Jokes

Ideas and suggestions by Curiosity

Ideas (meticulously thought out by Curiosity himself)

  • A boxing ring at the centre of your work place, that has a giant bell hung on top to signal the commencement of a no-holds-barred fight to the death.
  • Vegetables that taste like meat and meat that tastes like vegetables
  • A computer embedded in your brain that will replay all of your fondest memories in your mind during times of extreme distress.

Suggestions (taking suggestions from strangers is what got me through puberty)

  • If you don’t like reading books, try to make friends with someone who does. Doing this will help you stay away from books.
  • While sitting in a public place, move close to someone and pretend you got a phone call. Lower your voice while talking into the phone and say,” its contagious. Doctor says I shouldn’t be within 10 feet of anyone”.
  • The next time you see someone get abnormally angry, sad or frustrated, head over to them and give them a big hug. Then whisper into their ear, “I killed Mufasa”.

 

 

 

Tips for effective communication with your boss

Step 1: Think

Think about what exactly you want to say before you say it. Remember, all bosses are busy. So you need to keep it short. Also, don’t jibber jabber.

Step 2: Gather courage

There is nothing wrong in communicating your wishes/problems. It is a sign of growth.

Step 3: Go for it

While you walk into their room, depending on what kind of martial arts you are into, make an announcement in their respective language. For example, if you are into Karate, say in Japanese,” I am going to make you pay for all the horrors you made me go through”. Then, show them who’s boss. I recommend going with your best move first. Do it with confidence, with a smile on your face. It will create a lasting impression.

Note:

Step 3 is up for interpretation. It is upto the reader to decide if it is to be taken literally(Stanley Kubrick taught me this).

Disclaimer:

These are just jokes. The name of the frikkin blog is “Random Thought Beam” after all. So don’t try this at home. However, if you do end up beating up your boss, let me know how it goes. Put it up on your blog. Will be a fun read.

Museum of metal wonders

I went to an Archiological Museum. Did I spell that right? Archeology-cal? Archaeoloji. Ar…Ar… Anglican. Anyway… this museum had some unusual stuff in it. I reached the museum quite late. It was about to close. So, a security guard was assigned to guide/nag me through the entire museum. As you all know, I take my museum visits very seriously. So I explicitly stated that the guard maintain a distance of exactly three metres away from me at all times. Why ‘three’ you ask? Well, that’s none of your business. As soon as the receptionist understood that I had difficulty speaking Bengali, she began to shoot questions in English. “Are you South Indian? Where do you stay here? What did you have for dinner yesterday? What’s your blood type?”. You know…the usual stuff. I mean, she was very attractive. That’s probably why I panicked. After a short, uncomfortable conversation, I began the tour with my personal bodyguard.

There were extremely old paintings and pottery(7-14 century). Just as I was about to finish viewing the ground floor, motherfucker(guard) started to blow a damn whistle(probably to ask me to leave). Another guard heard this whistle and started to blow his own whistle. Within a few seconds, the whole fucking museum was whistling. I could see birds fly away from the roof. Motherfuckers were disturbing the wildlife.

As soon I got to the first floor, I knew it was a different scene. You see, there were these sculptures made of metal, kept in glass housings. They were sculpted in the 9th century. I hadn’t seen anything like it before. Figures sculpted with unimaginable level of detail and yet so tiny and realistic. That was not the impressive part. The figures were not of people or animals, rather it looked like something that was taken straight out of a Stephen King movie. There was a figure with an elephant’s head and a slim guy’s body(It had nothing to do with religion). It was holding a walking stick. It had a hunchback. It looked like it was dying. Then there were snakes, dragons and warriors that looked like trees, stuff that I have never seen or could have imagined. I was awestruck.

How could somebody think of that? How wild does ones imagination have to be to make something like that? Where did he get the idea from? Did an alien put it in his mind? Did he dream of it in his sleep? Did his day-to-day life affect the design of the sculpture in any way? Did his family approve of him spending so much time making figures that made no sense to common people? What was going on in his mind when he made it? How was he able to put an ‘idea’ into a sculpture? Does the sculpture mean something? So many questions.

I don’t have any pictures of the metal wonders because pictures were prohibited inside the museum. And I can respect that. All I have is a picture of a tree, from the museum’s garden.

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The metal wonders will always live inside my head. I do not need pictures of them.

On an unrelated note, I got a keyboard. Today is Day 4 with new keyboard.

Side note: I do not know how to play the keyboard.

