I had a very sheltered upbringing, because my parents felt they fucked up with their first child. I remember, as a kid, I was open, expressive and honest. I knew I was weird. I never hid it. I knew people liked me being weird. I remember once, an older cousin commanded me to bring him a glass of water. So I peed in a cup and…you get the idea. I am not proud of it but, it’s a fun story.
Later on, all that changed. I grew quiet. I built an armour around me and I installed a filter on my mouth. I still have remnants of my old self though. Sometimes I’ll feel the urge to strike up a conversation with a random stranger when I’m drunk. The conversation goes really well until the alcohol wears off.
So now, I’m trying to release the Kraken; I am trying to bring back my old self. Turns out, it’s not that easy when you are 27 years old. People get offended very quickly. I can’t stroke a guy’s beard and tell him it “feels” good. I can’t stare into a girl’s eyes and tell her it reminds me of my dead dog. So I’ve toned down the approach. I’m trying out this new method, where I slowly reveal my weirdness and see if it plays out well. Hope I don’t get fired.
The reason why I used “wilderness” in the title is not because I trekked through a forest but because I trekked through a forest accompanied by three other human beings, which I normally don’t do. The super-introvert in me could never do such a thing but I did it just to see what it would be like and here’s what I’ve learned.
I’ve heard people say ,”you have to travel with people to really get to know them”. I agree with this. However I really think that you need to get to know people if you really need to get to know them. There’s no easy way to do it. So when I went trekking with a friend, her friend and a local, I learned the real reason why we humans are still classified as “animals” rather than something upper-class like “the engineers” or “centurions” 🙂 .
At 4:00pm today, I will be surrounded by 20 people, in a small room, for 4 hours. Sadly, it’s not going to be a gang-bang. I am not afraid. I have prayed to the god of social superiority(Deadpool).
While coming back from work today, I saw a hand pop-up from a crowd on the sidewalk, signalling the auto-rickshaw to stop. It was just me and a lady in the rickshaw. There was room for one more. So the driver pulled over. As the person emerged from the crowd, the driver realized that this person is a little overweight. The driver looked at her and boom! just took off before she got in. Now kids, this is where you should go,” hey asshole, stop the damn rickshaw and let her in. I’ll sit in the front seat”(this is allowed here. I don’t know why, but yes, it is allowed), but I didn’t say anything. I just sat there with words stuck inside my head, trying not to make eye-contact with anyone for fear of “conversation”. Kids, I am what they call, a pussy. But I’ll tell you one thing for sure. This won’t happen again. Yeah that’s right. Testosterone is gonna erupt the next time I see this happen 🙂 .
Colleague: “I have the kind of health issues that don’t show up on medical test reports”.
Me: “Its okay. I sometimes get awkward boners during lunch breaks. They don’t show up on test reports either”.
That sums up almost everything I wanted to say in this post.
In other news, I almost got killed today by a sewer pipe.
Damn thing collapsed a second before I was going to walk underneath it. Right after it happened, the construction worker looked at me like, “well, thank god!”. I’m like,”mmmmotherfucker!. You almost crushed a living legend”.
To celebrate the fact that I escaped death today, I decided to do something out of the ordinary. Being the dare devil that I am, I decided to ‘step out’ of the house. More specifically, I decided to re-join the gym. As you all know, I am a fitness freak. When it comes to fast food, I maintain a strict ‘no burgers, no pizza’ rule on all leap years.
The instructor was happy to see me. He asked me why I quit going to the gym in the first place. I explained to him the hardships that a single, middle-class, straight, stellar looking guy in his late 20’s has to face. However, I hid the fact that I was bullied by two little girls at the gym.
After I got back from work today I played one of those exciting mind-games called ‘count the number of words you spoke today’. I counted. Maybe 100 tops. Most of it was to the cab driver. I wonder if blogging counts as talking. Probably not.
No jokes in this post. Seriously, no jokes.
