If you suffer from depression, and you feel like it’s a part of who you are, then there’s no point fighting it. There’s no point avoiding it either. You should work with it. Realize that there’s nothing wrong in treating it. I treat mine with intense workouts, forced-socialising and KFC.
As you might have guessed, it’s best if you stop reading my blog right now. The amount of unqualified advice I give, frightens me.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Curiosity: I am depressed. I’ve lost all motivation. I want to eat a lot and go to sleep. I do not want to deal with reality. I’ve tried my best. My dreams are never going to come true.
Therapist: (Face looks disgusted). That sucks. Why do you think your dreams are not taking shape?
Curiosity: Well for starters, I’m out of shape. I have to loosen my belt when I sit down, and I have to tighten it when I stand up. So every time I get up from a chair, I look like I am getting ready to strip. Some people find it amusing.
Therapist: Ok. What else is bothering you?
Curiosity: Well, I don’t have any friends. I don’t have a girlfriend, and I feel like I can’t do anything right. I mean…I start doing thigs but I never finish them. Like the other day, I bought a MIDI controller and tried to learn the keyboard, but then I lost interest. I formed a band, like a full frikking band, complete with a vocalist, a lead guitar, a base and drums. When I began to loose interest, the rest of the band bailed. I can’t finish reading a book. I can’t even read two pages of a news paper. My mind keeps swaying. I get panic attacks at work. I don’t sleep well. I stay up late. I am a big fan of midnight snacks.
Therapist: Hold it. Lets start there. Get some nice sleep. Go to bed early, and wake up early. Lets see how that goes. See you in a few days.
Curiosity: Unfuckingbelievable. Dude, I need help. Like, right now.
Therapist: You can hug me if you like.
Curiosity: Fuck no. I’ll come back. This better work.
The big reveal of the story is that I gave myself therapy.
Ideas (meticulously thought out by Curiosity himself)
- A boxing ring at the centre of your work place, that has a giant bell hung on top to signal the commencement of a no-holds-barred fight to the death.
- Vegetables that taste like meat and meat that tastes like vegetables
- A computer embedded in your brain that will replay all of your fondest memories in your mind during times of extreme distress.
Suggestions (taking suggestions from strangers is what got me through puberty)
- If you don’t like reading books, try to make friends with someone who does. Doing this will help you stay away from books.
- While sitting in a public place, move close to someone and pretend you got a phone call. Lower your voice while talking into the phone and say,” its contagious. Doctor says I shouldn’t be within 10 feet of anyone”.
- The next time you see someone get abnormally angry, sad or frustrated, head over to them and give them a big hug. Then whisper into their ear, “I killed Mufasa”.