Diwali

Tis the season of lights, camera and action. Everyone has a bright smile on their face. Girls are wearing beautiful clothes. People stop hating noise all of a sudden. Roads turn into honking competitions. Now, I know what dreams are made of, but mine is different. A shock-collar for every driver. Every horn has a limit of one second. Beyond that, the driver gets a minor dose of electricity (Benjamin Franklin would be proud). As the time goes on, so does the intensity of electric current. What makes this interesting is that you will still find hardcore people who are willing to go through extreme pain to express their annoyance, but the joy it will bring me to see them suffer… I can’t explain it. It’s almost making me emotional. It’s like turning every vehicle into an ambulance with a built-in defibrillator. Genius. Happy Diwali every one!

Malware

What is Malware? It has got nothing to do with traditional Malayali attire. I know , I know. I was surprised too, but the internet begs to differ. Malware is short for Malicious Software. Ain’t that smart? They combined two words into one, out of which one’s bad, and the other one’s useful. Just like methlab. Depends on the way you look at it. I am in search of a good antivirus program to help protect my computer against malware. When it comes to protection who’s the real champion out there? McAfee? Durex? Kaspersky? Norton? It can’t be Norton.

New hobbies and discoveries

A new hobby of mine is rubbing the dry skin/dirt off of my groin, and smelling it before rolling it into a work of art, and flicking it. I feel like an athlete. I now completely understand why dogs smell the groin. There’s a lot to learn from the scent, however, your mind has to be in tune with nature to really understand what’s going on.

The air quality index on both my home and work computer says “polluted air” and it shows the picture of a brown leaf next to it. This could mean only one thing. It’s the AI’s way of telling us that if we keep doing this to the environment, there will be nothing but brown leaves left to wipe your ass with, unless you are into free-handing, like me.

My friends are coming to visit. I can’t wait to show them around. Mitra café, Belur Mutt, my haunted second bedroom, Saldhana bakery, Victoria Memorial, that place where I made out with a girl facing oncoming traffic, sweet shops, and old British-era buildings.

Songs from the heart

This is a song I sing when I feel sad and lonely, and I feel like there is no direction in my life. It cheers me up.

I am not a history teacher

I am not a history teacher

I feel good about my life

Because I don’t have to teach history

My life is not miserable

Eating more vegetables

I like to keep it fit ta da dum…(sexy female voices in the background)

(Tune change)

For life is sha la la la la

La la la, in the evening

(return to original)

The funny thing about history

is that it is a mystery

Why? listen carefully

We never learn from the past

No matter we always come last

There’s no sign of improvement

So go to your dad, and make a surpriseeeeeeeeeeee

I am not a history teacher

Old age

When I picture my future, I don’t see myself as a father, instead I skip straight ahead to be a grandfather. A grandfather, with his granddaughter and grandson walking through a supermarket, and buying candy. I am the coolest granddad there ever could be. I still have muscles, I am energetic, I swing my granddaughter around. It’s just the life man. I can’t wait to get old.

Spoiled

Today’s difficult task is liking a song that was made famous by a crime/thriller series.

Song: Please Don’t Go

Artist: KC And The Sunshine Band

Series: Dahmer – Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story

Crime/Thriller movies have ruined songs for me before. The last one was Hold Me Now by the Thomson Twins. I first heard the song on the movie Black Mirror. Every time I listen to it I feel good, then I feel lonely and miserable. In the case of Please Don’t Go, it’s pure fear. The lyrics go

“Babe I love you so

I want you to know

That I’m Gonna Miss Your Love

the Minute You walk out that door

So please don’t go”

and all I can picture is Jeffrey Dahmer pulling my legs into an underground cabin in the woods. But the song is great! Nice 80s feel and happy. The irony is incredible.

Fear

The new Dahmer series has got me gripped. It’s easily one of the most horrifying things I’ve seen on the internet. What makes it different is the way they show the past and present side-by-side. The switches between the two are done incredibly well. Even though this is giving me a lot of anxiety, I just had to google the real Dahmer story and unfortunately, I stumbled upon an actual interview with the guy, and he is way scarier in real life. I think this is one of the few times where the filmmakers have chosen to tone down the character. Throughout my life, the human mind has amazed me, what it is capable of, so much creativity and so much destruction. If only all minds had a healthy upbringing, the world would have been a better place.

Bulk

I bought 5 litres of hand sanitizer. It made perfect sense at the time. The last time I made a mistake like this was when I bought 10kg of flour. Three weeks later a tiny ecosystem emerged from the bag. Some of it looked alien. Here’s the problem with buying in bulk, there’s always a price vs panic dilemma. Too much of anything is bad, but a lot of something is good. Today has been a Saturday of contemplation. My only friend here ditched me for a trip to the hills. I came straight home from work, bought a large pack of fruitopies, and I am now deep in thought, about my life, my experiences and my wishes. The next half of my life will have to be a planned one. There’s no escaping it.