blog

It takes a lot of energy to think. It takes just as much energy to think as much as a workout. It’s a muscle too, just like the dick, and it’s one of the main reasons why I haven’t done much thinking for the past five years. When I was a kid I did a lot of thinking. I used to think like, did I do the right thing? Was the principle of it right? What is the actual root of the problem? How else would it have played out? It’s like there was lot of free space in the head, to think. Now, it’s mostly medication, depression, worrying about the future, meditation, trying to find peace, no jerking off, aggressively defending myself from bullies, and Youtube.

The ATM

Why are companies trying to push their editing software on us? There’s grammarly, wordpress, now even Microsoft is in the game. Every now and then I get a notification saying “get Microsoft editor for free and write like a pro on the web”. Let me tell you something Microsoft, I AM a pro on the web. I don’t need you to correct my spelling or grammar. It’s what makes me think and be creative. If you take that away, then I lose my uniqueness. I will make errrors. I will mess up speling. Actually, I don’t mind you fixing the spelling. Keep doing that.

There’s an ATM machine that I walk by everyday from work, and I see water leaking from it everyday. Then I noticed it was coming from the windows. There was so much condensation on there, it looked like a waterfall. I think the AC is set to “oh shit”. Let me tell you the climate of Kolkata. It’s tropical. Humid, rainy, hot, not that great. Now imagine walking into a freezer. From 30 degrees straight to maybe 10. I see people walking in and out of there very quickly, like unusually fast. Is this some kind of ploy to get people out quickly? Also whatever happened to the security guards at these things? Frozen? Does the cash-refill team now have to do everything by themselves? It does look like the start of an action movie whenever those guys arrive. A van parks close and people who look like a SWAT team come out with guns, and everything is a hush hush operation. It’s difficult to say if the ATM is being robbed or replenished.

When people wearing glasses enter this ATM, they come out blind. It looks like dead people walking out of a freezer. This has been going on for maybe a week? I could just call the bank, but this is so much fun. This is not the first time this ATM has done strange things. One day, I walked in and I swear to God, a voice from above said “please take your mask off” in Malayalam. IN MALAYALAM! A language that is spoken thousands of kilometers away (kilometers and kilometers), literally on the other side of the country. That lady had no business speaking in Malayalam here. Granted, it was a recorded message, but the odds of me (a native Malayalam speaker) being asked to take my mask off, when all this while they’ve been asking us to keep it on, is quite astounding. And yes, at first I did go to the extent of thinking they scanned my face, worked out my ethnicity, and spoke to me in my native language, whereas it could have been just a simple programming error. I don’t know why I think these things.

Eat sleep repeat

I saw two ants walk by on the puddle-filled walk way back from work. If I had stepped on either one of the two, it would mean their death, but how significant would that death be? To the other ant, might be a great loss, but to the other clueless people walking by it’s not a big deal. Then I reached the exit gate, and lo and behold I see people walking back home from work. Tired, sweating, one behind the other in a line, just like the ants.

New things on YouTube

Some of the things YouTube has been suggesting me as of late is “bikini try-on videos (makes a lot of sense) a ton of podcasts, and “Van life”. And all of a sudden, living in a van is the most economical/smart/adventurous way to live. People who live in regular homes, go kill yourself cos Vanlife brings you closer to nature. It teaches you how to sleep in parking lots, and how to ask your mom for money. Also, it always has to be done solo. The moment you bring in a boyfriend, people stop watching your videos. Even mentioning the fact that you have a partner will make you lose subscribers because all the world wants is companionship. No one wants to hear about your lovey dovey life. That’s what most of us are trying to escape from. Just keep wearing short shorts and do yoga or something.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s me doing a character or do I actually believe the stuff that I am writing. Either way, have a wonderful day.

The third wheel

Today’s post is dedicated to all the computer mouses that were dumped due to a faulty “scroll wheel”. The mouse is a very primitive device. It is a direct link between you and the computer. In the beginning it only had one button. You move and click. Then came the double click. Then came the left and right buttons. Then another button that no one used. Then, as a crown of its achievements, it was awarded with a wheel that helped scroll through pages. What an innovation! It made scrolling through Facebook feel like a slot machine, always giving you hope of something better below the screen. The problem with the scroll wheel however, was that it stopped working after a while. It was always the first thing to go on a mouse. Then people had the wonderful idea to incorporate a button in the wheel, by making it clickable. So now we have a wheel and a button that doesn’t work. I have to give it up for the creators of the wheel though. It definitely gave you a sense of control. It stopped pages from sliding away, but then again it sucked! It would always malfunction, and just because of that, people would dump it for a new mouse. Also, no one repairs mouses. It’s one of those things that no one bothered to do because of the obvious cost vs effort problem. I myself am struggling with a wheel, and I am considering getting a new mouse. I grew so attached to the wheel! I can’t picture a world without scrolling. Click-to-scroll is a joke. The scroll bar kinda helps, but the real power lies within the wheel. That precision, that control, that uncanny ability to hide pictures when someone passes behind you. It’s like magic. Notice how it takes control of a volume slider? Makes you feel like an airplane pilot when you increase the volume using a wheel, doesn’t it?. Notice how phones are slowly becoming one handed? The mouse was a pioneer in the game way back when. You can operate an entire computer with just a mouse. Think about that for a second.

