It is that time of the year where I start to feel human again. I start to feel love for other human beings. I close my eyes, and I see people smiling. Big, old, young, small, everyone’s smiling, even the awful ones. It is time to set aside differences, and do something nice. I wish everyone happiness.
I enjoy unfriending people on Facebook. If there’s some kind of hormone that gets released when you let people go from your life, I’m addicted to it.
I figured out why I like watching podcasts so much. By watching one podcast, and then watching another podcast run by one of the guests who appears on this podcast, I am basically doing what I am unable to do in real life, which is, making a friend circle, sort of. I am so deep into podcasts now, like it’s starting to get scary. I am in sync with Youtube. The second I walk away from the screen, ads start playing, and then when I come back, the frickin podcast is back on. I know that ad placement is upto the uploader but it’s like they’ve dropped the capitalistic approach, but only for me.
I came home today, sat in front of my computer, and for a whole half hour, imagined I had two close friends in Kolkata, like practically family. I’m talking, sharing-Netflix-password-level of friendship. I hadn’t decided on spending a half hour doing this, it just happened out of nowhere. It doesn’t help that I haven’t met anyone outside of work for the past month. It was bed-rest, hospital, work, home, work, home, movie theater, hospital, bedrest, work, home, nightmare. I haven’t been this alone since, never. And, when you’re alone, you start to use your imagination more. A friend’s mom once told me that life will not always be the same. There will be times of loneliness and reading books would help me get through it. It took me four years to finish the Godfather, and I loved it, but never again. It was something I took up during the first year of college, and immediately regretted it because I kept forgetting the characters, and their backstories (except for the very creative sex scenes), now, that’s what I call a ‘graphic novel’. Wait.. that’s not a graphic… anyway, it’s too much information, is what I am trying to say. A movie on the other hand, not a big deal. My attention span can deal with 2001: A Space Odyssey with zero trouble. I could watch that spinning bone for hours.
Installing a new app is basically like inviting someone new into your life. The only difference is that, an app has to ask for “permission” before going through your contacts or using your camera. People on the other hand, can just turn up and tear your life apart. I am not saying they will. I’m just saying they could.
The year is 2018. You can now report harmful apps. But then, there is also spam and malware. I’m just going to leave it there.
Back to YouTube
I had a very sheltered upbringing, because my parents felt they fucked up with their first child. I remember, as a kid, I was open, expressive and honest. I knew I was weird. I never hid it. I knew people liked me being weird. I remember once, an older cousin commanded me to bring him a glass of water. So I peed in a cup and…you get the idea. I am not proud of it but, it’s a fun story.
Later on, all that changed. I grew quiet. I built an armour around me and I installed a filter on my mouth. I still have remnants of my old self though. Sometimes I’ll feel the urge to strike up a conversation with a random stranger when I’m drunk. The conversation goes really well until the alcohol wears off.
So now, I’m trying to release the Kraken; I am trying to bring back my old self. Turns out, it’s not that easy when you are 27 years old. People get offended very quickly. I can’t stroke a guy’s beard and tell him it “feels” good. I can’t stare into a girl’s eyes and tell her it reminds me of my dead dog. So I’ve toned down the approach. I’m trying out this new method, where I slowly reveal my weirdness and see if it plays out well. Hope I don’t get fired.
I read a post on Reddit today titled “People who have friends. How?”. Simple question with complicated answers. Believe me when I tell you that this post was up-voted by thousands and thousands of people. So I assume that a lot of people could relate. Whenever I come across such posts , I feel the sudden urge to make a reassuring comment(even though I suck at this sort of thing myself). So being the social animal that I am, I make outstanding comments that often lead to me getting banned from commenting. Just kidding. My comments actually do really well. I usually get a good amount of positive response. I just don’t reply to them. Because you know…anxiety is a bitch. It bites you with specially sharpened surgical-knife-grade-teeth.
There were also questions like “why do I exist?”, “I am lonely, what do I do?” My advice- No one can give you a solution to your specific problem. You need to find that out for yourself. You need to try out new things until you find that special thing that makes you happy. What I can tell you are the things that I do to keep me sane. They are in no way ‘solutions’ to your problems but they might help. Wait a minute…why am I replying to a Reddit post on WordPress? Who gives a shit.
It might sound absurd but I’ve found travelling really helps. I feel like it awakens dormant parts of the brain and obviously you meet new people along the way(not me, I loose the ability to speak when I travel). Every once in a while I am reminded that I don’t have any friends. I’ve got a little trick up my sleeve for those situations which is, I pack my bags and leave. Yup. I just leave. I go on short trips. I take the train, I walk around, I smell the air, I eat the food, I take a leak, I take some pictures(without disturbing others), then I come back home and I write about it(LIKE A BOSS). And somehow, I hate the world a little less when I get back. I feel like there are good people out there.
The only person I could talk to, the happiest person I know, one of my best buddies, left the office today. Now, I know this is part of life. It’s not supposed to be a big deal. People come. People go. However, some of them create an impact on you so deep that when they’re gone, you feel a vacuum in your head. To be honest, it kinda hurts…you know? It really does. Ha ha. I never thought I would ever say shit like this ever in my life. I mean, this girl knew the type of music I listen to, the kind of girls I like, everything! She was the one person who I could talk to with no filter on. She was a bitch when it came to working together though!
I am super proud of her. The only thing I could equate her to is a knight. A frikkin knight. She’s endured a lot of pain in her life but she flew past all of it like a pro. And now, she’s taking the next big step in her life. I have learned quite a few life-lessons from her. For that, I am grateful. I will never forget her.
I’m not gonna weep over this shit. I’ll watch a standup special or Conan O’Brien and that will be end of it. All I wish for is to meet people like her in the future. You know… humble, creative, happy human beings. For now, I have the voice in my head.
Side note: The voice in my head does not have a gender.
I am now at a point in my life where I do not feel like reading the paper after I get home from work. Instead, I have this urge to look at old pictures of me hanging out with my friends. But I will never do that because I am not a pussy. Fuck feelings. More YouTube.