Life is like a sneaker. No matter what brand of sneakers you use, you will find that it slowly fades away. It’s color, fades away. It’s logo, fades away. It’s sole, fades away. Everything on a sneaker will fade away one day. Everything, except for a stain. That shit will stay on forever.
The Pringles can.
A masterpiece of an invention. A pinnacle of human innovation. Packaging that keeps the contents airtight, free from moisture, nice and cozy. Look into its deep emptiness. Tell me what you see. It’s life, it’s infinity.
And then they make the lid too loose. Uh oh, that defeats it’s purpose. Someone fucked up, but I don’t complain, because the contents are chemical slices that will last a lifetime. Today the sky is cloudy, the crisps are soggy, life is momentarily disgusting.
Just thought I’ll share some of the FAQs for a trimmer I bought recently:
When was the last time you took control of your life? I’m not talking about a career or a relationship. When was the last time you did something so powerful, that …oh who gives a shit? Stay hydrated everyone!
I’m constipated, and I want to say some things before I go to the toilet. I want to talk about the pressure of it all. The vein on my forehead is visible from the other end of the dinner table. Back in the day, all it took was a banana, but now, things are different. The way things work is different. My life is different. Your life is different. We both got shit to deal with. Mostly me.
Movie trailers are ruining movies
Out of control social justice warriors are ruining social justice
Constipation is ruining my life
Why do all words that begin with ‘ju’ sound exciting?
Ju-wanna build a snowman?
We delve deep into the unknown. Do ghosts exist? Are you the ghost? Are the ghosts really aliens? Were you adopted? Stay tuned while we examine our childhood, and blame society for all our problems. What are you waiting for? Click the damn play button.
I bought my mom a Croissant because I think she deserves it for tolerating me. I also bought her a Danish because she’s been tolerating me for 8 months now. After buying said gifts, I walked back to the car only to see a sexy guy wearing shades taking pictures. It made me happy to see tourists back on the streets again. So I got in the car with a smile on my face, and then suddenly it clicked, the “tourist” was a cop and the “picture” was my number plate.
Guys, I knew this day would finally come. It was just a matter of time, since I have an affinity for these kind of things. I don’t know how to go about this. It might sound crazy to all of you, but I hope my personal experience sheds some light on this much debated topic. There’s no easy way to say it….
I’ve discovered time travel.
It happens when I pass through a glitch in the universe. It’s some sort of a gateway, and right now, it’s at the doorstep of the State Treasury Department. Stay with me. I went there to open a fixed deposit thinking it’s the right thing to do given the volatile nature of the current economy.
So I reached the gate of this magnificent building, and I see about hundred people waiting in queue to get in. Turns out, those are people being made to wait because they’re there to withdraw money. For people who want to deposit money, there’s a lady at the door welcoming you in right away with open arms, and she’s willing to show you around and stuff.
The moment you pass through those doors, you feel something’s different. You see people talking in a different accent, there’s flip phones, lots of wood, bottles of glue, there’s staff walking around without wearing any ID tags, it’s the real deal, and get this, the office “server” shuts down at 12:00 pm, which is like, standard operating procedure for establishments that existed in the 90’s. So post 12:00 pm, we go back even further in time to the dark ages where people yell at each other, and show hand-signals to communicate.
I had to go three times to this shit hole to open a frikkin fixed deposit, and I still haven’t even got the damn passbook yet. The year is 2021. Get your shit together, State Treasury.