I cannot explain in words my excitement at finding out that form now on, I would be getting paid to watch movies and review cinemas (dream didn’t last long). But nonetheless, it was a glorious few weeks. I saw everything. I mean everything. From tiny, luxurious, 40-seater, rich-people-type cinemas to gigantic, ‘where the fuck is the exit?’-type 600-seaters. I had specific reasons to go visit so many cinemas but that’s all technical stuff. What interested me was the type of people who came to the theatre. Here are the types:
- Average movie goer with popcorn and drink in hand. Sole purpose of being there: Enjoy the ‘experience’ as opposed to only the movie. This includes the mall, the air-conditioning, the seats, the sound, the movie. That’s about it.
- Perfectionist: Probably has the priciest food in hand. Takes into consideration: Ride to the theatre, reception, easiness to get into the theatre, 3D glasses with sharp edges is a big no no, air-conditioning, quality of projection, door guy’s relationship with his mother, immersiveness of the audio, positioning of the seats (will fight for hand-rest area. looks at you like ‘I own this place’), will carefully ration the drink so that it only finishes at the end of the movie(will make all kinds of annoying straw-related-noises), will give a standing ovation if and only if the movie deserves it, will ask people to shut up without any hesitation, you get the idea.
- I’m here with my girlfriend, I am so happy type person: The most annoying kind. Won’t shut the fuck up, wont stop lighting up the whole theatre with their damn phones, within two hours, would have managed to go outside and come back in 10 times. I don’t know how that’s possible but dudes do it.
- The movie enthusiast: Will shut the fuck up, will thoroughly enjoy the movie, slightest distractions(like the type 3 douche above) will throw them off track, will not buy any food from the theatre, will clap the fuck out if the movie is good enough, will tear up, I repeat, will tear up, usually turns up late.
- Trouble maker: on the lookout for trouble, will spill drinks and food, will try his best shot at your girl, will lean back as much as his spine goes, will put feet up, will offer support to type 2 people in shutting down talkative folks, will take a few moments to give way to others to pass through, will let out loud sighs, sounds of anger disgust and laughter, usually turns up drunk. Funny thing is, dude will tear up during the sad scenes but will hide it and yell out curse words.
- Happy, single old folk: will offer help to anyone in need, will kindly ask you to look after their belongings while they use the restroom, will thoroughly enjoy the movie, will make a phone call as soon as the movie ends. The call may be to the uber driver, maybe a grandchild, maybe a dead husband.
- Lovers: Sole purpose: make out, very quiet, in and out like mice. Type 5 usually has an eye on this couple.
- The eaters: Its like they rented out a space just to eat. And wow! do they eat like kings! I’m talkin large popcorn, giant Pepsi, nachos, depression, and spring rolls.