Facing challenges

On April 28th, 2014, I fell in the toilet. At the time, I was living in a shared accommodation, while studying for my Masters. My roommates were quite the exciting bunch. There was a strange guy from Greece who was in his 40’s. He taught economics to PhD students. Then there was the guitar-player/loner from the U.K. who studied film and media. Lastly, there was a petroleum engineering student from China. Dude was from Shanghai and he had the best stories. The only time we would all hang out together was when there were meetings to discuss maintenance of the flat. For example, who was going to clean the toilet next. I made it a point to skip these meetings because as you all know, I belong to the upper class (sarcasm guys, sarcasm). However, one time, an emergency meeting was called because the shower drain got clogged with pubic hair. The economics guy was furious. He wanted to get to the bottom of this. I suggested DNA testing, to which the loner said “oh you’re definitely going to find my DNA in there. But its not the hair”. As we desperately tried to erase that picture from our heads I came to the realization that all of them were quite angry with me already for not taking the turn to clean the bathroom.

At times, life poses great challenges, guys. It is our job to scrape up the dog shit and fling it back at life’s face. So I finally decided to step up and be a man. I grabbed some tissues and floor cleaner, prayed to Isaac Newton and just went for it. After I had finished, I was in the mood for some fun. So I locked the bathroom door, whipped out my… phone and proceeded to play Temple run. A while later, I heard a knock on the door. It was the engineer. He said,” while you are at it, can you also get the cobwebs on the ceiling?”. Remember guys, I was determined to fling dog shit at life’s face. So I stood up on the toilet and started to clean the ceiling. But to my dismay, I slipped and…you can guess the rest of it.

Pool games

Back in the day,  my friends and I used to play this game called ‘watch hunt’, where we would set up a watch to chime once every minute and then drop it into the swimming pool. Whoever found the watch first, won the ultimate prize, which was, a chance to walk back home, safely, without getting beaten up. It was kind of a deep pool. So it was not that easy to win. It was so much fun! Except for this one time, when six of us went down the pool and only five came back up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s just jokes you guys! Don’t be weirded out. All six of us came back up. It’s just that… one of us wasn’t breathing.

For more childhood horror stories, please visit some other blog. Feel free to share some of your own horror stories. Comment below!

Visit to the eye doctor

Had to go see the eye doctor today because I sprayed lead in my eye. Life is a mystery, guys. It just keeps getting stranger and stranger. Incase you didn’t know, I am a total social recluse who is working on improving myself. So every opportunity I get to socialise, I force myself to go for it. So I did the most logical thing and hit on two junior doctors at the hospital. Lets just say I got ‘special’ attention because of that. The doctor was really nice. After staring into my soul for a few minutes, she concluded that I had an infection. 

Now that I have disgraced myself, lets move on to the fun part of the story, the part where I make friends. After seeing the doctor I decided to explore that part of the city(this whole incident took place at Salt Lake, Kolkata). Now, I don’t often make friends during my travels because, you know, people are terrifying. But this time, I met some jovial characters that I couldn’t resist making friends with. They were so chill that they didn’t mind me taking pictures of them. In fact, they were happy to hear that I would be writing about them on my blog. Without further ado, here they are.

 

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The “whoa there slow down” lion

 

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The Grasshoppers

The “whoa there slow down” lion is the golden guardian of the roads. He is a funny guy who shouts funny things like, “If you are in a hurry, drive slower”, “your children would rather see you come home late than see you arrive in a casket”, “sex can wait, spinal cord surgeries cannot”. He was sad to say that out of all the defaulters, Lions club members were the worst. We took a selfie too but I can’t show that here due to legal reasons. Onto the next gang, the merry Grasshoppers. The Grasshoppers are a funk/jazz fusion band. They were on tour. It surprised me to see that they didn’t have a drummer. No offence, they sounded great without one. They explained how the drummer had problems with drug abuse. They said he was particularly fond of something called “grass”, which was pretty ironic because all of them seemed to be made out of … you know… grass.

I need help.

 

 

 

Never give up

I once had a dream that I was in the back of a pickup truck with my parents and sister, driving through what seemed like a desert. The truck hit a speed bump and I rolled out the back. My family probably noticed it but they kept going and never came back. Meanwhile, in a nearby workshop, Ronald McDonald was having an argument with a biker gang for pulling his wig. One of the bikers came frighteningly up close and proceeded to insert skittles into his pocket. He then whispered into Ronald’s ear, “who’s that Pokémon?” He then crushed the skittles wrapper and left. A depressed Ronald found me lying on the road. He took me in. We setup a kickstarter to fund our new restaurant idea. It was a success, largely funded by religious extremists. As soon as we opened the restaurant we got sued by a damn fast food chain called McDonald’s. Luckily we had  little money leftover which we used to buy Bitcoin.