Songs from the heart

This is a song I sing when I feel sad and lonely, and I feel like there is no direction in my life. It cheers me up.

I am not a history teacher

I am not a history teacher

I feel good about my life

Because I don’t have to teach history

My life is not miserable

Eating more vegetables

I like to keep it fit ta da dum…(sexy female voices in the background)

(Tune change)

For life is sha la la la la

La la la, in the evening

(return to original)

The funny thing about history

is that it is a mystery

Why? listen carefully

We never learn from the past

No matter we always come last

There’s no sign of improvement

So go to your dad, and make a surpriseeeeeeeeeeee

I am not a history teacher

Poetry from the heart

Carlos Santana

Wears a bandana

Eats a banana

Named his daughter Anna

Bulk

I bought 5 litres of hand sanitizer. It made perfect sense at the time. The last time I made a mistake like this was when I bought 10kg of flour. Three weeks later a tiny ecosystem emerged from the bag. Some of it looked alien. Here’s the problem with buying in bulk, there’s always a price vs panic dilemma. Too much of anything is bad, but a lot of something is good. Today has been a Saturday of contemplation. My only friend here ditched me for a trip to the hills. I came straight home from work, bought a large pack of fruitopies, and I am now deep in thought, about my life, my experiences and my wishes. The next half of my life will have to be a planned one. There’s no escaping it.

Shocking news

I have a mini-nipple. This is true. There is no embellishment here. These are the facts. To the side of the main nipple (or the primary nipple, as I like to call it), very close by, is a miniature sized nipple, and get this, ready for the shocker? It’s there on both the nipples. I always knew I was special. I have to call my mom, girlfriend, everybody. This is amazing news.

Idols

I learned to meditate from a Yoga teacher who was so slim, you barely noticed he was there. And he would say things like “breathe in breathe out” in a voice that he thought was soothing, but actually sounded like cats fighting. He would always push me to do more, to be better, to start a family, but then one day I met him outside of school, at a restaurant and I wished him good morning at around 6 pm. He never spoke to me since.

Scientific proof for why Wednesday is the worst day of the week

Wednesday is the day you realize you’ve still got half a week to go

Wednesday is the day you realize that it’s one whole day away from Thursday (best day of the week)

Wednesday is the day when your friends have something better to do

Wednesday is the day when you call your partner out of obligation, yet you have nothing to say

Wednesday is the day when Domino’s gives you one free pizza. Pizza is good, but health is bad.

Wednesday is the day your manager remembers something you forgot to do on Monday.

Wednesday is the name of a cute little devil girl from the Addams family

Wednesday is a word babies have a tough time pronouncing

Nothing good ever happens on a Wednesday

When it’s Wednesday, you have to wait two whole days for the weekend to come

On Tuesday nights, you get nightmares of Wednesday

Wednesday is the day you feel too tired to work out

Wednesday is the day you planned to get a haircut, but your sister fell from a stool

No TV shows are released on a Wednesday

All banks are open on a Wednesday

Fried rice isn’t cooked well on a Wednesday

Children coming home from school don’t smile on a Wednesday

Waterparks are empty on a Wednesday

Ice cream melts faster on a Wednesday

Trousers shrink on Wednesdays

Honesty

Today, I would like to speak about honesty. Be honest to people. Look them in their face. Don’t fall into their lies. Pick them up and throw them on to the pillows of truth. Tell people how ugly they are. Tell people how much better off they could have been. Tell people how ugly their pants look. Give it to them. Saw a disgusting haircut? Don’t hold it in. Let it out. Point them out on the street, look into their eyes and bark at them, it adds to the animosity and the beautiful toxic masculinity. Tell people how poor they are. Tell your mother… no you can’t blame your mother, she’s a cutie. Tell your dad however, what a dick he is. Tell your brother what a disappointment he is. Tell your girlfriend to stop whining all the time. Live life in peace. Throw out all the negativity.

Once again, I would like to remind people that this is a comedy blog. I say dumb things. Please don’t do it. Hug your parents.

Exchange

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This is the elaborate packaging my laptop’s battery came in. I would be surprised if my own coffin had so much padding. My computer is over 10 years old. It has seen and heard so many things. It has been through a master’s course and 7 years of my first job, and it has not had one bit of jizz fall on it, ever. I am proud of myself for that. It has been through battle. It was attacked by a family member, and ended up with a shattered screen. It once flew out of my hand when the car hit the breaks. Ended up with a mother board failure. The doctors were always able to bring it back to life somehow. But now, it’s different. I see the early signs of Parkinson’s. It also doesn’t have a battery. So today I went to the electronics market, and there I saw hundreds of guys and girls deeply engrossed on their phones. It was like they couldn’t,t believe what was on the screen. Customers weren’t a concern to these people. They shooed them sway like flies. Some of them even refused to hear what I had to say. Then finally, a beautifully middle aged man and his twin brother dug out an ancient battery. It was sealed, and in pristine condition. So now’s my chance. The great Indian sale is going on and papa is going to score a computer. This old fella will be exchanged for a descent 9000 Rs.

Gift of nature

The Guava, or as I like to call it, the round banana, is a magical, spherical fruit. Green, the most natural color you can think of, is all painted all around this masterpiece. There is no other fruit that tastes like a Guava. It’s unique blend of tangy, fleshy, sweet taste is a treat in itself. A guava can be a great meal. Ever tried it with salt and chili? Ever tried Guava juice with salt and chili? Ever tried just salt and chili? Ever tried biting just the tip of the chili? It gives you the flavor, without the heat. I was once at a party that I was not invited to, and they kept serving these drinks that had salt and chili powder smeared onto the rim of the glass. I couldn’t stop drinking it until I looked like a pregnant woman. It was so good! Here’s another superpower of the Guava. Beautiful shits. Loose, and satisfying. You can plant a Guava tree in your backyard right now. Give it some time and before you even know it, your dog would have destroyed it. Here’s the only bad thing, the seed. I know, I know, it’s how science works, it’s the circle of life, blah blah, but you gotta admit, the seeds are a little annoying. They are tiny enough to get lodged in the gaps in between your teeth. Speaking of eating seeds, ever wondered why they don’t sprout in the stomach? Neither did I.

It is highly likely that I have now completed 50% of my lifespan, maybe even higher. It is safe to say that half my life is over. This is usually the time period when great people have a change of heart, or maybe they make life-changing decisions. I spend more time choosing a toothbrush. The closest I’ve come to making any major decision is to start taking psychiatric treatment. Yesterday my blood work came in, and it doesn’t look good. I’m not dying by any means but the Cholesterol is not looking great.

Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, it felt okay to socialize. I talked to a variety of people ranging from addicts to even a priest. I was having a good time. The depression comes back when I reach home, but I am feeling hopeful. For one thing, I have chosen to take the path to mental recovery. I just hope my body can keep up.