When I picture my future, I don’t see myself as a father, instead I skip straight ahead to be a grandfather. A grandfather, with his granddaughter and grandson walking through a supermarket, and buying candy. I am the coolest granddad there ever could be. I still have muscles, I am energetic, I swing my granddaughter around. It’s just the life man. I can’t wait to get old.
Tomorrow is Monday. The name Monday sounds so harmless. It is infact harmless. It is the day you wake and think “why exactly am I doing this again?”, but you put your clothes on anyway, and go about your day. Monday is in fact harmless. Nothing bad happens on a Monday. However you do get news of something bad coming up on a Monday. Bad things happen on a Tuesday or Wednesday for sure. I call them the devil’s days. Monday? No. Moday is just the messenger. Doesn’t Monday sound sweet, like a Mango? Doesn’t Monday sound like icecream? No, Monday is not the problem. The real problem is Tuesday and Wednesday. Get rid of those two days, and your life will turn blissful. What comes to mind when you think about Wednesday? “Your computer can’t be fixed. You need to replace the hard drive”. ” We’re out of chocolate cake, sorry!”. ” I want a divorce”. ” My dad got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer”. ” I want a solution by end of day”. ” We think the roadwork must have cut the cable”. These are just a few of the things you hear on a Tuesday/Wednesday. Now, when Thursday rolls around, things start to cool down. You see things like, people turning up late for work, a colleague eating lunch for breakfast, everyone just has a happy face. Nobody has that “I want to kill every thing ” vibe anymore. That’s when Friday rolls around. Now, Friday, my friends is the real weekend if you ask me. Because Friday is the day you come to the realisation that there is a weekend coming ahead. So your mind gets ready to relax. Friday is the real weekend. Nothing every starts on a Friday. Friday is the day to come back, to return to the real you. You ever think “it’s Friday night. I should do something.”? You call your friends, but everyone has their own plans. But then you call that friend you don’t like very much, but end up having a great time with them? That’s a Friday my friends. The weekend is a whole different story. I can’t write about the weekend. You cannot capture all the nuances of a weekend in a mere blog post. It needs to be a movie, shot using imax cameras, directed by Michael Bay.
You know the kind of cold I’m talking about? The kind that whips your ass when you sit down on the toilet in the morning. I don’t like it.
I sit in the theater, watching Joker for the second time. The last time I watched it, the person who I was with told me she was a little concerned that I liked the movie so much.
I also realized that I tend to blog more when I’m single. It really helps bring out my dark, miserable side, my best asset. This is what drives me to do stand-up comedy, to act weird in front of people, to be myself.
You hear about people who don’t like to watch horror movies because it ‘scares’ them, and you think “what a bunch of losers, they’re missing out!”
Today I learned that my worst fear is being made into a movie. It’s called Sound of Metal (title sounds pretty similar to another old movie that rich people used to hum in the kitchen). It tells the story of a budding drummer whose life falls apart once he realizes that he’s losing his hearing. Nightmare.
Spent a whole a day at home. No contact with the outside world (except for the delivery guy and a brief conversation with a friend over the phone). I am now sitting in front of the computer thinking, “why did this happen?”, or “why does this happen?”. I need to find an answer to this quick, or I feel like this could be a frequent thing. I know it’s not good for health, to stay indoors for such a long time. I know its not good for the brain either. Then why do I do it? What satisfaction do I get out of it? There has to be a really good subconscious reason as to why I do this. I know one thing for sure. I don’t feel that bad at the end of the day, but I do feel bad in the long run. I am outright lazy. I am responsible for my present condition. Tomorrow, it’s back to work.
Work, gym, Youtube
Work, practise, more Youtube
Work, concerts, even more Youtube
And the next weekend will come around with the blink of an eye. Weekend after weekend, days race past me with frightening speed. I can’t get a grip of it.
