Two friends from Kerala came to visit. Today will be my last day with them, and it’s going to be sad. When people from your home town visit you, it’s like they bring a little piece of home to you, and when it goes away it’s painful. You’re so glad they’re here. You love showing them around, but when they leave, it’s heartbreaking. So today I will be getting drunk. Fuck the meds. It’s so good to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with two amazing people. I consider myself very lucky to have them. Imagine listening to a Toto song and dining with your best mates. That’s what it feels like. Pure bliss. For the last day of the tour, we will be covering Belur Math, Dakshineshwar Temple and if possible, the botanical garden. Three big places, with a lot to see. I am already feeling spiritual. The power of meditation within me rises. I feel the need, the need for speed. Let’s Top Gun this.
Friends
First try
Yesterday, while jamming with the band I got up from the throne(kudos to the person who named the drum-seat), walked up to the mic and announced that I was not gay. Suddenly everything stopped. People stopped talking to each other, the music stopped playing, (oh I almost forgot) the clock stopped ticking. Then a girl burst out laughing. In my mind I went, “Woohoo! This is my calling. Stand-up comedy, here I come”.
Local adventures
Two years have gone by since I moved to Kolkata. Life’s been great so far. However, whenever I get too happy my phone does a good job of reminding me that I have zero friends outside of work. So I did what anyone else would do in these situations. Drum roll… ta da! I turned to religion.
Last Sunday morning I decided to go to church. Thought I would go see what our friendly church-goers are up to. I was expecting to see a lot of the “lets all stare at the new guy to make him super uncomfortable” routine. To my surprise, no one gave a shit and it felt great. That was until halfway through mass. I noticed a lady wearing cargo shorts staring at me. She looked at me and smiled. Then I did the unthinkable. I looked right back at her and without any hesitation gave her a super wide smile. There were no negative thoughts like “Is she super religious? Should I go talk to her? Will she kill me after mass?”. All that was going on in my mind was,” Fuck yes! I did it! Finally accepted by society. That’s all that matters. It’s all uphill from here”.
I was walking back home when I was stopped by (you guessed it) lady in the cargo shorts. After an initial “Hi I saw you at church” introduction, began a questioning spree “Where are you from? You don’t look like you’re from here. Where do you stay? Do you like it here? Do you have some cash on you?”.
Why do you mock me universe? Why?
I am not good at talking to people and its okay…sort of
I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. I am talking about casual talk. I can’t hold a conversation for more than a few minutes. Either one of us gets bored quickly and the conversation fades. I’ve been trying to fix this for a long time. I tried to fix it only because I wanted to feel normal. What’s weird is that I never realized that I am not good at talking to people until now. Up until now I never had to put in effort to make friends. They came in plenty at school! I am in my late 20s now. I am still close friends with my college mates. However, now we live in different parts of the world and that fucking sucks.
For the past few months, I’ve been forcing myself to start conversations with random strangers. Funny thing is that it worked. Almost everyone I talked to responded very well. It is what happened afterwards that I didn’t like. I quickly got bored of the talking. So I modified my approach. I blurted out only the important things and then I walked away. Ha ha. Weird and proud!
I’ve stopped trying so hard because I found out that deep down, I don’t really care. I’ve realized that I enjoy being alone, doing things only I like. I keep myself company. Going to watch movies alone has opened up a whole new world for me. I now immerse myself in the movie. I don’t have to worry about weather the other person likes the movie or not. You might think that I am trying to fill the void in my life by doing all of this but no. I know what its like to be with someone. I know what its like to be with a group of friends. It doesn’t quite work for me anymore. Then why blog about it? Well, its because I am not entirely sure if what I am feeling is right. Initially the title of this post was “I am not good at talking to people and its okay”.
Listen to this!
