“Speak your mind man”, said my boss after discussing my salary. “Dude, if I spoke my mind you would need therapy to get your normal life back”.
Its not just him. Its everyone. Family, friends, strangers. “Speak up. Let it out”. I actually do not have any fear of speaking. It is what I say that I am afraid of. All of these people who say “Speak up. Its ok. You can tell me anything” will just run away if I start talking because I am a real person. I don’t sugar coat things. I say things as they are.
However, I also tend to say a lot of random nonsense that I consider to be “jokes”. These have some sort of a magical property of repelling people away instantly. Its quite useful sometimes.
I am extremely lucky to have a handful of friends with whom I can “speak my mind”. But fuckin “life” comes in there too and fucks it up for everybody. I wish I could live with my friends for ever. No, there’s nothing gay about it. Hell, we don’t even live in the same country anymore.
I’ve never had this trouble until I reached high school. Because until then, my mouth did not have a filter. I used to speak my mind. It was also during this time that I had friends. Many friends. Aha! Eureka!
I am now at a point in my life where I have completely lost the ability to socialize. Yes, its 100% gone. I did it! Woo hoo! Feels great. I feel like I deserve a medal or something. Or a hug. I prefer the hug over the medal actually.
I tried. I gave it my best. How can you conquer something that deep down you know you don’t want? I have begun to really really like not talking to people. I am very happy by myself. Ha ha. But it worries me because I know that’s not good.
I can relate to this song in so many ways. So it feels like this song was a gift.
I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. I am talking about casual talk. I can’t hold a conversation for more than a few minutes. Either one of us gets bored quickly and the conversation fades. I’ve been trying to fix this for a long time. I tried to fix it only because I wanted to feel normal. What’s weird is that I never realized that I am not good at talking to people until now. Up until now I never had to put in effort to make friends. They came in plenty at school! I am in my late 20s now. I am still close friends with my college mates. However, now we live in different parts of the world and that fucking sucks.
For the past few months, I’ve been forcing myself to start conversations with random strangers. Funny thing is that it worked. Almost everyone I talked to responded very well. It is what happened afterwards that I didn’t like. I quickly got bored of the talking. So I modified my approach. I blurted out only the important things and then I walked away. Ha ha. Weird and proud!
I’ve stopped trying so hard because I found out that deep down, I don’t really care. I’ve realized that I enjoy being alone, doing things only I like. I keep myself company. Going to watch movies alone has opened up a whole new world for me. I now immerse myself in the movie. I don’t have to worry about weather the other person likes the movie or not. You might think that I am trying to fill the void in my life by doing all of this but no. I know what its like to be with someone. I know what its like to be with a group of friends. It doesn’t quite work for me anymore. Then why blog about it? Well, its because I am not entirely sure if what I am feeling is right. Initially the title of this post was “I am not good at talking to people and its okay”.