blog

Idols

I learned to meditate from a Yoga teacher who was so slim, you barely noticed he was there. And he would say things like “breathe in breathe out” in a voice that he thought was soothing, but actually sounded like cats fighting. He would always push me to do more, to be better, to start a family, but then one day I met him outside of school, at a restaurant and I wished him good morning at around 6 pm. He never spoke to me since.

Scientific proof for why Wednesday is the worst day of the week

Wednesday is the day you realize you’ve still got half a week to go

Wednesday is the day you realize that it’s one whole day away from Thursday (best day of the week)

Wednesday is the day when your friends have something better to do

Wednesday is the day when you call your partner out of obligation, yet you have nothing to say

Wednesday is the day when Domino’s gives you one free pizza. Pizza is good, but health is bad.

Wednesday is the day your manager remembers something you forgot to do on Monday.

Wednesday is the name of a cute little devil girl from the Addams family

Wednesday is a word babies have a tough time pronouncing

Nothing good ever happens on a Wednesday

When it’s Wednesday, you have to wait two whole days for the weekend to come

On Tuesday nights, you get nightmares of Wednesday

Wednesday is the day you feel too tired to work out

Wednesday is the day you planned to get a haircut, but your sister fell from a stool

No TV shows are released on a Wednesday

All banks are open on a Wednesday

Fried rice isn’t cooked well on a Wednesday

Children coming home from school don’t smile on a Wednesday

Waterparks are empty on a Wednesday

Ice cream melts faster on a Wednesday

Trousers shrink on Wednesdays

Honesty

Today, I would like to speak about honesty. Be honest to people. Look them in their face. Don’t fall into their lies. Pick them up and throw them on to the pillows of truth. Tell people how ugly they are. Tell people how much better off they could have been. Tell people how ugly their pants look. Give it to them. Saw a disgusting haircut? Don’t hold it in. Let it out. Point them out on the street, look into their eyes and bark at them, it adds to the animosity and the beautiful toxic masculinity. Tell people how poor they are. Tell your mother… no you can’t blame your mother, she’s a cutie. Tell your dad however, what a dick he is. Tell your brother what a disappointment he is. Tell your girlfriend to stop whining all the time. Live life in peace. Throw out all the negativity.

Once again, I would like to remind people that this is a comedy blog. I say dumb things. Please don’t do it. Hug your parents.

Exchange

This is the elaborate packaging my laptop’s battery came in. I would be surprised if my own coffin had so much padding. My computer is over 10 years old. It has seen and heard so many things. It has been through a master’s course and 7 years of my first job, and it has not had one bit of jizz fall on it, ever. I am proud of myself for that. It has been through battle. It was attacked by a family member, and ended up with a shattered screen. It once flew out of my hand when the car hit the breaks. Ended up with a mother board failure. The doctors were always able to bring it back to life somehow. But now, it’s different. I see the early signs of Parkinson’s. It also doesn’t have a battery. So today I went to the electronics market, and there I saw hundreds of guys and girls deeply engrossed on their phones. It was like they couldn’t,t believe what was on the screen. Customers weren’t a concern to these people. They shooed them sway like flies. Some of them even refused to hear what I had to say. Then finally, a beautifully middle aged man and his twin brother dug out an ancient battery. It was sealed, and in pristine condition. So now’s my chance. The great Indian sale is going on and papa is going to score a computer. This old fella will be exchanged for a descent 9000 Rs.

Gift of nature

The Guava, or as I like to call it, the round banana, is a magical, spherical fruit. Green, the most natural color you can think of, is all painted all around this masterpiece. There is no other fruit that tastes like a Guava. It’s unique blend of tangy, fleshy, sweet taste is a treat in itself. A guava can be a great meal. Ever tried it with salt and chili? Ever tried Guava juice with salt and chili? Ever tried just salt and chili? Ever tried biting just the tip of the chili? It gives you the flavor, without the heat. I was once at a party that I was not invited to, and they kept serving these drinks that had salt and chili powder smeared onto the rim of the glass. I couldn’t stop drinking it until I looked like a pregnant woman. It was so good! Here’s another superpower of the Guava. Beautiful shits. Loose, and satisfying. You can plant a Guava tree in your backyard right now. Give it some time and before you even know it, your dog would have destroyed it. Here’s the only bad thing, the seed. I know, I know, it’s how science works, it’s the circle of life, blah blah, but you gotta admit, the seeds are a little annoying. They are tiny enough to get lodged in the gaps in between your teeth. Speaking of eating seeds, ever wondered why they don’t sprout in the stomach? Neither did I.

