Me and my friend were wandering the streets aimlessly when we spotted a photography exhibition. When I saw they were giving out free snacks, I said, “fuck yeah!” and walked in looking like pro photographers, looked at all the photos, concluded they were mediocre and were about to leave when a lady came up to us and started asking us questions. She held my hands and said, “are you his friends?”. Turns out, the photos were taken by her son, who passed away a year ago. The exhibition was to help preserve his photos in a museum. We came clean and told her the truth. She was surprised, but insisted we take a look at a book about her son, that was written by his friends. She kept holding my hand for some reason. She wouldn’t let go. At one point of time, she even tried to hug me. I could tell she missed her son badly. I read a few pages of the book. Fortunately, I hadn’t forgotten how to read.
I ended up attending the whole event and I also gave a speech on “photography” and “a photographer I never knew” to a group of about fifty strangers. Among them were government officials, old people, crazy little children and more old people. Great day, great food, memorable awkwardness.
At 4:00pm today, I will be surrounded by 20 people, in a small room, for 4 hours. Sadly, it’s not going to be a gang-bang. I am not afraid. I have prayed to the god of social superiority(Deadpool).
Colleague: “I have the kind of health issues that don’t show up on medical test reports”.
Me: “Its okay. I sometimes get awkward boners during lunch breaks. They don’t show up on test reports either”.
That sums up almost everything I wanted to say in this post.
In other news, I almost got killed today by a sewer pipe.
Damn thing collapsed a second before I was going to walk underneath it. Right after it happened, the construction worker looked at me like, “well, thank god!”. I’m like,”mmmmotherfucker!. You almost crushed a living legend”.
To celebrate the fact that I escaped death today, I decided to do something out of the ordinary. Being the dare devil that I am, I decided to ‘step out’ of the house. More specifically, I decided to re-join the gym. As you all know, I am a fitness freak. When it comes to fast food, I maintain a strict ‘no burgers, no pizza’ rule on all leap years.
The instructor was happy to see me. He asked me why I quit going to the gym in the first place. I explained to him the hardships that a single, middle-class, straight, stellar looking guy in his late 20’s has to face. However, I hid the fact that I was bullied by two little girls at the gym.
No jokes in this post. Seriously, no jokes.
When the weekend finally rolled in, I wasn’t feeling well. So I decided to kick back and rest. I ended up not talking to anyone for a whole two days. I didn’t go out either. But then, Sunday night came along and I thought I should probably start cooking. So I cleaned myself up and went outside to get some ‘utensils’. I knew a shop nearby. It had giant glass doors in the front. So you could see everyone inside. I thought to myself, “whoa! that’s a lot of people”. I suddenly felt a little uncomfortable. All of a sudden I didn’t want to go inside. It was like there was an invisible force-field preventing me from getting through. Seeing all those people through the glass doors made me anxious. But it didn’t make sense. I do this all the time. I couldn’t figure out what the problem was. What’s even more fucked up was, when I tried to force myself in, I felt a strange pain inside my head. Like, actual physical pain. This scared me a little. I remember feeling this way only when I experience extraordinary amounts of anxiety. The people inside the store started noticing me. So I thought, “the heck with it”. I pushed the door open and I went inside. I couldn’t look at people’s faces and I didn’t end up buying anything but I felt slightly relieved.
I’ve learned one big lesson today. Fuck stores. Just get it online. I’m kidding.
If I don’t go out for a long time/interact with people, I forget how to socialize. It won’t happen again.
Yesterday, while jamming with the band I got up from the throne(kudos to the person who named the drum-seat), walked up to the mic and announced that I was not gay. Suddenly everything stopped. People stopped talking to each other, the music stopped playing, (oh I almost forgot) the clock stopped ticking. Then a girl burst out laughing. In my mind I went, “Woohoo! This is my calling. Stand-up comedy, here I come”.