Fruits and festivals

I just had a vision of eating a banana, and finding out there’s mushrooms growing inside it. This year Puja is going to be lit. It’s going to be so fantastic, I am not even kidding, the BBC might even cover it. Sadly, I will not be here. I will be elsewhere on the opposite side of the country, deep in thought, in God’s own country. I intend to indulge in various types of seafood while I’m there. I find my people cordial and respectful, but they do stare at tits. They just can’t help it.

I found fungus in a lemon cake at Mongini’s. They took a picture of it for proof, but unfortunately I smiled in the picture, so now it conveys the wrong meaning. I wouldn’t be surprised if they used it for promotion.

The Jack fruit has got to be alien. There’s no other fruit like it. It’s round, it’s got spikes, and it kills people when it falls (it’s a thing, google it). It exists in various forms and oh my God, all of them taste heavenly. Be it a cake, pudding, deep fried or baked, the Jack fruit is the Jack of all fruits.

Water world

Two weeks ago, when I came home from work, I found two inches of water on my bedroom floor, living room, and another bedroom. The reason why I am able to talk about this, and remain calm is because I am on medication. We couldn’t identify the source of the leak (me, two drunk plumbers, and a security guard). My best bet is on the toilet bowl. I have seen it turn into a fountain from time to time. It’s like that elevator scene from the Shinning, except it’s shit water. I am not kidding. Water shoots up from the toilet bowl into the air and is accompanied by a loud sound, like an explosion. Now, why this happens is not a mystery. It has to do with the movement of water, and the art called plumbing. There is good plumbing and there is bad plumbing, and although I am feeling the need to make jokes of the sexual nature, I am going to refrain myself because I am feeling depressed. What’s even more mysterious is that that night, I got a call from a man with a beard. What makes it mysterious is that this bearded man always calls me when I am in deep shit. I explained to him that one of my nightmares had come true. I was sitting on a bed, surrounded by water. If a bird had come sat on my head, the portrait would have been complete. It would have looked like one of those movies on Mubi. Yet, I talked to my friend happily. I was calm. I was happy that he had called. We laughed. I made him uncomfortable with a lot of inappropriate humor. He calmed me down. Is he a messenger from God? Have I met him in a past life? Is there a mild possibility that he was my wife in the past life? Is he a guardian angel? Does he just want to profit off of my mental illness? Time will tell, but until then, I want to leave you all with a new quote I’ve been working on. “Time and tide will wait for no man”.

Reward

Every once in a while when life knocks you down like a mischievous third grader, God comes into my life bearing gifts. My uncle used to do that when his daughter didn’t get along with her cousins. She would rage-quit from time to time by putting the video game in flight mode (she threw the console). Then my uncle would take her out, and buy her toys. At the end of the day we would make up, and I got to play with her toys(is it just me or does ‘toys’ sound increasingly sexual as you get older?). So my point is, life works in mysterious ways. Dark things happen, but then you get darker things in return. Take dark chocolate for example.

This is a new variant from my friends at Lotte. It’s the choco pie with 63% more cocoa. More cocoa than what? The people at Lotte are smart enough to put that on the packaging too. “63% more cocoa than our regular choco pie”. The sincerity in this statement is making me emotional. I grew up in a household where love was withheld for fear of spoiling the children. I felt deceived. For someone like me, a statement so sincere, that too upfront on the the packaging, is overwhelmingly beautiful. The day is not far where I see myself writing love letters to the people at Lotte. Love has to be given back. And I am sure they won’t find it to be gay because I know for a fact that the people working there are woke as fuck.

Branches

There are two types of Cancers. One that is passed on to the next generation as a result of defects in the genes, and the other, is kind of a psychological cancer that is passed on from generation to generation. The latter has several subcategories like behavioral, way of thinking, etc, which are further sub-divided into Ego, self esteem, bottling up of emotions, etc. These things fester like wildfire. Arresting them is a humongous task, but if we don’t do it, it would be a crime we are committing towards the future generation.

Relax

Every single day of my life I listen to the song Hotel California 3 to four times a day. This is not by choice. The song plays in the background at work. Its been on a loop for the past three or four months. The thing is, no one ever gets tired of Hotel California. No one’s going to come and say “stop this. this isn’t music”. It just doesn’t happen. In fact, its the opposite. I see hippie wannabes flock together when they hear this song. My dad loved this song. Since I’ve been listening to this song on a loop now, I’ve had some time to think about it ,and read about it. The internet says the song is about drug addiction. I’m sure the artist being an artist has left it to the listener to interpret the song however they want. What I gather from this song is the feeling of being trapped by your own desire. The line “you can check out any time you like but you can’t ever leave” is frightening to me. It’s like, you are free to do whatever but you really aren’t. Today it struck me. This song is about me being stuck at my dead end job/life. Holy fuck. What a revelation. And now its playing in my head. I can’t get the song out of my head now. I just realized this, but the song’s been playing in the back of my mind even when I am outside of work. When I am walking on the street, when I am buying groceries, when I am writing this blog, when I go to bed. I was walking near Exide today, and this song started playing while I was crossing the road, like midway. Any thought that comes to mind while you are crossing a street can’t be good. There’s traffic, there’s smoke, there’s people yelling, there is no moment of clarity there. Sure, that’s when a lot of people spot their soul mates in movies, but even then one of them is completely oblivious to the fact that some one is staring at them, and they are always in a hurry for some reason. No two love birds have met while casually walking on the street, not in the history of film. “Relax, said the nightman, we are programmed to receive” This reminds me of the Overlook hotel from The Shining. I thought the scene with the bartender was amazing. Anytime someone says “relax” during a tense situation, it just makes it worse. Imagine being in a bathtub but the world is on fire.