advise

How to be introverted and cool at the same time

Ever get phone calls that you just don’t want to answer? Fuck it. Don’t answer it. If they keep calling, answer the phone, and make sexual noises.

When you come home to see all the neighbours sitting right outside your damn door, chilling, having a good time, and they look at you eagerly, hoping you would say something? Travel back in time, wear a pollution mask (the kind that is not easily removable), because, let’s face it, you’re already dead inside. You died the moment you saw the group of neighbours having fun, so close to your own dwelling. Their public display of togetherness and friendship shattered your heart into tiny little pieces.

If someone at work puts a hand down on your table (in a completely non-flirty way), and tries to make conversation?

a) Drop a pen, go under the table, pick it up, and never get back up

b) Turn behind, start talking to the other co-worker who you never even knew existed.

How to gain followers and get more likes

Write better posts

Just kidding

Travel to Kolkata. Go to the ‘New Embassy’ hotel at Elgin. Do not be afraid of the eerie atmosphere or the lack of electronic payment options or the motionless manager. Order dry garlic pork. Eat it. Enjoy it. Bathe in it. When the waiter comes over with the bill, start chanting the ‘whispers of the lost arts’

“I wish Christopher Nolan made one more Batman movie”

“I wish Christopher Nolan made one more Batman movie”

“I wish Christopher Nolan made one more Batman movie”

A one-eyed pony will meet you in the restroom. Explain to it your views on passive euthanasia. Depending on your views, the pony will gift you ‘Kalanick’s 10100’ card which you can use to buy wordpress premium. Publish a post titled ‘Planned obsolescence’ and watch the likes soar.