Every time I hear someone else is doing better than me, there is a small part of me that hurts. It’s like a tiny prick, but depending on the situation, the intensity of the prick varies. For example, if I find out that a very good friend of mine recently got promoted, or is getting married, first there is a prick, but then it is followed by “I am happy for my buddy. I love him/her”. Then there’s the other extreme. Today, I checked a friend’s IMDB page, and to my horror, found out that he’s not only worked on every Marvel movie I’ve seen, but the fucker is currently working on those that are in production right now! I keep telling myself, “be happy for him. be happy for him. be happy for him”, but it hurts lol!
This sickness has been growing in me for quite sometime. The realization was gradual. I found out there is something terribly wrong with the way I viewed other people’s successes, while trying out a particular kind of guided meditation. I know right? Meditation. It has a lot to do with upbringing and friend circles. I should probably go to therapy to get this sorted out, but it doesn’t hurt to write down the truth.
Isn’t it ironic that meditation is about mindfulness, and not about mindlessness? To achieve mindfulness, your mind has to be devoid of all thoughts which is essentially mindlessness. If a mind does not have any thoughts, space and time ceases to exist. There is no clarity because there is nothing to be clear. There is nothingness. You are safe. Everything else becomes unimportant, unless a naked man walks into your apartment, and chokes you to death.
In the evening, around 5:00 pm I sat on my bed, and meditated. I have a few steps before I reach my ‘g spot’ in meditation. First, I try to forget what’s going on in my life. Not a big problem. Not many cancer cases at the moment in the family. Mostly everyone is doing fine, except for the thousands who are dying due to the Pandemic. So the first step is ok. Second step is listening to the sounds. By listening I mean deep listening, like, I hear the tea being poured into glasses. I hear the chatter. I hear the footsteps. I hear the motherfucking children play in the hallways. I hear the people living above making dinner. Lastly, to make this shit a little poetic, I hear the wind. Once I am done with the auditory orgasms, I block them out. Next I focus on my breathing. It used to be easier when I was a kid because I used to feel great. Now, I imagine all the health problems I’ll have to face in the future. I feel the lungs expand, and wonder how long will they able to put up with this shit called life. Then I block it out as well. Then comes the last and most difficult step, which is removing all thoughts. Not thinking about anything. I can’t explain what it’s like because it is total absence, like before the universe began, but even in that absence I could feel that I am alive. I am alive and I am inside nothingness. My head is working. Stephen Hawking says that the concept of time has no meaning before the beginning of the universe. I don’t feel the passage of time when my mind is absent of thoughts. Once I reach this place, I find it hard to stay there, because ‘reality’ keeps sending in lighting bolts into the absence.
I spent an afternoon at a monastery, with very calm, friendly monks. I sat with them, discussed life, politics and Lady Gaga. I ate soya bean, rice, tofu, spinach, carrots, beat, noodles and corn. I felt my stomach try to reject all that vegetarian goodness, probably because it wasn’t used to pure vegetarian food.
I am now on twitter. My handle is @randomthoughtbe
Come say hi.
I sometimes shut off the world with these magical instruments. I feel different when I wear them. I feel safe. Reality fades and emotions takeover. I escape.
After a while, I take them off. I return to a refreshing reality. Somehow everything sucks a little less after that.