A healthy diet of oil, bread and cheese, over the course of two months have resulted in a net weight-loss of 15 Kg. No, it’s not cancer. I have to admit that this was accompanied by a daily routine of intense one-hour workouts while listening to Queen (I will explain in a later post how listening to Queen can help improve the production of hormones). Let’s just say some serious chiseling has taken place. I look like Picasso. Like, I literally look like him. Google it (not the young one). No offense.
It’s all about quantity, people.
You know what sadness is? It’s when you realize that a 5km walk burns at the most 360 calories. Never expect too much, kids. The world, nature, everything is out to ruin us.
People at the gym, who grunt and scream while lifting weights, especially when the ladies are around, should be eliminated. They ruin my Ballet music.
I came close to popping an artery today, at the gym. As soon as I felt the pressure building up in my head, I heard a voice. It was my friend, Sir David Attenborough. “The Giraffe’s blood pressure is higher than any other known animal”, he said. I slowly rose up from the abs-work-out thingy and sat up straight. David continued, “This great pump(the giraffe’s heart) produces blood, squirts it up the artery to the head, and then when it comes down through the jugular vein, there are pocket shaped valves which prevent the blood from flowing backwards into the head, if the animal lowers its head in order to have a drink”.
I will never forget the days I spent watching the Discovery channel, listening to Mr Attenborough’s voice. He was genuinely excited to show the viewers how interesting nature really is. I remember spending hours in front of the TV, watching his shows in awe(I hadn’t discovered porn yet). Thank you Mr. Attenborough, for planting the seed of curiosity in so many people.
“I just wish the world was twice as big and half of it was still unexplored”
– David Attenborough
When I’m at the gym, I think about food. Mostly pizza and burgers, but today, a culinary surprise popped up in my head. Are you ready for this?
Cauliflower/broccoli with cheese. That’s it. Hear me out. You don’t have to fancy it up with meat or sauces. Just pure vegetarian goodness. Frying the Cauliflower and putting some cheese on top would be too conventional. Lets switch it up. Boil that shit. Boil the Broccoli so that all those kickass nutrients stay inside. Then bathe it in cheese. Melt that cheese and pour it on the Cauliflower like a spaceship hovering over the Amazon. Actually, I change my mind. Fry it with some onions, pepper and salt. Don’t deep fry it. Just make it crisp enough so that it doesn’t feel like fresh vegetables. Basically, do everything that needs to be done to make it not taste like fresh vegetables.
I sleep on a storage bed, the kind with the drawer underneath, that rolls out smoothly, without making any noise. Sometimes, when I go to sleep, I wonder if a demon carrying a sword will slide out of the bed while I’m sleeping.
Sensible me: “I need to get more sleep”
Sleep deprived me: “One more reason to restart kickboxing lessons”
Here’s a fun list of things that have been troubling me as of late
- Inability to fulfill my dreams
- Deteriorating relationship with remaining members of my family
- Unhealthy relationship with isolation
So I took the day off, and left for the hills
Over the years, I’ve realized that, the moment I start to fuck up my life, a whole new level of appreciation for nature emerges out of nowhere! I’ve heard people say that travelling helps clear the mind. I don’t agree with this. I think it helps to bring clarity to your thoughts. Plus, travelling is exercise one way or the other. So it’s quite natural that you feel better after travelling. I’m no scientist, just saying.
To quote the great poet Bruce Dickinson, Run To The Hills.
Colleague: “I have the kind of health issues that don’t show up on medical test reports”.
Me: “Its okay. I sometimes get awkward boners during lunch breaks. They don’t show up on test reports either”.
That sums up almost everything I wanted to say in this post.
In other news, I almost got killed today by a sewer pipe.
Damn thing collapsed a second before I was going to walk underneath it. Right after it happened, the construction worker looked at me like, “well, thank god!”. I’m like,”mmmmotherfucker!. You almost crushed a living legend”.
To celebrate the fact that I escaped death today, I decided to do something out of the ordinary. Being the dare devil that I am, I decided to ‘step out’ of the house. More specifically, I decided to re-join the gym. As you all know, I am a fitness freak. When it comes to fast food, I maintain a strict ‘no burgers, no pizza’ rule on all leap years.
The instructor was happy to see me. He asked me why I quit going to the gym in the first place. I explained to him the hardships that a single, middle-class, straight, stellar looking guy in his late 20’s has to face. However, I hid the fact that I was bullied by two little girls at the gym.
Once, I joined an after-school programme for athletics training. It was during that time that my PE teacher encouraged me the most. He said,” Run away Curiosity, run away, and never return”. Wait…that’s Lion King. Anyway… it was good advice.