Day 990 in Kolkata, West Bengal
Humidity has peaked. I can feel my face melt while walking back from work. Saw a lady talking to a scooter today. Checked for earphones/Bluetooth. No wireless audio peripherals were to be found. I repeat, no wireless audio peripherals were to be found. Conclusion: lady with awesome tattoo on left forearm was having an intimate one-on-one with a vehicle.
Body maintenance is optimal. Other than being “approached” by two gay guys, I have had no issues at the gym. Started listening to “Tool” again. Did not have trouble catching up with their latest tracks as they have not released anything since 2006.
The time is now 11:30 pm. I am moments away from fortifying myself on my miniature sleeping apparatus, where I will most likely have flashbacks of past friends and family. Operation “Kraken Release” has proved helpful in socialising. I can now hold a conversation for a record time of 2.5 minutes with colleagues. Further research is required. I am hopeful for a better, brighter tomorrow with fewer panic attacks and more cheese burgers.
You order takeout. That’s what you need to do. Or go to your favourite restaurant and eat till you have to loosen your belt. Because you deserve it. You earned it. You can trust me (I can cut my own hair). Also, while you are at it, try to learn from your mistakes, you know, that sort of thing. My weekend didn’t go that well. Then it dawned on me to eat a nice burger. The very thought of eating my favourite burger was in itself an uplifting experience. In all seriousness though, don’t sweat at the small things. Life is much bigger than that, like a whole fried chicken. Enjoy life/bacon while you can. Also, don’t forget ice cream. That shit is literally happiness in frozen form.
Now, listen to this tasty jam I made
2018 is here! So many things to look forward to! Michael Bay has confirmed 14 more Transformers movies! Why?
Here are the highlights of the adventure that was 2017(highlights of my life. I don’t give a shit about others but feel free to comment!)
I have friends now. Real people. No bullshit, down-to-earth human beings who have a good sense of humour.
I don’t freak out at social events.
I have stopped talking to my sister. It’s my fault.
I have started talking to my mother. She seems like a very nice person. For now.
Discovered that my worst fear is not ‘Valak’ from the Conjuring, but unfaithfulness. This was confirmed after watching ‘The Entire History of You’.
Put a check on my YouTube addiction. Its great but it was consuming a huge chunk of my life. I used to be dependent on YouTube the same way people are dependent on Uber on New Years eve.
Stopped talking to colleagues. Working on it.
Got my own place. Its so empty that farts sound like a Gregorian church choir.
Joined a band. I don’t feel like an orphan anymore.
I have a good feeling about 2018. A vision is slowly becoming clear. I feel a warmth in my heart. Or it might just be a stroke.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It’s simple really. Before I reveal the answer, here’s a little backstory. Lets rewind to a few minutes before the engineer’s death. The engineer realises that everything he’s learnt, everything he’s experienced, everything he loved may soon be lost forever. This brings immense sadness to the inventor’s gentle heart. However, he remembers all the great scientists and YouTube videos about multiverses and the law of conservation of energy. This reignites the fire of curiosity in him for one last time. Our engineer has now successfully converted fear into curiosity. He is now curious to know what happens after death. This gives him the courage to meet death head on. However he starts to wonder why this shit is taking too long. Soon he realises that he can’t think properly and his memory is starting to fade. He can’t remember his favourite song. He cant remember any songs. He thinks to himself, “Oh well. I hope I get to meet dad at least”. He starts to find it difficult to breathe. Now he knows the time is near. So he opens his eyes for one last time, takes a look around the empty room and then slowly closes it with a smile on his face.
And then nothingness…
Oh common! You didn’t think that would be the end of it did you? That was too dark to accept!
The engineer wakes up from bed with tears rolling down his eyes and hopes it to god that the wetness in the pants are also tears. He jumps up from bed in astonishment only to hear his lame ass room mate yell “will you turn off that damn alarm? Don’t you have a job?” to which he gracefully replies “I JUST DIED YOU MOTHERFUCKER”.
I wish I knew what happens after death. I think death is the only thing in the world that can put a limit on imagination. I just thought the title was really cool!