I’m quite terrified at how quickly my job is turning into a horror movie. The other day I was at a meeting, and the boss looked at us dead in the eye and said, “you should be scared, really really scared”.
fear
Contact
My mom once jokingly told me that she and my sister are fascinated by the idea of trying to establish contact with the dead, using “magic”. When she told me this, I realized how much she misses my dad. I thought to my self, “it could have been much worse. This isn’t that bad. Its just harmless witchcraft”. But after watching that movie “Hereditary”, FUCK NO.
I don’t believe in this shit. I am not that kinda guy. If I get an email saying “you have won a free astrology session with world renowned astrologer, Dr. Dolittle”, my first reaction would be to contact my email provider and tell them their spam filter is a piece of shit.
Releasing the Kraken
I had a very sheltered upbringing, because my parents felt they fucked up with their first child. I remember, as a kid, I was open, expressive and honest. I knew I was weird. I never hid it. I knew people liked me being weird. I remember once, an older cousin commanded me to bring him a glass of water. So I peed in a cup and…you get the idea. I am not proud of it but, it’s a fun story.
Later on, all that changed. I grew quiet. I built an armour around me and I installed a filter on my mouth. I still have remnants of my old self though. Sometimes I’ll feel the urge to strike up a conversation with a random stranger when I’m drunk. The conversation goes really well until the alcohol wears off.
So now, I’m trying to release the Kraken; I am trying to bring back my old self. Turns out, it’s not that easy when you are 27 years old. People get offended very quickly. I can’t stroke a guy’s beard and tell him it “feels” good. I can’t stare into a girl’s eyes and tell her it reminds me of my dead dog. So I’ve toned down the approach. I’m trying out this new method, where I slowly reveal my weirdness and see if it plays out well. Hope I don’t get fired.
Introvert meets people
At 4:00pm today, I will be surrounded by 20 people, in a small room, for 4 hours. Sadly, it’s not going to be a gang-bang. I am not afraid. I have prayed to the god of social superiority(Deadpool).
Speaking up
While coming back from work today, I saw a hand pop-up from a crowd on the sidewalk, signalling the auto-rickshaw to stop. It was just me and a lady in the rickshaw. There was room for one more. So the driver pulled over. As the person emerged from the crowd, the driver realized that this person is a little overweight. The driver looked at her and boom! just took off before she got in. Now kids, this is where you should go,” hey asshole, stop the damn rickshaw and let her in. I’ll sit in the front seat”(this is allowed here. I don’t know why, but yes, it is allowed), but I didn’t say anything. I just sat there with words stuck inside my head, trying not to make eye-contact with anyone for fear of “conversation”. Kids, I am what they call, a pussy. But I’ll tell you one thing for sure. This won’t happen again. Yeah that’s right. Testosterone is gonna erupt the next time I see this happen 🙂 .
Choices
Do I do it?
or
Do I don’t?
Life choices: we’ve all had to make them. It is a difficult process. I wish I could tackle it like Two-face, with the flip of a coin, but I can’t. Because I, unlike Two-face, am real. I have to live with the consequences. I can’t buy a house and forget about maintenance. I can’t move to another country and not adapt to the new environment. I can’t join a course and hope to pass. I can’t marry a girl and…wait…now it’s getting way too comical. Anyway, I have a suggestion. Don’t let “fear” guide your decisions. When making any decision, you should lead with optimism and end with contemplation.
Sorry for misleading you but this whole post was actually about me deciding weather or not to get a keyboard. If you are struggling to decide on something serious like getting a divorce or a car or a baby, you should probably seek advice from qualified professionals. Don’t mess it up. Never forget- Life is serious. Also, hail Deadpool.
On an unrelated note, last Tuesday, my neighbour finally admitted to being a time traveller. It happened after his daughter found 1950s porn hidden inside their “tax-documents drawer”.
Breaking the glass
No jokes in this post. Seriously, no jokes.
When the weekend finally rolled in, I wasn’t feeling well. So I decided to kick back and rest. I ended up not talking to anyone for a whole two days. I didn’t go out either. But then, Sunday night came along and I thought I should probably start cooking. So I cleaned myself up and went outside to get some ‘utensils’. I knew a shop nearby. It had giant glass doors in the front. So you could see everyone inside. I thought to myself, “whoa! that’s a lot of people”. I suddenly felt a little uncomfortable. All of a sudden I didn’t want to go inside. It was like there was an invisible force-field preventing me from getting through. Seeing all those people through the glass doors made me anxious. But it didn’t make sense. I do this all the time. I couldn’t figure out what the problem was. What’s even more fucked up was, when I tried to force myself in, I felt a strange pain inside my head. Like, actual physical pain. This scared me a little. I remember feeling this way only when I experience extraordinary amounts of anxiety. The people inside the store started noticing me. So I thought, “the heck with it”. I pushed the door open and I went inside. I couldn’t look at people’s faces and I didn’t end up buying anything but I felt slightly relieved.
I’ve learned one big lesson today. Fuck stores. Just get it online. I’m kidding.
If I don’t go out for a long time/interact with people, I forget how to socialize. It won’t happen again.
Return of the dragon
Its back. Fucking social-phobia is back in full swing. Everything was going fine. I was making friends. I was getting better at ‘small-talk’. I was mastering the art of socializing. But now, I’ve lost everything. I’ve been trying to find out what caused the sudden change. I ‘ve narrowed it down to two possible causes:
- Trip to visit family
- I got dumped
The trip back home sent me back to my comfort zone. I didn’t have to interact with strangers for one whole week. One week of harmless, friendly, familiar faces has unfortunately done a lot of damage.