When the weekend finally rolled in, I wasn’t feeling well. So I decided to kick back and rest. I ended up not talking to anyone for a whole two days. I didn’t go out either. But then, Sunday night came along and I thought I should probably start cooking. So I cleaned myself up and went outside to get some ‘utensils’. I knew a shop nearby. It had giant glass doors in the front. So you could see everyone inside. I thought to myself, “whoa! that’s a lot of people”. I suddenly felt a little uncomfortable. All of a sudden I didn’t want to go inside. It was like there was an invisible force-field preventing me from getting through. Seeing all those people through the glass doors made me anxious. But it didn’t make sense. I do this all the time. I couldn’t figure out what the problem was. What’s even more fucked up was, when I tried to force myself in, I felt a strange pain inside my head. Like, actual physical pain. This scared me a little. I remember feeling this way only when I experience extraordinary amounts of anxiety. The people inside the store started noticing me. So I thought, “the heck with it”. I pushed the door open and I went inside. I couldn’t look at people’s faces and I didn’t end up buying anything but I felt slightly relieved.
I’ve learned one big lesson today. Fuck stores. Just get it online. I’m kidding.
If I don’t go out for a long time/interact with people, I forget how to socialize. It won’t happen again.
I’ve never made friends at a movie theatre. People in the audience always seem like like-minded people but you know…they could be on drugs(kids, this is what happens when your mind is messed up). So I’ve never interacted with them. I wanted to change that today. So I went to watch Black Panther with three main objectives in mind.
- Enjoy the hell outta of the movie
- Join a movie-gang
- Don’t get killed
Pretty easy right? Well, as soon as the movie started, my head decided to fix itself, looking only in the direction of the screen and my mind decided to leave my brain and immerse itself in Wakanda. From time to time I could hear conflicts in my head:
Voice of reason: You are literally surrounded by people like you. It is the best chance to make friends.
Me: I am here to see the King of Wakanda. Shut the fuck up.
I am a weirdo. I like the strangest things about movies. For example, my favourite scenes from the movie were(spoilers ahead. You deserve it if you still haven’t watched the movie):
- The very beginning of the movie explaining the story of Wakanda – Interestingly, the voice of the villain is the focus during the introduction. Large amounts of information explained visually in a short amount of time. I’m a big fan of that!
- Kid(villain) playing basketball sees the Wakandan aircraft leave – There are several reasons why I like this scene. First of all, it is the ambiguity of the situation. The kid gets a glimpse of the mysterious unknown. The scene is so beautifully crafted that it creates an impact in your mind.
- King’s aircraft fly over the grasslands(Wakanda reveal) – I have two words to express my feelings during this sequence- Holy shit. That’s what I call an ‘immersive’ experience. This is my kind of movie making.
- The music. This is what I liked about the movie the most. There is no music but there definitely is! Let me explain. During scenes like the one I mentioned above there are mainly just sounds. No music. Just sounds of a few instruments and it is amazing. Normally one would expect super-orchestral, heart thumping music during such sequences but the movie maker chose to make it different and wow! did he succeed! I felt the same vibe in Blade Runner 2049.
I don’t get invited to a lot of parties and if do, I refuse immediately. Its just my inability to socialise. No big deal. But I went to a party today. I went because the person who invited me put it in a very interesting way. This is kind of what she said:
“I know your issue with a large group of people. Yes, there will be some of those ‘fancy stuck-up rich people’ that you talk about but most of them are humble and best of all, they have a good sense of humour. There will be people of all ages(there really was!). There’s no way all of them will react badly to your craziness. You don’t know these people. You might never see them again. So go ahead and embarrass yourself.
So I did and… I wouldn’t say I nailed it but I sure as hell survived it. The highlights of the event were:
I did not offend anyone
I weirded-out a few but they’ll be alright
I talked to everyone
Didn’t get uncomfortable with the ladies
So I am here now. I am still alive. I am looking forward to the next party. Actually, no. Not immediately.
A party isn’t a nightmare
A party is practise
Do you know what it feels like to sit at home all alone while the rest of the world is outside having fun? It feels surprisingly good! I should do this more often. Only problem is that I have begun to talk to the computer. Not to Cortana or Siri. Just to the screen.
I should stop using overly dramatic post titles.