Why do some people force others to listen to their music? I am looking at YOU, inconsiderate person who drives around blasting out noise with the windows rolled down. However, I am curious about this urge. I can even understand it to an extent. Some songs make some people feel good. So all that these people are trying to do is to make others feel good too! However, there are also people who do it just to annoy others. Annoying others makes them feel good! I love it when someone likes my music. When I was a kid, me and my friends listened to the same kind of music. Then one day, I heard a song that was so good, it blew my mind. I couldn’t wait to show it to my friends. One day I was hanging out with a few friends. I set the song up on a nice stereo. With a lot of excitement, I pressed play. They were busy talking to each other. I was eagerly waiting for them to stop abruptly and say “holy shit! That sounds so awesome!”. Surprisingly, none of that happened and they continued talking to each other until I asked for an opinion on the song. They were like, “meh”. I realised something that day. I liked something that was different. That genre of music did not please others very well. It was hard to find others who like it. If anyone’s curious, this was that song:
So good! And I totally get why they didn’t like it. Linkin Park had already started to occupy their minds!
Anyway, it took me a while to stop forcing people to listen to my songs. I was living in a bubble. I know now that everyone has their own interests and are passionate about them.
I don’t fit in
I don’t fit it in anywhere. Literally. Not even in a shared cab :-). Everyone’s fine all crammed in until I try to fit in. They have that feeling of disgust on their face like I just sat on their face. You know what the worst part is? I have an average size body! I am not even that tall. Maybe its the way I sit I guess!.
I don’t fit in at work. Sure, I have some good friends there but when it comes to working together with someone, I suck. I either tend to be too nice, making others feel too comfortable and take advantage of me or I become too aggressive and end up making a fool of myself (either way, it usually ends up with me getting very aggressive). So the “team player” part of my resume is a blatant lie :-).
I don’t fit in with friend groups. I’ve noticed that whenever I get introduced to a group of friends, there’s someone who immediately hates me for some reason. The others lose interest slowly. Eventually, the person who introduced me regrets doing it.
I don’t fit in with a band. I get the chance to play because I kinda play well. All the jamming sessions go very well but when it comes to hanging out with the band, I again get left out.
I don’t fit in with my family. What can I say? Its like mom, sis and I actually like to argue with each other. We are better off texting each other. I like having the extended family over for parties. We have a little fun but eventually I get left out there too. Its a little weird when the host gets left out!
I don’t fit in AT ALL in relationships :-). I don’t think this one needs much explanation.
I know its no one’s fault but mine. On the bright side, I think I would be a perfect candidate for a one-way trip to outer space. Solo mission only please!
So I talked to the universe yesterday
First of all, I would like to apologize to all those of you who clicked the play button thinking its a video. Oh! The agony! Its a screenshot of a video. Make no mistake. I have not used any filter or special effects. Apparently this is what happens when a stage light beams directly onto your camera lens. Interestingly, the picture sort of portrays my emotions at the time. I was having fun. The picture was taken at a concert. So what does the universe have to do with this?
Well, as I have mentioned in my previous posts, the universe speaks to me in mysterious ways. This time, it was through one of my all time favourite drummers, my man, Marco Minnemann. Shortly after this picture was taken, I managed to tiptoe through all hulk-bodied security guys to talk face to face with this legend. He was awesome. He was the reason why I attended the concert. It was an extraordinary experience.
Something even more extraordinary happened that day. I made friends. My dear friends, that bright light in the picture is the universe whispering to me, “Look around you. These are all people you could be friends with. I have literally brought them all together in the same spot. Don’t fuck it up”.
Friendship Update
Its been a while since I published the post about ‘friends’. Thank you to all the wonderful people who took time to give their opinions on it. I am very excited and happy to post an update regarding my progress in the ‘fine art’ of making friends. Here’s the short version: I still don’t have friends 🙂
But I’ve come a long way, learned many things, travelled quite a bit and met a few amazing people. I’ve matured as a person. I have realized the faults in my lifestyle and……oh what the hell. Why am I even writing this? Everything’s still the same except I have started to go out more, spend more time doing things I like(attending concerts, stand-up comedy shows, movies). My longing for friends had once peaked to such an extent that I had started to speak with random people on the road. Yes. Complete random strangers whose appearance made me feel like they were good people. What a great idea it was! The first few attempts went horribly wrong but guess what? It finally worked! I even met a dude who almost ended up doing some business with the company I work at. Unfortunately the contract got scraped due to budget issues but we’re still friends. I also met someone who introduced me to more people and now I hangout with them almost every weekend. I’m also trying to form a band. All this would make my introduction to this post seem very misleading but it is true. I hangout with these people so that I don’t feel bored. They are good friends but I still don’t have close friends(the type of people who you could discuss your problems with). But I am happy with what I have and I am still on the lookout for friends(unlucky people, offering them the chance of a lifetime to be my friend 🙂 ).
