneliness, it’s to drown it in a sea of people. Lucky for me, it was one of the weirdest parks I’ve ever been to. Prepare for pictures that no one asked for.
Random cottage in the middle of the park, that doesn’t let people in, hence the fresh look.
Unlucky visitor who got turned to stone by park authorities when she tried to leave the park. #parkfears
Some of the visitors were captured by park authorities before they could leave the park. They are now forced to smile at new visitors.
“They gouged my eyes out and turned me into stone, but they gave me a cap. I kinda like it here now. It’s better than my desk job at Cisco”.
Kiss fans still rocking the tongue trick
Some of the visitors who were captured tried to revolt against park authorities. They went full-on war mode.
Oh, then there was Egypt
I read an article in the paper today. It was about BIG DATA. I don’t know why I typed that in all caps. Maybe its’s to incite FEAR. Is it working? RELATIONSHIP, COMMITMENT, RENT, UNEMPLOYMENT!
Scary words. Anyway, the article had all the fancy quotes. “Data is the new oil”, “You are the product”, “Google needs to pay”. So here’s the deal. We know all these companies are profiting off of everyone who browses the internet. They study people’s online activity and make calculated assumptions. Assumptions, that other companies are willing to pay big money for. It helps them sell their products better. For example, if you search for a kitchen knife online, google tells its friend, amazon, that someone’s in the mood for some cooking. Amazon quickly sends you a mail about all that sexy kitchenware it has to offer. That’s right. All those condom ads on YouTube, appear for a reason.
It’s not just marketing. Companies study behavioural patterns. Entertainment companies want to know which parts of a movie excites you the most, so that they can make better movies. So, all this is fine. We already know that this is happening. What intrigues me is that the author went on to say that these companies need to start paying people for the data they collect. So that means, Google has to pay me for allowing it to study my interest in 90s cartoons.
I don’t know how I feel about that. It’s like getting paid for giving up privacy.
For no reason, here’s some music.
Today I stumbled upon something called Foie gras on the internet.
Wikipedia defines it as-
A luxury food product made of the liver of a duck or goose that has been especially fattened. By French law, foie gras is defined as the liver of a duck or goose fattened by force-feeding corn with a feeding tube, a process also known as gavage.
Here’s one more reason why we humans are still classified as “animals” rather than something progressive like “The engineers” or “The centurions”. I mean, I love meat but common man! What’s next? Camel dick? If any Foie gras lover finds this post offensive, consider this an open invitation to email me your place of choice to meetup. I will fight you. Wait a second, for a moment I thought this was Reddit. Sorry for the aggressive behaviour.
Three days is not a long time if you think about it
But three days is what I’ve been through
Three days, I cannot forget
Three days, they haunt me, they keep me awake at night
Like a weight on my chest, three days pull me down
Three days, I wept without hope
Three days, I could not cope
Three days is a nightmare, get it out of my head
Three days is what made me fall
Three days is all it takes to loose it all
The inspiration for writing this poem came from loosing internet connectivity for three days. Tragic events like these tend to pull us down heavily. But it is our job to pull ourselves back up. For more poems based on loss and depression checkout, “Goodbye, Xbox” and “HR dept., a house of lies” by Curiosity.
*The author shall not be held responsible for trauma/heartache