You know what’s the grossest thing in the world? To watch someone aggressively lick their fingers after a meal, as if they are not going to have any trouble resorting to cannibalism, when the need arises. However, given the present circumstances, and the utmost care we are taking with regard to personal hygiene, I would like to propose an amendment to the laws of culinary art.
Dynamic Etiquette Management (DEM)
As you all know, Etiquettes are gay. So you need to assess the present situation, and modify your approach. For example, I’ve begun to lick my fingers (within the confines of my home). Not just the thumb, the whole bunch. If I am cooking it, I’m licking it.
Pro-tip on how to improve the quality of your cooking:
Starve. Everything tastes better.
Do you know how to make a pure-vegetarian dish taste even better?
Add a little bit of meat
I get hungry exactly 3 hours after a meal.
If you snap your fingers constantly, they will break. The skin will tear.
I have reached that stage of isolation where I have begun to notice objects move. Right before I switch on the lights, I see flashes of mysterious figures floating in the air.
In other news, child marriages are on the rise. What a nice way to spice up the pandy, isn’t it? If you’re tired of stupid kids running around the house, causing chaos, why not destroy their entire lives? A few people in Northern Karnataka seem to think a Pandemic is the right time for carefully calculated, uneducated decisions.
You know what? Maybe it’s time to rethink the validity of the phrase, “adult supervision”.
When your kid starts getting attention in class, especially from the girls, don’t be all like “oh who’s that you’re talking to on the phone all the time Ryan? Is that your GIRLFRIEND?”, in your half-sarcastic/half-proud voice. If your kid’s a shy one, you’re basically obliterating any chances of him getting laid in high school. In some cultures, this might even be considered a win, but give this one some thought ladies.
There are times when I’ve felt the need to jack off to paintings done by Vincent van Gogh, but I chose not to because that’s not what a college education has taught me.
You know, it’s posts like these that make me look back and realize why I have 400+ followers, but zero readers. It’s 2020. People want quality. Posts need to make sense. Posts need to provide information. If there’s nothing new in a post, what’s the point in reading it? Might as well go jack off to a Vincent van Gogh painting.
I am a genius.
What happens when a unicorn passes out drunk, in front of an ailing post office?
Myth meets reality
A few months of being single, and a peaking of introvertedness led me to asking out a total stranger today. After being politely rejected, I retreated to my friends, where I made a vow never to ask a stranger out unless they are wearing a Donnie Darko t-shirt. To mitigate the amount of disgust I felt for myself, I bought a full bag of chocolates.