social life

Man is a social animal? Really? Nah!

I am now at a point in my life where I have completely lost the ability to socialize. Yes, its 100% gone. I did it! Woo hoo! Feels great. I feel like I deserve a medal or something. Or a hug. I prefer the hug over the medal actually.

I tried. I gave it my best. How can you conquer something that deep down you know you don’t want? I have begun to really really like not talking to people. I am very happy by myself. Ha ha. But it worries me because I know that’s not good.

The universe did it again

Something incredible happened to me today. Here’s the short version:

I stepped outside the house and made friends.

That’s right. I left the comforts of my cozy apartment with its “high speed” internet and everything to wander about aimlessly through the streets.

Why is “me stepping outside the house” a big deal?

This is super embarrassing but it is also the truth. I broke up with my girlfriend a few weeks ago. Since then I have confined myself to my apartment. No travelling, no music, no outdoor stuff, no talking, no nothing. Everyday, I would leave for work, come back, watch videos on YouTube and go to bed when my back started to hurt. I kept asking myself – Why did you do it you looser? Actually the voice in my head used many more expletives which I will not be revealing here as this is a children-friendly blog after all(unfuckingbelievable). I’m sure you’ve heard/done all this before but for a person like me who is not very social as it is, this isolation was at an extreme level. I hated everything and everybody. I became super productive at work though. Don’t know how the hell that happened!

So on Saturday I decided to end this misery. I called up two of my friends who I haven’t talked to in a while and planned to go watch a movie the next day. Then I did the unthinkable. I stepped outside. While I sat on the sidewalk eating, a girl came sat next to me. We started to talk. The conversation went well, marked by surprised shouts of “Oh you’re from the south? me too!” “No way! You like shawarma too?” “Oh shit! you’re a hooker?” wait… the last one may have been just a question in my mind. Anyway… she had incredible stories to tell and she was also unbelievably honest.

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While walking I saw a couple with their little girl. Their accent sounded familiar. So I talked to them. Fast forward a few minutes. I find myself sitting on their couch watching a movie with them, their two year old sitting on top of my head. I had actually made friends. Incredible! Then I went for a long walk. On the way, I met a couple of guys playing football. They saw me staring at them and asked if I wanted to join.

It was like the universe had a board meeting regarding my pathetic condition. This is probably how the meeting went:

Alright listen up. Looks like this looser is going to kill himself if he goes on like this. Lets try giving him some friends. That’ll work! And just so that he wouldn’t get too happy, lets make him move. The funny thing is that I know for sure that I will not speak to or see these people again! However, it was nice to feel normal for a single day.

High five universe!

Just when you thought you’ve seen all the cool stuff on the internet:

https://www.jpl.nasa.gov/visions-of-the-future/

I am not good at talking to people and its okay…sort of

I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. I am talking about casual talk. I can’t hold a conversation for more than a few minutes. Either one of us gets bored quickly and the conversation fades.  I’ve been trying to fix this for a long time. I tried to fix it only because I wanted to feel normal. What’s weird is that I never realized that I am not good at talking to people until now. Up until now I never had to put in effort to make friends. They came in plenty at school! I am in my late 20s now. I am still close friends with my college mates. However, now we live in different parts of the world and that fucking sucks.

For the past few months, I’ve been forcing myself to start conversations with random strangers. Funny thing is that it worked. Almost everyone I talked to responded very well. It is what happened afterwards that I didn’t like. I quickly got bored of the talking. So I modified my approach. I blurted out only the important things and then I walked away. Ha ha. Weird and proud!

I’ve stopped trying so hard because I found out that deep down, I don’t really care. I’ve realized that I enjoy being alone, doing things only I like. I keep myself company. Going to watch movies alone has opened up a whole new world for me. I now immerse myself in the movie. I don’t have to worry about weather the other person likes the movie or not. You might think that I am trying to fill the void in my life by doing all of this but no. I know what its like to be with someone. I know what its like to be with a group of friends. It doesn’t quite work for me anymore. Then why blog about it? Well, its because I am not entirely sure if what I am feeling is right. Initially the title of this post was “I am not good at talking to people and its okay”.

I am straight

Begin “offensive” post:

I am a straight guy. Why am I saying this? Well, if you are like me (antisocial and attracts gay attention), you would understand. Part of the reason why I decided to make this post is that I read another blog where this brave guy reveals how he was abused as a child by his father, how he is coping with the trauma, how he used to view women as objects, etc. Good news is that he is now, a fantastic human being who lives for his two daughters. His post gave me the courage to make my own post. Its not like I have had dangerous encounters with gay people or anything but I do think I am at the brink of one.

The irony in all this is that I have been a LGBT supporter all my life. Good news is that I still am. I don’t hate anyone. I respect everyone. I think the factors that keep me from making friends are also causing the gay attention. The reasons I am talking about are stuff like shyness, no interest in sports and general guy stuff. My interests are not mainstream. I feel like its hard to find people with similar interests as mine where I live.

Fortunately, I have good friends at my new workplace. I like my job too. These are the only good things happening now. Everything else sucks. Time for a loooong walk and some deep thinking!

Hey guess what? I would really appreciate your comments! So comment. Or don’t. That’s cool too.