There’s a few things I would like to address today, apart from the fact that I am rich now, and I have a new computer and a new phone. I would like to address all the people who were failed by the justice system. I would like to address the little kid who was punished by the teacher because some bullies set him up. I would like to address the countless zoo animals who live and breathe in captivity. Actually, the zoo animals don’t fit into this category but whatever. I would like to address the waiter who never got tipped because the chef was too slow at cooking. What all these people have in common is that they couldn’t prove their innocence. That’s what it comes down to, proof. The regular pack of Chocopies I ate today, had the extra cocoa ones in them. I have no proof of it now, because I ate it all. That’s what life does to screw you sometimes, it takes away the proof. All of a sudden the proof is NOT in the pudding. It’s gone. 30 years later, when you least expect it, the proof walks by you at a railway station, but now it’s too late. So you let the train go.
Life is like a sneaker. No matter what brand of sneakers you use, you will find that it slowly fades away. It’s color, fades away. It’s logo, fades away. It’s sole, fades away. Everything on a sneaker will fade away one day. Everything, except for a stain. That shit will stay on forever.
The Pringles can.
A masterpiece of an invention. A pinnacle of human innovation. Packaging that keeps the contents airtight, free from moisture, nice and cozy. Look into its deep emptiness. Tell me what you see. It’s life, it’s infinity.
And then they make the lid too loose. Uh oh, that defeats it’s purpose. Someone fucked up, but I don’t complain, because the contents are chemical slices that will last a lifetime. Today the sky is cloudy, the crisps are soggy, life is momentarily disgusting.
Just thought I’ll share some of the FAQs for a trimmer I bought recently:
When was the last time you took control of your life? I’m not talking about a career or a relationship. When was the last time you did something so powerful, that …oh who gives a shit? Stay hydrated everyone!
I’m constipated, and I want to say some things before I go to the toilet. I want to talk about the pressure of it all. The vein on my forehead is visible from the other end of the dinner table. Back in the day, all it took was a banana, but now, things are different. The way things work is different. My life is different. Your life is different. We both got shit to deal with. Mostly me.
Movie trailers are ruining movies
Out of control social justice warriors are ruining social justice
Constipation is ruining my life
Why do all words that begin with ‘ju’ sound exciting?
Ju-wanna build a snowman?
We delve deep into the unknown. Do ghosts exist? Are you the ghost? Are the ghosts really aliens? Were you adopted? Stay tuned while we examine our childhood, and blame society for all our problems. What are you waiting for? Click the damn play button.
I bought my mom a Croissant because I think she deserves it for tolerating me. I also bought her a Danish because she’s been tolerating me for 8 months now. After buying said gifts, I walked back to the car only to see a sexy guy wearing shades taking pictures. It made me happy to see tourists back on the streets again. So I got in the car with a smile on my face, and then suddenly it clicked, the “tourist” was a cop and the “picture” was my number plate.