When your food delivery guy calls and tells you,” you don’t have to spend time giving me directions. I know where your apartment is. I’ve delivered there before. Sit tight”, its like, all that love you never got as a child doesn’t matter anymore.
I had a very sheltered upbringing, because my parents felt they fucked up with their first child. I remember, as a kid, I was open, expressive and honest. I knew I was weird. I never hid it. I knew people liked me being weird. I remember once, an older cousin commanded me to bring him a glass of water. So I peed in a cup and…you get the idea. I am not proud of it but, it’s a fun story.
Later on, all that changed. I grew quiet. I built an armour around me and I installed a filter on my mouth. I still have remnants of my old self though. Sometimes I’ll feel the urge to strike up a conversation with a random stranger when I’m drunk. The conversation goes really well until the alcohol wears off.
So now, I’m trying to release the Kraken; I am trying to bring back my old self. Turns out, it’s not that easy when you are 27 years old. People get offended very quickly. I can’t stroke a guy’s beard and tell him it “feels” good. I can’t stare into a girl’s eyes and tell her it reminds me of my dead dog. So I’ve toned down the approach. I’m trying out this new method, where I slowly reveal my weirdness and see if it plays out well. Hope I don’t get fired.
I’m a fan of the song. But is it true that
Everybody needs somebody?
Everybody needs something?
Maybe I’m inexplicably naive. But as human beings, I think we are evolving to be more independent and efficient in every way possible. Whenever I feel down, and feel like I need companionship, I do this little trick where I look up to myself! (lame, I know). I ask myself for advice, and guess what? It works! Especially when I’m drunk. You know why? Because deep inside, I know that I am the only person in the whole world who can help me. I know how relationships, religion, that sort of thing, seem magical. Do you think, in the far-away future, people will still cling on to these?
Or, is all of this just nonsense spewing from a super-introverted, super-single, super-happy human being? My mom called the other day and talked a lot about how she thinks I’ve changed. The words, ‘distant’, ‘strange’ and ‘family’ were used repeatedly. She’s funny. I like her.
I just remembered my dog. Everything makes sense now. Dammit.
I have a dream, a simple, revolutionary dream. I want to make music. I want to see people become happy when they listen to my music. Unfortunately, I do not have the talent to realize this dream on my own. I need a team(in the words of the great Deadpool, “a super dooper fucking group”). I’ve been trying to put together a team for the past one month. After several auditions, I finally got a bass player and lead guitar player. I explained my dream to them. I narrated it in Morgan Freeman’s voice. I put forth the idea like Steve Jobs explaining a business idea. I did everything I could. Yet those fuckers want to pursue a more “people-friendly” genre rather than taking a chance with me. I respect their musical interests. So now, I travel for an hour every weekend, play drums to fuckin “Foo Fighters” at a recording studio, come back home and eat till the depression fades away(Domino’s wins again).
I met a family who lives inside the studio’s premises. Here they are:
I wrote this yesterday night while I was drunk. I forgot to post it.
Sometime during my high school days, my mother slapped me on my face. It was a memorable event. It was one of those, “head-spinning, birds chirping” kind of slaps that I will never forget. I remember thinking, “holy shit, does she work-out secretly?”. I also remember why she did it. It was because I was being a brat about the quality of dinner that she had been giving me for the past few days. What I didn’t think through was that she was a single mom, taking care of me, my grandparents and my pet dog. Funny thing is, immediately after I got slapped, I heard dad’s voice. “Treat her like a queen”, those were his last words to me. It was kind of frightening, the way he said it. It was as if he would haunt me in my sleep if I did otherwise.
Mom, I don’t think I’ve ever hurt you but I also know that I haven’t been much of a good “son” either. I know you would like to talk to me everyday even if there was nothing to say. Unfortunately, I suck at “conversations”. I am working on it. I know you are worried about why I don’t have a girlfriend. I know you are worried about why I don’t have any friends 🙂 . It’s so cute how every time I tell you I went for a movie, you ask “so did you watch it with anyone?”. And every time I tell you I went alone, I can hear you sigh silently. Makes me laugh every time. Funny thing is that you are never ever going to read this post. You don’t know I have a blog. I am only writing this because I’m drunk. I’ll probably delete this once I am sober. But for the limited amount of time this post is live, I want you to know that the you are a wonderful human being and you have done a great job raising your kids(I know I turned out fine. The other one, not so much. I think she’s a little messed up in the head. But she’s cool).
Once, my sister gifted me a watch with no hands. It had a golden face. I asked her why it doesn’t have any hands. She said it’s to remind me that whatever time it is, ‘time’ itself is the most precious thing in the world. She also suggested that I keep a picture of her in the watch, incase I didn’t like the watch-face.
There are times when we take our families for granted. We get busy. We forget their birthdays. We stop talking to them. We need to remember that they are the only human beings that truly care for us and will love us unconditionally.
So I hugged her and laughed hysterically at her stupid idea. What a waste of time.
Start the engine. Begin by sounding happy(If you’re like me, you wouldn’t have talked to her for a long time. So sound apologetic. How to sound happy and apologetic at the same time you ask? I don’t know. Fuckin figure it the out. Hit the accelerator. Then talk about something nice, like how fast your nephew is growing up. Switch gears. Talk about your plans to get a new job or study something new. Hit the breaks. Tell her you are going through a bad time. Switch off the engine. Tell her you need money. Put it in neutral. Explain why you need it. Push it down a cliff. Start crying.
Or you could cut the theatrics and tell her what’s up. Saves a lot of time and energy.
I know. It’s a fucking disgrace. Nobody likes to do it. It’s not the right thing to do. You might even have to hear about it for a year. But some of us have to. I had to ask my mom for money last year. Lucky for me, I needed the money to go home. I usually plan stuff out but this time something unexpected came up and I had to make the trip. She wanted to see me anyways. So I didn’t even have to beg. Once I got back, I thought to myself,” What do I do now? Do I give it back? She’ll never accept it. How about I turn it into a situation where I ‘NEVER’ have to ask for it again?. That sounds good”. Sounds corny but I definitely do not wish to be in that situation again and I never will be.
Pro-tip: If you do end up begging your mom for money, don’t harass her. After all, she gave birth to your sorry ass and that looser sibling of yours, which brings me to the next segment of this post:
How to ask your sister for money.
Its back. Fucking social-phobia is back in full swing. Everything was going fine. I was making friends. I was getting better at ‘small-talk’. I was mastering the art of socializing. But now, I’ve lost everything. I’ve been trying to find out what caused the sudden change. I ‘ve narrowed it down to two possible causes:
- Trip to visit family
- I got dumped
The trip back home sent me back to my comfort zone. I didn’t have to interact with strangers for one whole week. One week of harmless, friendly, familiar faces has unfortunately done a lot of damage.
And then I got dumped. In her defence, she was right about a lot of things! Anyways… it happened and I’m dealing with it. Fortunately, I now have an old guitar and a long beard to suit my current situation. To make matters worse, things are not looking good at work and my phobias have peaked. The moment I enter my apartment building, I find myself running to my apartment for fear of bumping into neighbours along the way. I had two panic attacks during the flight back from home. I couldn’t do anything else but play this track on repeat:
What I am trying to say is… life is not great at the moment but I do have my own ways of dealing with this sort of thing. Here are a few:
- I find the weirdest things to be uplifting. This animated short by the dudes at Dolby makes me happy(headphones recommended):
2. This amazing blog
3. This awesome person
4. This exciting place
Yes, that’s right. Absolutely nothing.