And then I got dumped. In her defence, she was right about a lot of things! Anyways… it happened and I’m dealing with it. Fortunately, I now have an old guitar and a long beard to suit my current situation. To make matters worse, things are not looking good at work and my phobias have peaked. The moment I enter my apartment building, I find myself running to my apartment for fear of bumping into neighbours along the way. I had two panic attacks during the flight back from home. I couldn’t do anything else but play this track on repeat:
What I am trying to say is… life is not great at the moment but I do have my own ways of dealing with this sort of thing. Here are a few:
- I find the weirdest things to be uplifting. This animated short by the dudes at Dolby makes me happy(headphones recommended):
2. This amazing blog
http://nolightwithoutdarkness.com/2017/12/27/how-im-coping-with-social-anxiety/
3. This awesome person
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nikola_Tesla
4. This exciting place
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acharya_Jagadish_Chandra_Bose_Indian_Botanic_Garden
My first Dolby Atmos experience
Warning: This post will derail into several unrelated topics. Let the adventure begin!
Date: November 12th 2017
Time: 10:30 pm
Movie: Thor Ragnarok a.k.a. Rainbows
Audio configuration: Dolby Atmos
Seats: 240
Viewers: 15
Depression level: mild
Popcorn: chilly cheese
Verdict: Meh. Auro 3D wins.
It was nice to see a good mix of loners and couples in the audience. Despite being a loner myself I was slightly uncomfortable with the close proximity that some of the other loners maintained with me. So I gently got up, went to the restroom, came back and sat in a completely different seat(like a man). It was interesting to see that all the loners had also left the hall, possibly to use the restroom. What was even more interesting to see was upon returning they looked around for me and sat right next to me again. I felt like a shepherd who came to watch Thor with a flock of sheep. I wasn’t threatened however. Most of them were nerds like me. Its easy to spot nerds and weirdos. Nerds keep checking their “notification-free” blank phone screens while weirdos secretly stare at people. I guess that makes me a weirdo too. Learning everyday! Back to the topic. I did not feel very enveloped in sound which is the whole point of ATMOS. The quality of audio I experienced does not justify the extensive use of expensive, high quality speakers. Maybe the audio was “too real”. I don’t know. I am aware that the audio in Thor is not great but I feel the whole ATMOS thing was overhyped. I guess movies need to be mixed properly to take full advantage of ATMOS system. I am obsessed with surround sound. It might be because I am a homebody. However I think it plays an important part in todays cinema.
My theory on why surround sound is important:
Movies are getting realer. That’s not a real word but its true. We like it when there are “real” emotions, real weather and obviously, real sound. And for sound to be real, it has to come from all directions. It has to envelope the listener and take them on a journey away from reality. Wait… that contradicts what I just said but you get the point. This might come as a surprise to many movie enthusiasts but natural sound is surround sound at its best. Yes, I am talking about the sounds that you hear everyday. Take a moment and think about the sounds you hear everyday. Replay them in your head. I’ll help with a few examples from my exciting life:
- The sound of the alarm that reminds you everyday that there’s no escape. Even with your eyes closed you are able to make out in which direction the sound from hell is coming from. All it takes is a little fumbling around with the hands on the table, making way through all the antidepressants, bills and maybe a drop of the cellphone until you finally feel the familiar snooze button.
- Annoying roommates ,their radio and their general happy mood. For some reason, your roommate thinks the only way to spread joy is to make sure that her favourite DJ’s voice reaches aliens clearly.
- Neighbourhood dogs
- Thunder- You might have noticed that these types of sounds create uneasiness in the mind. Other examples include tremors, storms, etc. Studies have revealed that we are pre-programmed to dislike or fear these type of sounds as they signal danger. Just another gift of evolution.
- Drunk people in the night
- Lovers whispering
- Occasional hip hop fan driving by with the windows wide open, spreading happiness in his own way
What all of these sounds have in common is that you can localize the source without having to actually see them. We need the same effect in movies. This is what Dolby, DTS, Auro 3D,etc. have been trying to replicate for years. Stay tuned for my next post- “Stereo, I don’t hate you”
What happened to me?
“Speak your mind man”, said my boss after discussing my salary. “Dude, if I spoke my mind you would need therapy to get your normal life back”.
Its not just him. Its everyone. Family, friends, strangers. “Speak up. Let it out”. I actually do not have any fear of speaking. It is what I say that I am afraid of. All of these people who say “Speak up. Its ok. You can tell me anything” will just run away if I start talking because I am a real person. I don’t sugar coat things. I say things as they are.
However, I also tend to say a lot of random nonsense that I consider to be “jokes”. These have some sort of a magical property of repelling people away instantly. Its quite useful sometimes.
I am extremely lucky to have a handful of friends with whom I can “speak my mind”. But fuckin “life” comes in there too and fucks it up for everybody. I wish I could live with my friends for ever. No, there’s nothing gay about it. Hell, we don’t even live in the same country anymore.
I’ve never had this trouble until I reached high school. Because until then, my mouth did not have a filter. I used to speak my mind. It was also during this time that I had friends. Many friends. Aha! Eureka!
Random Thought Beam 