I trespassed into a rich person’s house thinking it’s a park, and got chased by a bear.
Now, as soon as I saw the bear lunging towards me I realised I won’t be able to outrun it. All of the terrifying scenes from the Revenant came back to me in an instant. As I stood there, deciding whether to play dead or be dead, the bear stopped, and it started sniffing the ground. Days of not showering had finally paid off. I quickly climbed on to a tall wall. How, you ask? I don’t know. It’s a dream. Roll with it. Just as I was about to jump, I woke up. Oh! I just remembered that I was carrying my 4 year old dog while all of this was going down.
Rich person’s house: life, playing tricks
Bear: life, playing more tricks
Easily climbable walls: somehow everything works out in the end, though it might have got me killed
Dog: was my real life dog. I would die for her. Why the fuck would life want to kill my dog?
I once had a dream that I was in the back of a pickup truck with my parents and sister, driving through what seemed like a desert. The truck hit a speed bump and I rolled out the back. My family probably noticed it but they kept going and never came back. Meanwhile, in a nearby workshop, Ronald McDonald was having an argument with a biker gang for pulling his wig. One of the bikers came frighteningly up close and proceeded to insert skittles into his pocket. He then whispered into Ronald’s ear, “who’s that Pokémon?” He then crushed the skittles wrapper and left. A depressed Ronald found me lying on the road. He took me in. We setup a kickstarter to fund our new restaurant idea. It was a success, largely funded by religious extremists. As soon as we opened the restaurant we got sued by a damn fast food chain called McDonald’s. Luckily we had little money leftover which we used to buy Bitcoin.
I had a vision today. I passed out at a KFC only to be woken up by the KFC guy. I mean the man himself. The grey haired dude with the mustache who appears on the logo. He came up to me and said, “son, the key to a successful, stable relationship is stem cell research. I knew I wouldn’t understand it right away. So I went to the toilet to contemplate. I came back refreshed, ready to shoot the right question. I asked, “Oh great chicken-man, I know not what your angle is. I beg you to dum it down for me”. Suddenly he froze. His face went pale. He slowly pointed at the table next to me and said, “it’s too late. There is no hope now”. His fingers were shaking.
It gets really weird after that. I looked over to the table he was pointing at and saw my boss eating a burger. But instead of a patty, the burger had ‘money’ in between the buns? But it was all demonitised notes? Long story short, I finally saw myself standing on top of a table, weilding a machete and on the machete was ‘greed’ written in blood.
Kids, this is what sleep deprivation will do to you. Remember to get your full 8 hours or you’ll end up like me. PS: This whole thing was a joke. Have a sense of humour for God’s sake.
Just like any other day I was sitting in my office planning how to deploy artillery around the campus when I heard the boss say something. My brain could not process what was coming out of its mouth. It kept making a weird noise. It sounded like “Party” aka nightmare. “We are having a party at my place tomorrow. I would like you to come” For some reason my immediate answer was “why?”. But what I really wanted to ask was “why should I come? You don’t own me. Why do you always refer to yourself as ‘we’? Are you a legion or something?”.
Long story short, what should have been a perfect evening with my drums, Rick, Morty and Mindhunter is now ruined because I have to talk to “people” instead. Thanks a lot life! I don’t think it’ll be that bad though. Unless a whole group of people try to corner me and force me to talk. I resort to arson in those situations. Which is highly unlikely given my celebrity status in the office.