wordpress

5 year anniversary

I’ve been blogging for five years, so I thought I’ll write something for WordPress.

You have been something. I don’t know what it is, but you definitely have been something, a big part of my life. Opening up to people is a nightmare, and you filled in that gap nicely. You have been part of my doom and gloom, helping me encapsulate all that negativity into a neat little ball, and leave it there for safekeeping.

I have grown. As you can see, I have now begun writing letters to inanimate objects.

Mind-full-ness

Isn’t it ironic that meditation is about mindfulness, and not about mindlessness? To achieve mindfulness, your mind has to be devoid of all thoughts which is essentially mindlessness. If a mind does not have any thoughts, space and time ceases to exist. There is no clarity because there is nothing to be clear. There is nothingness. You are safe. Everything else becomes unimportant, unless a naked man walks into your apartment, and chokes you to death.

If WordPress were alive

It would be really embarrassing because I have written some fucked up shit on here. Things, I haven’t told anyone. But if WordPress does come alive, I would imagine it to be like that movie Her. There would be this artificial intelligence that has a collective understanding of human behavior that it gained from reading all the blogs in the world. It would know people’s deepest darkest secrets. I’d like to call it John, because John’s a nice name, easy to say, reminds me of Jam for some reason. 

So, instead of writing a blog, it would be like talking to a person, a therapist maybe, and this program would then assimilate all that data, process it, and let some other blogger ‘experience it’ rather than ‘read it’. It could be a thing, you know. I know Porn would get a new lease of life, but I feel like this would help loners like myself interact with the world, you know? Imagine sitting under a tree, on top of a hill, where there’s nothing but the sound of wind and leaves, and you are realizing what it’s like to be in one of those listening bars in Japan, or one of the oldest bakeries in Kolkata, or even Marie Curie’s tomb, if you’re into that shit.

How I met your brother

I don’t know why I wrote that title.

All of a sudden, now there are ‘blocks’ on WordPress. People are trying to fight climate change, and WordPress decided to add ‘blocks’ to their menu. I was thinking to write some relationship advice (being the love machine that I am, I felt like the world needed some encouragement), but nope. Gonna destroy WordPress with a heartfelt fuck-you letter.

Block 3: I imagine the CEO of wordpress to be a woman in her late 40s. Her office is in a library, surrounded by porno mags. She has an ashtray, but there’s juice in the ash tray, and she yells at her assistant for putting juice inside the ashtray, but she says she doesn’t know how the juice got there, and then they all look up and see Spiderman on the ceiling reading a paper, like, an actual thesis on how the black widow spider manufactures lethal juice.

I wish to formally apologise to Google blogs for abandoning them. Nobody read my blog, but it was a pleasure to write on that white screen. My only follower was a truck driver, and she motivated me to write on a daily basis. Then one fine day, big brother WordPress showed up in the form a Youtube advert (ironic) , and before you know it, I was writing motivational posts on WordPress after deleting the Google blog because I was embarrassed about the stuff I wrote on there. And you know what? All of a sudden, the title makes sense now. I’ve gone full circle with this one.

I gave in to Chrome

The good news is that the “Chrome” I’m referring to is not a nickname for drugs. I’m referring to the internet browser. I used to be the kid with all the cool apps. One app to view YouTube videos, another app to download them, yet another app to rip the audio from them. Not anymore. Big boy loves simplicity now. I don’t like clutter on any of my devices(this is really starting to sound like a Google ad). I use Edge on my PC. That’s it. Not Chrome, not Mozilla, just Edge. Boring, old, simple, Edge. I use Chrome on my phone, not Edge, and definitely not that Opera shit(faster, safer, my ass). Am I living in my own bubble by doing this? Nah. I don’t think so. I’m just happy with stock apps.
Unfortunately, that all changed today. I had it with Edge. It was giving me so much trouble, that I just had to install Chrome. Here’s the problem with Edge. I run into problems when I visit some questionable websites, namely WordPress(Ah! The irony, or some shit like that). To name a few:

  1. The font would turn red. This is not a joke. The fucking font on WordPress would turn red, and stay that way until I restart the browser. Talk about some bloody mysterious shit.
  2. Browsing WordPress would use up all of my computer’s memory. That’s right. Reading blogs about social anxiety would use up 8 gigs of RAM. I can’t afford a therapist for my laptop.
  3. Typing words at the end of a sentence would replace words at the beginning of the sentence. Look, I realize I’m coming off pretty delusional right now. I realize that. But this shit actually happens to me. Me! Out of all the great writers on WordPress, the internet-demons chose to fuck with me. I’m not a writer. I don’t even read books. The last time I tried reading a novel, I forgot what it was about, halfway into the book. So I decided to fuck it and watch the movie instead. Having said that, I now have a whole new level of appreciation for books. That shit really hits the heart. I still hate them though.

How to gain followers and get more likes

Write better posts

Just kidding

Travel to Kolkata. Go to the ‘New Embassy’ hotel at Elgin. Do not be afraid of the eerie atmosphere or the lack of electronic payment options or the motionless manager. Order dry garlic pork. Eat it. Enjoy it. Bathe in it. When the waiter comes over with the bill, start chanting the ‘whispers of the lost arts’

“I wish Christopher Nolan made one more Batman movie”

“I wish Christopher Nolan made one more Batman movie”

“I wish Christopher Nolan made one more Batman movie”

A one-eyed pony will meet you in the restroom. Explain to it your views on passive euthanasia. Depending on your views, the pony will gift you ‘Kalanick’s 10100’ card which you can use to buy wordpress premium. Publish a post titled ‘Planned obsolescence’ and watch the likes soar.