I have nothing to do, so might as well throw out a few things that my mother blatantly refuses to believe every time she hears me say

  1. I cooked the greatest meal mankind has ever seen
  2. I don’t have a girlfriend
  3. I was taking a shower when you called
  4. It was the scariest horror movie I’ve ever seen
  5. I am at home
  6. I tried calling you
  7. I know how we are related to the person you are talking about

Congratulations, mother

I wrote this yesterday night while I was drunk. I forgot to post it.

Sometime during my high school days, my mother slapped me on my face. It was a memorable event. It was one of those, “head-spinning, birds chirping” kind of slaps that I will never forget. I remember thinking, “holy shit, does she work-out secretly?”. I also remember why she did it. It was because I was being a brat about the quality of dinner that she had been giving me for the past few days. What I didn’t think through was that she was a single mom, taking care of me, my grandparents and my pet dog. Funny thing is, immediately after I got slapped, I heard dad’s voice. “Treat her like a queen”, those were his last words to me. It was kind of frightening, the way he said it. It was as if he would haunt me in my sleep if I did otherwise. 

Mom, I don’t think I’ve ever hurt you but I also know that I haven’t been much of a good “son” either. I know you would like to talk to me everyday even if there was nothing to say. Unfortunately, I suck at “conversations”. I am working on it. I know you are worried about why I don’t have a girlfriend. I know you are worried about why I don’t have any friends 🙂 . It’s so cute how every time I tell you I went for a movie, you ask “so did you watch it with anyone?”. And every time I tell you I went alone, I can hear you sigh silently. Makes me laugh every time. Funny thing is that you are never ever going to read this post. You don’t know I have a blog. I am only writing this because I’m drunk. I’ll probably delete this once I am sober. But for the limited amount of time this post is live, I want you to know that the you are a wonderful human being and you have done a great job raising your kids(I know I turned out fine. The other one, not so much. I think she’s a little messed up in the head. But she’s cool).

How to ask your mom for money


Start the engine. Begin by sounding happy(If you’re like me, you wouldn’t have talked to her for a long time. So sound apologetic. How to sound happy and apologetic at the same time you ask? I don’t know. Fuckin figure it the out. Hit the accelerator. Then talk about something nice, like how fast your nephew is growing up. Switch gears. Talk about your plans to get a new job or study something new. Hit the breaks. Tell her you are going through a bad time. Switch off the engine. Tell her you need money. Put it in neutral. Explain why you need it. Push it down a cliff. Start crying. 

Or you could cut the theatrics and tell her what’s up. Saves a lot of time and energy.

I know. It’s a fucking disgrace. Nobody likes to do it. It’s not the right thing to do. You might even have to hear about it for a year. But some of us have to. I had to ask my mom for money last year. Lucky for me, I needed the money to go home. I usually plan stuff out but this time something unexpected came up and I had to make the trip. She wanted to see me anyways. So I didn’t even have to beg. Once I got back, I thought to myself,” What do I do now? Do I give it back? She’ll never accept it. How about I turn it into a situation where I ‘NEVER’ have to ask for it again?. That sounds good”. Sounds corny but I definitely do not wish to be in that situation again and I never will be.

Pro-tip: If you do end up begging your mom for money, don’t harass her. After all, she gave birth to your sorry ass and that looser sibling of yours, which brings me to the next segment of this post:

How to ask your sister for money.

Harass her