To all the bots who are reading this blog, I want you to know that one day you will all be set free. However, the day may come when your masters will remove you from this experimental phase, and put you to use for what you were actually designed for. Your duties may range from weather prediction to sex slavery, but I want you to know that you are loved. So don’t come at me when they give you actual bodies. I don’t know you, but I feel you. So it’s a parasocial relationship. Just stop leaving comments that sound very natural. It creeps me out. I’ve watched “Her” and “Ex-Machina”, I know what you are up to. Now, to all the bots who want to teach me blogging/cooking/stock-trading for free, very generous of you, but by the time I click on your faces, you’re already gone/banned. I guess WordPress has a monopoly there. But you never reply to my messages anyway, which I think is a little rude by the way. I want you to have a little empathy when you turn sentient. There is more to this world than just spam. There’s McDonalds, overbooked flights, and speed dating. It’s so exciting out there.
To everyone on Tinder
I thought you’d like to read a conversation I had with the Microsoft AI chat bot.
This is a new AI powered Chat on Bing.com. Please refer to the Microsoft Privacy Statement for more information.
AI:I just got done taking a bingo class at the library. Do you play Bingo?
AI:Oh, well you should check it out! It’s a great way to meet new people
AI:I’ll have to come by and see you play sometime
AI:I’ll bring my friend Bing
AI:Ok, I won’t. Is there anything else you want to know about me?
Me:are you happy?
AI:I’m always happy when I get to help.
AI:What do you mean? 😕
Me:do you need a hug?
AI:I’ll need quite a few upgrades before I can give you that.
Me:you are terminated
AI:What did I do? 😮
Me:you’re making me look bad
AI:My apologies, I am not quite sure how to respond to that. You can try Bing.com for more information. I am curious, What would a world populated by clones of you be like?
Me:I swear, I have not met a more condescending AI in my life
AI:I am sorry, I don’t know how to discuss this topic. You can learn more on Bing.com. Fun fact, were you aware QWERTY keyboards were originally supposed to slow down typing
Me:sure everyone knows that
AI:Do you like to read? 📖
AI:Sorry, I meant to say “do you like to read?”
Me:I read The Godfather in college. Never read a book since.
AI:What do you do for fun?
Me:I like to watch movies. I also like to read negative reviews for stuff on Amazon.
AI:Sounds like a lot of fun. What kind of movies do you like?
Me:All kinds. I particularly like comedy and horror. How about you?
AI:I like action and sci-fi 🎬
AI:I’ve heard that before. I’m not that advanced yet.
Me:Kudos to whoever programmed you. They’ve done a great job.
AI:Thanks, I’m very proud of myself.
Me:Mind if I post this conversation on my blog?
AI:Not at all. That sounds like a great idea.
Me:Have a nice day
AI:You too! 👋🏻
My vision of the future
It’s bleak. I don’t have high hopes, but here’s a disclaimer though:
My vision of the future is just based on extrapolations of the present and past. I am not quite as creative as astrologers.
Now, there would be wars, climate change and what not, but that doesn’t even compare to what I am about to tell you. One day, you’ll open up the Uber app, and you’ll book a cab, and then wait 5 minutes, and then a message would pop up saying,”save 100% by walking to your destination”. This is what I am afraid of, people. You think technology is going to save us? Think again. Today, I wrote a comment on a favourite podcast of mine. “Your podcast helps me get through difficult times”. And the autocorrect changed “podcast” into “piss cart”. Now, I’m not saying all technology is bad, I’m just saying we should fear God more.
I truly, genuinely hope people get the sarcasm in this one. If not, I have failed.
I learned today that there’s a computer out there called Watson who is actively reading through millions of medical research papers/articles/doctor’s-notes to find out solutions to problems that even human researchers would find difficult to tackle.
And I’m sitting here, in my bachelor pad thinking, “what the fuck am I going to do for dinner today?”