Gift of nature

The Guava, or as I like to call it, the round banana, is a magical, spherical fruit. Green, the most natural color you can think of, is all painted all around this masterpiece. There is no other fruit that tastes like a Guava. It’s unique blend of tangy, fleshy, sweet taste is a treat in itself. A guava can be a great meal. Ever tried it with salt and chili? Ever tried Guava juice with salt and chili? Ever tried just salt and chili? Ever tried biting just the tip of the chili? It gives you the flavor, without the heat. I was once at a party that I was not invited to, and they kept serving these drinks that had salt and chili powder smeared onto the rim of the glass. I couldn’t stop drinking it until I looked like a pregnant woman. It was so good! Here’s another superpower of the Guava. Beautiful shits. Loose, and satisfying. You can plant a Guava tree in your backyard right now. Give it some time and before you even know it, your dog would have destroyed it. Here’s the only bad thing, the seed. I know, I know, it’s how science works, it’s the circle of life, blah blah, but you gotta admit, the seeds are a little annoying. They are tiny enough to get lodged in the gaps in between your teeth. Speaking of eating seeds, ever wondered why they don’t sprout in the stomach? Neither did I.

Fruits and festivals

I just had a vision of eating a banana, and finding out there’s mushrooms growing inside it. This year Puja is going to be lit. It’s going to be so fantastic, I am not even kidding, the BBC might even cover it. Sadly, I will not be here. I will be elsewhere on the opposite side of the country, deep in thought, in God’s own country. I intend to indulge in various types of seafood while I’m there. I find my people cordial and respectful, but they do stare at tits. They just can’t help it.

I found fungus in a lemon cake at Mongini’s. They took a picture of it for proof, but unfortunately I smiled in the picture, so now it conveys the wrong meaning. I wouldn’t be surprised if they used it for promotion.

The Jack fruit has got to be alien. There’s no other fruit like it. It’s round, it’s got spikes, and it kills people when it falls (it’s a thing, google it). It exists in various forms and oh my God, all of them taste heavenly. Be it a cake, pudding, deep fried or baked, the Jack fruit is the Jack of all fruits.

Yellow curve

As I sit here, clinging onto the last few minutes of Saturday, I wonder why the banana is such an underrated fruit. People talk about mangoes and apples, heck even pears, but none of these so-called fruits radiate class and sophistication like the banana. When people see me pull out a banana from my bag, on the street, they seem taken aback. I feel judged. I look them in the eye, and spit on their face. What is a banana? A banana is nutrition. A banana makes you shit like an athlete. A banana smells good. A banana fits in the side pocket of your back pack. A banana doesn’t need to be washed. A banana is cheap. A banana can be fried, boiled, mummified, tickled, used in suggestive advertising, or even gifted to elephants. When a band like Deep Purple decides to name an album after a bloody fruit, you know this shit serious.


Let’s talk about fruits

As a meat enthusiast, I tend to overlook, basically everything that is healthy. So this is my journey into the art of fruit-eating, after moving to North India. When I think about having a fruit, the first thing that comes to mind is a mango, because lets be honest, a mango is what paradise tastes like, not an apple, that shit sucks. But here’s the thing about mangoes. You have to pick the right one, there are so many, unnecessary kinds of mangoes out there. You have to wash it, peel it. You have to make sure there are no worms in it. Such a waste of time. I’m talkin, “raising a child”, kind of effort to eat a mango. Think about it. With all the time and energy you’ve wasted eating mangoes, you could have easily raised a child. I know…I’m blowing your mind right now. This is why I don’t have any friends. Anyway, my life changed the other day when I tried these


They are called lychees. I know, everyone knows. They taste like fruit from an alien planet. Remember that scene in Avatar, where the guy tastes the alien fruit for the first time? The movie sucked bigtime but the fruit was kickass. I imagine it would have tasted something like this. What blew my mind is, there’s no work involved in eating these things. You make a crack in the shell and then pop it into your mouth. Then enjoy as paradise melts. Now, guys, isn’t that the way life is supposed to be? Simple and satisfying? Am I asking for too much here? So kids, what I’m really trying to say is, a lychee is still a great tasting fruit without all the complexities. Be like lychee.