In 2010, I was a shy, Engineering student, living in Coimbatore. Most weekends, I would stay in my dorm room, and do NOTHING. Sometimes, I would go out, and get drunk. I liked to play the drums. I was good at it. So naturally, I found myself playing for one of the college bands. One day, I got a call from a guy, who tells me he’s looking for a drummer. I said YES. Long story short, I ended up playing for his band, and I had a blast doing it.
Now, lets talk about Simon. Simon is a friend from college. Simon has seen me play the drums. Simon went around town, hitting clubs, and socializing. Simon is an EXTROVERT. Simon, also liked music. Simon can talk to people. Simon is a people person. Simon has long hair. Simon is handsome, but most importantly, Simon is a good guy, because he went to a concert, and recommended me to one of the rock bands.
The next few years of my life CHANGED because of that one little gesture. I was playing in restaurants, colleges, even recorded a song. Then it all ended, but who cares? My life was awesome for a little while, and it was all thanks to long haired, extroverted Simon. I don’t even know if he’s still alive, but thank you, wherever you are.
Fuck fuck faaaaaak!
Shutting down is nothing new to me, but learning stuff from it, is. You know what it is? I think I can’t take socializing for more than two hours at a stretch. Two hours is my limit. After that it’s just a waste of time. No one wants to talk to me either. It’s such a mutual feeling. I think I have a socializing meter. Once it reaches it’s limit, it explodes. The explosion sends shock-waves to the parts of the brain that controls speech. For the first one hour, I am fine. I exchange fake smiles, maybe even get into mildly interesting conversations, but beyond that, I am done dude. My mouth gets sewn shut. I can’t even crack a fake smile. It’s like, people come up to me, and ask me if everything’s okay. Like the other day, I was at one of my best friend’s wedding, and I killed it for the first half hour. KILLED IT. I was unstoppable. I even made friends with the caterers.
It seems very childish. I am a grown, 30 year old man. I should be hosting parties by now, but no! I only host podcasts. You know why? I’m king of the jungle there. I am Mufasa, I am the Alpha and the Omega and sometimes even a Beta. Not a bottom, a beta.
I enjoy unfriending people on Facebook. If there’s some kind of hormone that gets released when you let people go from your life, I’m addicted to it.
I had a very sheltered upbringing, because my parents felt they fucked up with their first child. I remember, as a kid, I was open, expressive and honest. I knew I was weird. I never hid it. I knew people liked me being weird. I remember once, an older cousin commanded me to bring him a glass of water. So I peed in a cup and…you get the idea. I am not proud of it but, it’s a fun story.
Later on, all that changed. I grew quiet. I built an armour around me and I installed a filter on my mouth. I still have remnants of my old self though. Sometimes I’ll feel the urge to strike up a conversation with a random stranger when I’m drunk. The conversation goes really well until the alcohol wears off.
So now, I’m trying to release the Kraken; I am trying to bring back my old self. Turns out, it’s not that easy when you are 27 years old. People get offended very quickly. I can’t stroke a guy’s beard and tell him it “feels” good. I can’t stare into a girl’s eyes and tell her it reminds me of my dead dog. So I’ve toned down the approach. I’m trying out this new method, where I slowly reveal my weirdness and see if it plays out well. Hope I don’t get fired.
Ok…I give up. I can’t do it. I can’t talk to people. I don’t do well with colleagues, neighbours and most of all, family. Hell, I don’t even know how to give a decent reply to the comments I get here on this blog. It sucks. But I’m done wasting my life, trying to live a lie. I am what I am. It is time to embrace who I am. I am 27 years old, but half that age, mentally. I have a happy maniac trapped inside me. This Sunday, I will release the Kraken.
I hope I don’t get fired.
Men’s washroom at my favourite cinema
What if the cure for Cancer lies inside the head of a super-talented, brilliant kid who cannot afford an education? What if that kid is being abused by a family member?
What if we finally find out, we are alone in this universe after all?
What if dogs showed affection to their masters only because we artificially bred them to behave that way? Nah, that’s too dark. We live on a planet where burgers and rock music exist. It couldn’t be that bad.
Clip from last weekends jam with a new band
The reason why I used “wilderness” in the title is not because I trekked through a forest but because I trekked through a forest accompanied by three other human beings, which I normally don’t do. The super-introvert in me could never do such a thing but I did it just to see what it would be like and here’s what I’ve learned.
I’ve heard people say ,”you have to travel with people to really get to know them”. I agree with this. However I really think that you need to get to know people if you really need to get to know them. There’s no easy way to do it. So when I went trekking with a friend, her friend and a local, I learned the real reason why we humans are still classified as “animals” rather than something upper-class like “the engineers” or “centurions” 🙂 .
At 4:00pm today, I will be surrounded by 20 people, in a small room, for 4 hours. Sadly, it’s not going to be a gang-bang. I am not afraid. I have prayed to the god of social superiority(Deadpool).
After I got back from work today I played one of those exciting mind-games called ‘count the number of words you spoke today’. I counted. Maybe 100 tops. Most of it was to the cab driver. I wonder if blogging counts as talking. Probably not.
I’ve never made friends at a movie theatre. People in the audience always seem like like-minded people but you know…they could be on drugs(kids, this is what happens when your mind is messed up). So I’ve never interacted with them. I wanted to change that today. So I went to watch Black Panther with three main objectives in mind.
- Enjoy the hell outta of the movie
- Join a movie-gang
- Don’t get killed
Pretty easy right? Well, as soon as the movie started, my head decided to fix itself, looking only in the direction of the screen and my mind decided to leave my brain and immerse itself in Wakanda. From time to time I could hear conflicts in my head:
Voice of reason: You are literally surrounded by people like you. It is the best chance to make friends.
Me: I am here to see the King of Wakanda. Shut the fuck up.
I am a weirdo. I like the strangest things about movies. For example, my favourite scenes from the movie were(spoilers ahead. You deserve it if you still haven’t watched the movie):
- The very beginning of the movie explaining the story of Wakanda – Interestingly, the voice of the villain is the focus during the introduction. Large amounts of information explained visually in a short amount of time. I’m a big fan of that!
- Kid(villain) playing basketball sees the Wakandan aircraft leave – There are several reasons why I like this scene. First of all, it is the ambiguity of the situation. The kid gets a glimpse of the mysterious unknown. The scene is so beautifully crafted that it creates an impact in your mind.
- King’s aircraft fly over the grasslands(Wakanda reveal) – I have two words to express my feelings during this sequence- Holy shit. That’s what I call an ‘immersive’ experience. This is my kind of movie making.
- The music. This is what I liked about the movie the most. There is no music but there definitely is! Let me explain. During scenes like the one I mentioned above there are mainly just sounds. No music. Just sounds of a few instruments and it is amazing. Normally one would expect super-orchestral, heart thumping music during such sequences but the movie maker chose to make it different and wow! did he succeed! I felt the same vibe in Blade Runner 2049.