Today I’m going to try something fun. I am going to interview myself. I’m so excited!
Interviewer: Hello Curiosity
Curiosity: Hello doc… I mean interviewer
Interviewer: Why the name, Curiosity?
Curiosity: Because I’m curious about everything! Including your sexuality!
Interviewer: Ha ha ha (laughs uncontrollably, rolls down from the sofa, chokes on his own spit, and dies).
When I watch an interview, and the interviewee is an attractive woman, my interest in watching the interview drops a little if she reveals that shes’s not single. This is a problem. It is a defect. It needs to be sorted out, but what’s troubling is that it doesn’t end there. If it’s a guy who’s being interviewed, and he reveals he’s not single, I lose a little interest in him too (for different reasons). From what I’ve heard, this is a well known problem in the entertainment industry. It used to be a thing pretty early on, when managers used to ask the artists to keep their private lives ‘private’, and not reveal so much about their dating life so that the fans don’t lose interest.
It feels awkward. I know for sure that I have no chance of meeting this person in real life, but still I lose interest in them when I find out they are not single. I’m missing out on getting to know someone based on weather they are single or not. Wow, that’s fucked up.
In other news, somebody’s hand got stuck in the metro yesterday and …he’s dead. Now, I don’t know what happened. I didn’t see it happening. Maybe nobody knows what happened. What’s certain is that there has been an error on somebody’s or something’s part. The worst part is, if that little error was checked, a person would still be alive.
Do your research
What is the name of the company?
What do they do?
How many sex offenders currently work there?
Where is the bathroom?
Has anyone died in the bathroom?
Get comfortable. Own the environment
Begin the conversation with, “you may kneel and kiss the hand now”.
Say things that would peak the interest of the interviewers
Announce that you are going to perform a magic trick. Proceed to stab the table with a pencil. Announce that you are going to make the pencil disappear. Ask for a volunteer from among the interviewers.
It’s always a good idea to eat dried apricots before and after a job interview. That way, you’ll find something to do before and after you take the interview.
Most importantly, smile. Make sure you look someone in the eye while smiling. Continue smiling for one and a half minutes.
A few examples of what not to say during a job interview:
“You are appointed”
“I can cut my own hair”
“I was adopted”
How to respectfully decline a job offer
I’m allergic to whatever you manufacture
Therapist: Why are you here?
Curiosity: I am depressed. I’ve lost all motivation. I want to eat a lot and go to sleep. I do not want to deal with reality. I’ve tried my best. My dreams are never going to come true.
Therapist: (Face looks disgusted). That sucks. Why do you think your dreams are not taking shape?
Curiosity: Well for starters, I’m out of shape. I have to loosen my belt when I sit down, and I have to tighten it when I stand up. So every time I get up from a chair, I look like I am getting ready to strip. Some people find it amusing.
Therapist: Ok. What else is bothering you?
Curiosity: Well, I don’t have any friends. I don’t have a girlfriend, and I feel like I can’t do anything right. I mean…I start doing thigs but I never finish them. Like the other day, I bought a MIDI controller and tried to learn the keyboard, but then I lost interest. I formed a band, like a full frikking band, complete with a vocalist, a lead guitar, a base and drums. When I began to loose interest, the rest of the band bailed. I can’t finish reading a book. I can’t even read two pages of a news paper. My mind keeps swaying. I get panic attacks at work. I don’t sleep well. I stay up late. I am a big fan of midnight snacks.
Therapist: Hold it. Lets start there. Get some nice sleep. Go to bed early, and wake up early. Lets see how that goes. See you in a few days.
Curiosity: Unfuckingbelievable. Dude, I need help. Like, right now.
Therapist: You can hug me if you like.
Curiosity: Fuck no. I’ll come back. This better work.
The big reveal of the story is that I gave myself therapy.