It is highly likely that I have now completed 50% of my lifespan, maybe even higher. It is safe to say that half my life is over. This is usually the time period when great people have a change of heart, or maybe they make life-changing decisions. I spend more time choosing a toothbrush. The closest I’ve come to making any major decision is to start taking psychiatric treatment. Yesterday my blood work came in, and it doesn’t look good. I’m not dying by any means but the Cholesterol is not looking great.

Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, it felt okay to socialize. I talked to a variety of people ranging from addicts to even a priest. I was having a good time. The depression comes back when I reach home, but I am feeling hopeful. For one thing, I have chosen to take the path to mental recovery. I just hope my body can keep up.

It takes a lot of energy to think. It takes just as much energy to think as much as a workout. It’s a muscle too, just like the dick, and it’s one of the main reasons why I haven’t done much thinking for the past five years. When I was a kid I did a lot of thinking. I used to think like, did I do the right thing? Was the principle of it right? What is the actual root of the problem? How else would it have played out? It’s like there was lot of free space in the head, to think. Now, it’s mostly medication, depression, worrying about the future, meditation, trying to find peace, no jerking off, aggressively defending myself from bullies, and Youtube.

The ATM

Why are companies trying to push their editing software on us? There’s grammarly, wordpress, now even Microsoft is in the game. Every now and then I get a notification saying “get Microsoft editor for free and write like a pro on the web”. Let me tell you something Microsoft, I AM a pro on the web. I don’t need you to correct my spelling or grammar. It’s what makes me think and be creative. If you take that away, then I lose my uniqueness. I will make errrors. I will mess up speling. Actually, I don’t mind you fixing the spelling. Keep doing that.

There’s an ATM machine that I walk by everyday from work, and I see water leaking from it everyday. Then I noticed it was coming from the windows. There was so much condensation on there, it looked like a waterfall. I think the AC is set to “oh shit”. Let me tell you the climate of Kolkata. It’s tropical. Humid, rainy, hot, not that great. Now imagine walking into a freezer. From 30 degrees straight to maybe 10. I see people walking in and out of there very quickly, like unusually fast. Is this some kind of ploy to get people out quickly? Also whatever happened to the security guards at these things? Frozen? Does the cash-refill team now have to do everything by themselves? It does look like the start of an action movie whenever those guys arrive. A van parks close and people who look like a SWAT team come out with guns, and everything is a hush hush operation. It’s difficult to say if the ATM is being robbed or replenished.

When people wearing glasses enter this ATM, they come out blind. It looks like dead people walking out of a freezer. This has been going on for maybe a week? I could just call the bank, but this is so much fun. This is not the first time this ATM has done strange things. One day, I walked in and I swear to God, a voice from above said “please take your mask off” in Malayalam. IN MALAYALAM! A language that is spoken thousands of kilometers away (kilometers and kilometers), literally on the other side of the country. That lady had no business speaking in Malayalam here. Granted, it was a recorded message, but the odds of me (a native Malayalam speaker) being asked to take my mask off, when all this while they’ve been asking us to keep it on, is quite astounding. And yes, at first I did go to the extent of thinking they scanned my face, worked out my ethnicity, and spoke to me in my native language, whereas it could have been just a simple programming error. I don’t know why I think these things.

Eat sleep repeat

I saw two ants walk by on the puddle-filled walk way back from work. If I had stepped on either one of the two, it would mean their death, but how significant would that death be? To the other ant, might be a great loss, but to the other clueless people walking by it’s not a big deal. Then I reached the exit gate, and lo and behold I see people walking back home from work. Tired, sweating, one behind the other in a line, just like the ants.

New things on YouTube

Some of the things YouTube has been suggesting me as of late is “bikini try-on videos (makes a lot of sense) a ton of podcasts, and “Van life”. And all of a sudden, living in a van is the most economical/smart/adventurous way to live. People who live in regular homes, go kill yourself cos Vanlife brings you closer to nature. It teaches you how to sleep in parking lots, and how to ask your mom for money. Also, it always has to be done solo. The moment you bring in a boyfriend, people stop watching your videos. Even mentioning the fact that you have a partner will make you lose subscribers because all the world wants is companionship. No one wants to hear about your lovey dovey life. That’s what most of us are trying to escape from. Just keep wearing short shorts and do yoga or something.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s me doing a character or do I actually believe the stuff that I am writing. Either way, have a wonderful day.