This is the elaborate packaging my laptop’s battery came in. I would be surprised if my own coffin had so much padding. My computer is over 10 years old. It has seen and heard so many things. It has been through a master’s course and 7 years of my first job, and it has not had one bit of jizz fall on it, ever. I am proud of myself for that. It has been through battle. It was attacked by a family member, and ended up with a shattered screen. It once flew out of my hand when the car hit the breaks. Ended up with a mother board failure. The doctors were always able to bring it back to life somehow. But now, it’s different. I see the early signs of Parkinson’s. It also doesn’t have a battery. So today I went to the electronics market, and there I saw hundreds of guys and girls deeply engrossed on their phones. It was like they couldn’t,t believe what was on the screen. Customers weren’t a concern to these people. They shooed them sway like flies. Some of them even refused to hear what I had to say. Then finally, a beautifully middle aged man and his twin brother dug out an ancient battery. It was sealed, and in pristine condition. So now’s my chance. The great Indian sale is going on and papa is going to score a computer. This old fella will be exchanged for a descent 9000 Rs.
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Gift of nature
The Guava, or as I like to call it, the round banana, is a magical, spherical fruit. Green, the most natural color you can think of, is all painted all around this masterpiece. There is no other fruit that tastes like a Guava. It’s unique blend of tangy, fleshy, sweet taste is a treat in itself. A guava can be a great meal. Ever tried it with salt and chili? Ever tried Guava juice with salt and chili? Ever tried just salt and chili? Ever tried biting just the tip of the chili? It gives you the flavor, without the heat. I was once at a party that I was not invited to, and they kept serving these drinks that had salt and chili powder smeared onto the rim of the glass. I couldn’t stop drinking it until I looked like a pregnant woman. It was so good! Here’s another superpower of the Guava. Beautiful shits. Loose, and satisfying. You can plant a Guava tree in your backyard right now. Give it some time and before you even know it, your dog would have destroyed it. Here’s the only bad thing, the seed. I know, I know, it’s how science works, it’s the circle of life, blah blah, but you gotta admit, the seeds are a little annoying. They are tiny enough to get lodged in the gaps in between your teeth. Speaking of eating seeds, ever wondered why they don’t sprout in the stomach? Neither did I.
It is highly likely that I have now completed 50% of my lifespan, maybe even higher. It is safe to say that half my life is over. This is usually the time period when great people have a change of heart, or maybe they make life-changing decisions. I spend more time choosing a toothbrush. The closest I’ve come to making any major decision is to start taking psychiatric treatment. Yesterday my blood work came in, and it doesn’t look good. I’m not dying by any means but the Cholesterol is not looking great.
Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, it felt okay to socialize. I talked to a variety of people ranging from addicts to even a priest. I was having a good time. The depression comes back when I reach home, but I am feeling hopeful. For one thing, I have chosen to take the path to mental recovery. I just hope my body can keep up.
It takes a lot of energy to think. It takes just as much energy to think as much as a workout. It’s a muscle too, just like the dick, and it’s one of the main reasons why I haven’t done much thinking for the past five years. When I was a kid I did a lot of thinking. I used to think like, did I do the right thing? Was the principle of it right? What is the actual root of the problem? How else would it have played out? It’s like there was lot of free space in the head, to think. Now, it’s mostly medication, depression, worrying about the future, meditation, trying to find peace, no jerking off, aggressively defending myself from bullies, and Youtube.
The ATM
Why are companies trying to push their editing software on us? There’s grammarly, wordpress, now even Microsoft is in the game. Every now and then I get a notification saying “get Microsoft editor for free and write like a pro on the web”. Let me tell you something Microsoft, I AM a pro on the web. I don’t need you to correct my spelling or grammar. It’s what makes me think and be creative. If you take that away, then I lose my uniqueness. I will make errrors. I will mess up speling. Actually, I don’t mind you fixing the spelling. Keep doing that.
There’s an ATM machine that I walk by everyday from work, and I see water leaking from it everyday. Then I noticed it was coming from the windows. There was so much condensation on there, it looked like a waterfall. I think the AC is set to “oh shit”. Let me tell you the climate of Kolkata. It’s tropical. Humid, rainy, hot, not that great. Now imagine walking into a freezer. From 30 degrees straight to maybe 10. I see people walking in and out of there very quickly, like unusually fast. Is this some kind of ploy to get people out quickly? Also whatever happened to the security guards at these things? Frozen? Does the cash-refill team now have to do everything by themselves? It does look like the start of an action movie whenever those guys arrive. A van parks close and people who look like a SWAT team come out with guns, and everything is a hush hush operation. It’s difficult to say if the ATM is being robbed or replenished.
When people wearing glasses enter this ATM, they come out blind. It looks like dead people walking out of a freezer. This has been going on for maybe a week? I could just call the bank, but this is so much fun. This is not the first time this ATM has done strange things. One day, I walked in and I swear to God, a voice from above said “please take your mask off” in Malayalam. IN MALAYALAM! A language that is spoken thousands of kilometers away (kilometers and kilometers), literally on the other side of the country. That lady had no business speaking in Malayalam here. Granted, it was a recorded message, but the odds of me (a native Malayalam speaker) being asked to take my mask off, when all this while they’ve been asking us to keep it on, is quite astounding. And yes, at first I did go to the extent of thinking they scanned my face, worked out my ethnicity, and spoke to me in my native language, whereas it could have been just a simple programming error. I don’t know why I think these things.
