Prepare for the paranormal

Valentine thoughts

I used to date someone who believed she had the ability to ‘feel’ everything she touches. By ‘feel’, we’re talking X-men level shit, where she claimed she could ‘live-through’ other people’s experiences. For this specific reason she would buy clothes of dead people. This was great for me because it was during this time that I found definition for my life. Basically, having nothing to do with what she was into, is what my life is all about. Having said that, it was me who got dumped.

How to deal with a ghost encounter

Have you ever gone to lock the door late at night, switched off the lights, and happen to see a tall, dark figure standing in a corner of the room, staring right at you?. As delightful as that sounds, there are chances that the whole experience can get a little tricky. So here are a few tips. My advice is to try and connect with it. Reason with it. Ask it why it has such poor taste in clothing. Try to find common ground, you know, like you were on a date. Ask if it is feeling depressed. Also, why do ghosts have to look like a woman to appear scary? That’s a little sexist I think. Also, are there gay ghosts? By the way, a demon and a ghost are two completely different things. I hate it when I hear people say, “aren’t they the same thing?”. No they are not! That’s like saying Gene Jackman and Hugh Jackman are the “same thing” because their names sound similar. One’s a wolverine and the other’s a nobody(no offence). I believe in equal opportunity. My dream is to be haunted by beautiful, transgender spirits.

I was born this way. There is nothing I can do about it.

Contact

My mom once jokingly told me that she and my sister are fascinated by the idea of trying to establish contact with the dead, using “magic”. When she told me this, I realized how much she misses my dad. I thought to my self, “it could have been much worse. This isn’t that bad. Its just harmless witchcraft”. But after watching that movie “Hereditary”, FUCK NO.  

I don’t believe in this shit. I am not that kinda guy. If I get an email saying “you have won a free astrology session with world renowned astrologer, Dr. Dolittle”, my first reaction would be to contact my email provider and tell them their spam filter is a piece of shit.