Moreover, I am so happy now that I have a platform to write all this nonsense. Thanks to anonymous blogging, I can say whatever crap I want. But lately I’ve been noticing these people called ‘followers’ on my blog. Are they my friends? Who are they and why would they want to do such a thing? :-). So now it feels like I am not so anonymous after all! Feels a little uncomfortable but you people are still the best!
Here’s some ‘feel good’ metal for you!
Friends
Friends- The best thing that can happen to anyone. Any problem in life is made easy with them. My friend circle is very small. So, moving far away from home has resulted in me getting completely cut off from them.
Like any normal person would, I prefer like- minded people. In my case, that seems to be a little too much to ask for because(how do I make this non-cringe worthy?) my type doesn’t come in plenty! So now I’ve broadened the approach. I try to talk to whoever comes my way. This has resulted in many awkward conversations, sometimes giving off wrong signals and even turning flirtatious. I wish there was an easy way to do this. There are apps to do this sort of thing but I’m terrified to use them.
I realise now that I had been taking friends for granted. They came in plenty at school! You didn’t have to put any work into it! There were so many people around me that I had the luxury to choose people. But now, things are different. I have to work hard to make good friends. I have to, dare I say it, ‘be outgoing’. The funny thing is that I never meet good friends this way. I meet interesting people only in interesting ways! It usually happens by coincidence. It’s like the universe sends them to me. Since the universe has been awful quiet lately, I am forced to find friends on my own. I never realised it would be so hard. I am forced to make myself appealing to get to talk to people. I know that there is a natural tendency for people to want to hang out with other happy people. I have also heard that successful people hagout with other successful people. I interpret it as ‘smart people prefer to keep their smartness fresh by hanging out with other smart people’ which is probably ignorant but hey! I don’t differentiate them when they seek my friendship!. Unfortunately, I tend to repel successful people very quickly!
I am now at a point in my life where I could really use a few good friends. I am not a total introvert who does not talk to anyone. I have a few friends at work. I very rarely get to hangout with them outside the office. My friends from college are my closest. I was the happiest person in the world when a few of them came to visit me. I had the best time of my life.
I like watching talk shows on YouTube. Apart from the top ones, I also like those types where common people get together and talk about day-to-day problems that everyone face. Its even more awesome if they are funny and are also friends with each other. This leads me to think that my longing to have a group of friends has peaked to such a level that I like to watch people on YouTube have a good time! One positive thing that has come out of not having any friends is that my imagination is running wild. You know it is time to make friends as soon as possible when you start to imagine having conversations with imaginary people!
So here’s the thing about me that is really messed up: There actually was a point in my life not too long ago when I had a good number of friends. I enjoyed their company very much. However,as we hung out more and more, I started to get sick of them. I wanted to go back to my lonely miserable condition. I am not sure if it had anything to do with the group that I hung out with but I really felt bad about it. I thought something was wrong with me. I was literally hunting for friends the whole time and when I finally had what I wanted, I wanted to get rid of them. It is really hard to describe the feeling of not wanting too many friends. But that is not even the worst part. I actually wanted to be ALONE at that point. The people who I hung out with had not done anything to upset me. Its just weird.
Happiness is travelling
Like a light in the darkness, a few friends came to visit me. I showed them around but I was the one discovering the joys of travelling. I never knew there was so much to see right where I lived!
Random Thought Beam 