Guys, I knew this day would finally come. It was just a matter of time, since I have an affinity for these kind of things. I don’t know how to go about this. It might sound crazy to all of you, but I hope my personal experience sheds some light on this much debated topic. There’s no easy way to say it….
I’ve discovered time travel.
It happens when I pass through a glitch in the universe. It’s some sort of a gateway, and right now, it’s at the doorstep of the State Treasury Department. Stay with me. I went there to open a fixed deposit thinking it’s the right thing to do given the volatile nature of the current economy.
So I reached the gate of this magnificent building, and I see about hundred people waiting in queue to get in. Turns out, those are people being made to wait because they’re there to withdraw money. For people who want to deposit money, there’s a lady at the door welcoming you in right away with open arms, and she’s willing to show you around and stuff.
The moment you pass through those doors, you feel something’s different. You see people talking in a different accent, there’s flip phones, lots of wood, bottles of glue, there’s staff walking around without wearing any ID tags, it’s the real deal, and get this, the office “server” shuts down at 12:00 pm, which is like, standard operating procedure for establishments that existed in the 90’s. So post 12:00 pm, we go back even further in time to the dark ages where people yell at each other, and show hand-signals to communicate.
I had to go three times to this shit hole to open a frikkin fixed deposit, and I still haven’t even got the damn passbook yet. The year is 2021. Get your shit together, State Treasury.
When is it cool to ask people their salaries? The right answer has to be NEVER.
I realized I’ve not been taking the best financial decisions off late. If the time came where I needed to flee the country, I need money to flee. So I looked back, analyzed my spending strategy, and found they were all wrong. Like, for example, I Uber to work, the days that I’m running late. Looking back at it now, I realize how dumb it is. So I cut it. Now I just reach work late. You see kids, smart decisions like these is what got me to where I am today. It doesn’t matter if you get a mail from HR saying, “here’s your punch-in history for the past two months, and it doesn’t look good”. It doesn’t matter. You see, it only takes a moment to send a reply saying, “go fuck yourself INFINITE number of times you dick sucking fuck-stick”, but I don’t. You see kids, that’s another great quality to have, self-restraint.
We’ve entered phase 5 of elections. However, there are far more important things to talk about, like the time I got paid in Gold at the grocery store. A digital wallet payment at my local grocery store earned me the honor of receiving “cashback”, but since I wasn’t a “verified” wallet user(I haven’t given them my ID), I got paid in Gold, like, digital gold. So in this land of magic, I not only own Gold in another dimension, but I also have been gifted with a personal money-manager who makes sure that my rewards reach my bank account safely.
I read an article in the paper today. It was about BIG DATA. I don’t know why I typed that in all caps. Maybe its’s to incite FEAR. Is it working? RELATIONSHIP, COMMITMENT, RENT, UNEMPLOYMENT!
Scary words. Anyway, the article had all the fancy quotes. “Data is the new oil”, “You are the product”, “Google needs to pay”. So here’s the deal. We know all these companies are profiting off of everyone who browses the internet. They study people’s online activity and make calculated assumptions. Assumptions, that other companies are willing to pay big money for. It helps them sell their products better. For example, if you search for a kitchen knife online, google tells its friend, amazon, that someone’s in the mood for some cooking. Amazon quickly sends you a mail about all that sexy kitchenware it has to offer. That’s right. All those condom ads on YouTube, appear for a reason.
It’s not just marketing. Companies study behavioural patterns. Entertainment companies want to know which parts of a movie excites you the most, so that they can make better movies. So, all this is fine. We already know that this is happening. What intrigues me is that the author went on to say that these companies need to start paying people for the data they collect. So that means, Google has to pay me for allowing it to study my interest in 90s cartoons.
I don’t know how I feel about that. It’s like getting paid for giving up privacy.
For no reason, here’s some music.
Start the engine. Begin by sounding happy(If you’re like me, you wouldn’t have talked to her for a long time. So sound apologetic. How to sound happy and apologetic at the same time you ask? I don’t know. Fuckin figure it the out. Hit the accelerator. Then talk about something nice, like how fast your nephew is growing up. Switch gears. Talk about your plans to get a new job or study something new. Hit the breaks. Tell her you are going through a bad time. Switch off the engine. Tell her you need money. Put it in neutral. Explain why you need it. Push it down a cliff. Start crying.
Or you could cut the theatrics and tell her what’s up. Saves a lot of time and energy.
I know. It’s a fucking disgrace. Nobody likes to do it. It’s not the right thing to do. You might even have to hear about it for a year. But some of us have to. I had to ask my mom for money last year. Lucky for me, I needed the money to go home. I usually plan stuff out but this time something unexpected came up and I had to make the trip. She wanted to see me anyways. So I didn’t even have to beg. Once I got back, I thought to myself,” What do I do now? Do I give it back? She’ll never accept it. How about I turn it into a situation where I ‘NEVER’ have to ask for it again?. That sounds good”. Sounds corny but I definitely do not wish to be in that situation again and I never will be.
Pro-tip: If you do end up begging your mom for money, don’t harass her. After all, she gave birth to your sorry ass and that looser sibling of yours, which brings me to the next segment of this post:
How to ask your sister for money.
I got a call from a cousin recently. Its one of those cousins that you know, calls once every three or four months to show that he cares and shit. But this time the conversation went a little differently.
How’s everything? How’s work? How long have you been working there? Are you getting paid well? Do you think that’s good enough for you? Wait… let me tell you this before you even answer. No, that’s not good enough for you. You have to aim higher. Why are you not trying? Say hi to mom .Take care buddy!
I think orphans are lucky in certain ways. I have never been bothered by relatives before but this got me thinking. Besides, dude is a pretty awesome engineer himself. So I didn’t want to let it out the other ear. Obviously, there’s no point in writing all of this crap in a blog because ultimately I am the one who needs to wake up and take decisions. For some reason, I think writing helps.
If I keep doing what I like does that make me some kind of a “non-dreamer”? Do you necessarily have to keep switching jobs frequently until you find the best one? I like to call such people “bullet trains”. They don’t pay attention to the little things because the attention is on the main goal. Granted, I don’t get paid well and I hate everyone at work but hey, I love the job! In fact I am sure that I can do much more with it. I have to admit that it has started to feel a bit like a nice cozy comfort zone but that’s just something I’ll have to deal with.
On a lighter note, I got a new apartment
Internet is faster than the rate at which “bullet trains” switch jobs.
Next door neighbour’s name is Loki
Very rarely do I bump into talkative neighbours
Nothing so far. Woohoo!
Never thought I’d say this but…
I think I miss my roommate