Last week’s topic was Family, and what it means to me. I feel like I didn’t speak a lot. I vented a little about not having a good relationship with my mother and sister, and that was it. I had nothing more to say. I have to admit that the topic makes me a little uncomfortable because it is something I struggle with, and it is very real. So when the others talked about their broken families, I felt a bit relieved, and I hate myself for it. I hate that I get comfort in other people’s misery Why is that? Why do people feel better when they realize they are not the only one’s who’s suffering? Let’s be honest. It’s not that you can “relate” to other people’s problems. It’s just that you are not alone in the suffering.
therapy
Trying and failing
I am dangerously immature for my age. I call it ‘dangerous’ because I know this is what is keeping me from achieving my dreams and goals. Wait a minute…I don’t have any goals. Dreams and goals sound good together though. Anyway, my point is…take today for example. My psychologist recommended taking a vacation. She said it would help with my depression. So I went to a tiger reserve. I knew it’ll be tricky to get to this place by myself, so I had to travel with a group. Though everything went well on the first day, the second day was so off putting, that I felt like coming back home. I just felt so out of place. I never feel this way when I travel alone, and in fact I talked about this to one of the people in the group, and naturally, they felt offended!
Update: Mere minutes after I finished posting this, I had a vision of my boat sinking in the river surrounding the reserve, and then I got attacked by a crocodile.
Week 4 update
I can look people in the eye now. Before, it was just a forced stare that looked liked I was peeking into your soul, but it was really me trying not to reveal how uncomfortable I was. It would send the ladies flying, and the gents confused. Today, I looked into the eyes of my friend while he was talking about some personal stuff, and I didn’t look away once, nor did my heart rate go up. The meditation is working.
I went to a bar today. I have never seen anything like this. There were about 50 tables with just one customer each. Does that say something about society? I mean, it’s a Thursday night. It makes sense, people aren’t very excited to be there. I am used to seeing people huddled around a table, laughing having a great time, but today it was silent, just a few people minding their own business. Cogs in a machine.
Week 1 Progress
Taming the anxiety dragon
Something as simple as walking down the street was stressful. What’s even worse is that I did not know this was happening to me. The difference now, is that I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I now have a few tricks up my sleeve (thanks to a nut-eating Psychologist) to control the anxiety. It’s too soon to say that a weight has been lifted off my chest. I still feel the weight. So now when I’m walking down the street, and someone passes by, I still panic, but I know it’s going to be okay.
I got help
I felt a weight being lifted off my chest as I explained to my Clinical Psychologist, how I get anxious when I do simple tasks. Then I caught her eating nuts, which is fine. You gotta eat when you gotta eat. I just found it weird that she would do circus tricks with her mouth. I paid her. She wrote me back saying thank you, and gave me a prescription. I am now officially diagnosed with OCD among other things. I noticed that the name she uses at her clinic is different from her name on Google Pay, which is also different from her name on her bank account (my bank statement shows her real name for some reason). I’m guessing this 3-level security is kind of the norm for people who deal with crazys like myself. Infact I think it should be mandatory for doctors working in this field to use fake names. The last thing you want to see on a Monday morning, is a depressed soul waiting outside your front door, waiting to talk about their problems. Speaking of depression, I watched a movie called Arab Blues, and I found it to be very different, in a good way. I like the actress and her eyebrows. I have another session with the Psychologist in three weeks to review my progress. I want to be a normal human being by then. I don’t want to die of an anxiety attack.
Shy boys
One day my mom told me I don’t have a personality. So I leaned over from the dining table, and gave her the finger. It’s just jokes you guys. I would never do that to my mother. She’s a kind and gentle human being, plus she would punch me in the throat. I ended up actually going for a personality development course because I didn’t have school, and also because my mother hated watching me enjoy life. While signing up for the classes, an old school teacher of mine saw me, and she made a face like, “what the fuck are you doing here?”. I explained to her that I had ‘issues’, and I needed therapy to ‘integrate’ myself back into society. I don’t know if you spotted it, but this was another joke you guys! I would never lie like that to a teacher. I was traumatised by them as a child though.
I walked into the ‘room’ where they did the brainwashing, and lo and behold, there’s a beautiful girl sitting on a chair with a notepad, wondering whose life am I going to fuck up next (jokes guys). She recognized me. “I was your senior in school!”, she said. “Oh no!”, I said. Then began the self-introductions. I remember it was all guys. There was an obviously gay dude, and his five-year-old brother for some reason, an MBA student, a businessman and a few others. I’m not bragging, but it didn’t take long for me to turn into the centre of attraction. I saw the opening, and I took it. These were shy people, and if there’s one thing I am good at, it’s making shy people feel comfortable, because I know what it feels like to be shy. This story is starting to get boring and I am going to end it now.
How to establish a flourishing business
I wouldn’t know. I never owned any business. I never worked at a business. I know nothing about it. Now that you are here, lets talk about depression.
Safe in the hills
Here’s a fun list of things that have been troubling me as of late
- Inability to fulfill my dreams
- Deteriorating relationship with remaining members of my family
- Unhealthy relationship with isolation
So I took the day off, and left for the hills
Over the years, I’ve realized that, the moment I start to fuck up my life, a whole new level of appreciation for nature emerges out of nowhere! I’ve heard people say that travelling helps clear the mind. I don’t agree with this. I think it helps to bring clarity to your thoughts. Plus, travelling is exercise one way or the other. So it’s quite natural that you feel better after travelling. I’m no scientist, just saying.
To quote the great poet Bruce Dickinson, Run To The Hills.
Don’t fight the depression
If you suffer from depression, and you feel like it’s a part of who you are, then there’s no point fighting it. There’s no point avoiding it either. You should work with it. Realize that there’s nothing wrong in treating it. I treat mine with intense workouts, forced-socialising and KFC.
As you might have guessed, it’s best if you stop reading my blog right now. The amount of unqualified advice I give, frightens me.
I got help
Therapist: Why are you here?
Curiosity: I am depressed. I’ve lost all motivation. I want to eat a lot and go to sleep. I do not want to deal with reality. I’ve tried my best. My dreams are never going to come true.
Therapist: (Face looks disgusted). That sucks. Why do you think your dreams are not taking shape?
Curiosity: Well for starters, I’m out of shape. I have to loosen my belt when I sit down, and I have to tighten it when I stand up. So every time I get up from a chair, I look like I am getting ready to strip. Some people find it amusing.
Therapist: Ok. What else is bothering you?
Curiosity: Well, I don’t have any friends. I don’t have a girlfriend, and I feel like I can’t do anything right. I mean…I start doing thigs but I never finish them. Like the other day, I bought a MIDI controller and tried to learn the keyboard, but then I lost interest. I formed a band, like a full frikking band, complete with a vocalist, a lead guitar, a base and drums. When I began to loose interest, the rest of the band bailed. I can’t finish reading a book. I can’t even read two pages of a news paper. My mind keeps swaying. I get panic attacks at work. I don’t sleep well. I stay up late. I am a big fan of midnight snacks.
Therapist: Hold it. Lets start there. Get some nice sleep. Go to bed early, and wake up early. Lets see how that goes. See you in a few days.
Curiosity: Unfuckingbelievable. Dude, I need help. Like, right now.
Therapist: You can hug me if you like.
Curiosity: Fuck no. I’ll come back. This better work.
The big reveal of the story is that I gave myself therapy.
Random Thought Beam 