Eat sleep repeat
I saw two ants walk by on the puddle-filled walk way back from work. If I had stepped on either one of the two, it would mean their death, but how significant would that death be? To the other ant, might be a great loss, but to the other clueless people walking by it’s not a big deal. Then I reached the exit gate, and lo and behold I see people walking back home from work. Tired, sweating, one behind the other in a line, just like the ants.
New things on YouTube
Some of the things YouTube has been suggesting me as of late is “bikini try-on videos (makes a lot of sense) a ton of podcasts, and “Van life”. And all of a sudden, living in a van is the most economical/smart/adventurous way to live. People who live in regular homes, go kill yourself cos Vanlife brings you closer to nature. It teaches you how to sleep in parking lots, and how to ask your mom for money. Also, it always has to be done solo. The moment you bring in a boyfriend, people stop watching your videos. Even mentioning the fact that you have a partner will make you lose subscribers because all the world wants is companionship. No one wants to hear about your lovey dovey life. That’s what most of us are trying to escape from. Just keep wearing short shorts and do yoga or something.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s me doing a character or do I actually believe the stuff that I am writing. Either way, have a wonderful day.
The third wheel
Today’s post is dedicated to all the computer mouses that were dumped due to a faulty “scroll wheel”. The mouse is a very primitive device. It is a direct link between you and the computer. In the beginning it only had one button. You move and click. Then came the double click. Then came the left and right buttons. Then another button that no one used. Then, as a crown of its achievements, it was awarded with a wheel that helped scroll through pages. What an innovation! It made scrolling through Facebook feel like a slot machine, always giving you hope of something better below the screen. The problem with the scroll wheel however, was that it stopped working after a while. It was always the first thing to go on a mouse. Then people had the wonderful idea to incorporate a button in the wheel, by making it clickable. So now we have a wheel and a button that doesn’t work. I have to give it up for the creators of the wheel though. It definitely gave you a sense of control. It stopped pages from sliding away, but then again it sucked! It would always malfunction, and just because of that, people would dump it for a new mouse. Also, no one repairs mouses. It’s one of those things that no one bothered to do because of the obvious cost vs effort problem. I myself am struggling with a wheel, and I am considering getting a new mouse. I grew so attached to the wheel! I can’t picture a world without scrolling. Click-to-scroll is a joke. The scroll bar kinda helps, but the real power lies within the wheel. That precision, that control, that uncanny ability to hide pictures when someone passes behind you. It’s like magic. Notice how it takes control of a volume slider? Makes you feel like an airplane pilot when you increase the volume using a wheel, doesn’t it?. Notice how phones are slowly becoming one handed? The mouse was a pioneer in the game way back when. You can operate an entire computer with just a mouse. Think about that for a second.
Fruits and festivals
I just had a vision of eating a banana, and finding out there’s mushrooms growing inside it. This year Puja is going to be lit. It’s going to be so fantastic, I am not even kidding, the BBC might even cover it. Sadly, I will not be here. I will be elsewhere on the opposite side of the country, deep in thought, in God’s own country. I intend to indulge in various types of seafood while I’m there. I find my people cordial and respectful, but they do stare at tits. They just can’t help it.
I found fungus in a lemon cake at Mongini’s. They took a picture of it for proof, but unfortunately I smiled in the picture, so now it conveys the wrong meaning. I wouldn’t be surprised if they used it for promotion.
The Jack fruit has got to be alien. There’s no other fruit like it. It’s round, it’s got spikes, and it kills people when it falls (it’s a thing, google it). It exists in various forms and oh my God, all of them taste heavenly. Be it a cake, pudding, deep fried or baked, the Jack fruit is the Jack of all fruits.
Water world
Two weeks ago, when I came home from work, I found two inches of water on my bedroom floor, living room, and another bedroom. The reason why I am able to talk about this, and remain calm is because I am on medication. We couldn’t identify the source of the leak (me, two drunk plumbers, and a security guard). My best bet is on the toilet bowl. I have seen it turn into a fountain from time to time. It’s like that elevator scene from the Shinning, except it’s shit water. I am not kidding. Water shoots up from the toilet bowl into the air and is accompanied by a loud sound, like an explosion. Now, why this happens is not a mystery. It has to do with the movement of water, and the art called plumbing. There is good plumbing and there is bad plumbing, and although I am feeling the need to make jokes of the sexual nature, I am going to refrain myself because I am feeling depressed. What’s even more mysterious is that that night, I got a call from a man with a beard. What makes it mysterious is that this bearded man always calls me when I am in deep shit. I explained to him that one of my nightmares had come true. I was sitting on a bed, surrounded by water. If a bird had come sat on my head, the portrait would have been complete. It would have looked like one of those movies on Mubi. Yet, I talked to my friend happily. I was calm. I was happy that he had called. We laughed. I made him uncomfortable with a lot of inappropriate humor. He calmed me down. Is he a messenger from God? Have I met him in a past life? Is there a mild possibility that he was my wife in the past life? Is he a guardian angel? Does he just want to profit off of my mental illness? Time will tell, but until then, I want to leave you all with a new quote I’ve been working on. “Time and tide will wait for no man”.
Random Thought Beam 