I don’t get invited to a lot of parties and if do, I refuse immediately. Its just my inability to socialise. No big deal. But I went to a party today. I went because the person who invited me put it in a very interesting way. This is kind of what she said:
“I know your issue with a large group of people. Yes, there will be some of those ‘fancy stuck-up rich people’ that you talk about but most of them are humble and best of all, they have a good sense of humour. There will be people of all ages(there really was!). There’s no way all of them will react badly to your craziness. You don’t know these people. You might never see them again. So go ahead and embarrass yourself.
So I did and… I wouldn’t say I nailed it but I sure as hell survived it. The highlights of the event were:
I did not offend anyone
I weirded-out a few but they’ll be alright
I talked to everyone
Didn’t get uncomfortable with the ladies
So I am here now. I am still alive. I am looking forward to the next party. Actually, no. Not immediately.
A party isn’t a nightmare
A party is practise
Two years have gone by since I moved to Kolkata. Life’s been great so far. However, whenever I get too happy my phone does a good job of reminding me that I have zero friends outside of work. So I did what anyone else would do in these situations. Drum roll… ta da! I turned to religion.
Last Sunday morning I decided to go to church. Thought I would go see what our friendly church-goers are up to. I was expecting to see a lot of the “lets all stare at the new guy to make him super uncomfortable” routine. To my surprise, no one gave a shit and it felt great. That was until halfway through mass. I noticed a lady wearing cargo shorts staring at me. She looked at me and smiled. Then I did the unthinkable. I looked right back at her and without any hesitation gave her a super wide smile. There were no negative thoughts like “Is she super religious? Should I go talk to her? Will she kill me after mass?”. All that was going on in my mind was,” Fuck yes! I did it! Finally accepted by society. That’s all that matters. It’s all uphill from here”.
I was walking back home when I was stopped by (you guessed it) lady in the cargo shorts. After an initial “Hi I saw you at church” introduction, began a questioning spree “Where are you from? You don’t look like you’re from here. Where do you stay? Do you like it here? Do you have some cash on you?”.
Why do you mock me universe? Why?
Just like any other day I was sitting in my office planning how to deploy artillery around the campus when I heard the boss say something. My brain could not process what was coming out of its mouth. It kept making a weird noise. It sounded like “Party” aka nightmare. “We are having a party at my place tomorrow. I would like you to come” For some reason my immediate answer was “why?”. But what I really wanted to ask was “why should I come? You don’t own me. Why do you always refer to yourself as ‘we’? Are you a legion or something?”.
Long story short, what should have been a perfect evening with my drums, Rick, Morty and Mindhunter is now ruined because I have to talk to “people” instead. Thanks a lot life! I don’t think it’ll be that bad though. Unless a whole group of people try to corner me and force me to talk. I resort to arson in those situations. Which is highly unlikely given my celebrity status in the office.
“Speak your mind man”, said my boss after discussing my salary. “Dude, if I spoke my mind you would need therapy to get your normal life back”.
Its not just him. Its everyone. Family, friends, strangers. “Speak up. Let it out”. I actually do not have any fear of speaking. It is what I say that I am afraid of. All of these people who say “Speak up. Its ok. You can tell me anything” will just run away if I start talking because I am a real person. I don’t sugar coat things. I say things as they are.
However, I also tend to say a lot of random nonsense that I consider to be “jokes”. These have some sort of a magical property of repelling people away instantly. Its quite useful sometimes.
I am extremely lucky to have a handful of friends with whom I can “speak my mind”. But fuckin “life” comes in there too and fucks it up for everybody. I wish I could live with my friends for ever. No, there’s nothing gay about it. Hell, we don’t even live in the same country anymore.
I’ve never had this trouble until I reached high school. Because until then, my mouth did not have a filter. I used to speak my mind. It was also during this time that I had friends. Many friends. Aha! Eureka!
I am now at a point in my life where I have completely lost the ability to socialize. Yes, its 100% gone. I did it! Woo hoo! Feels great. I feel like I deserve a medal or something. Or a hug. I prefer the hug over the medal actually.
I tried. I gave it my best. How can you conquer something that deep down you know you don’t want? I have begun to really really like not talking to people. I am very happy by myself. Ha ha. But it worries me because I know that’s not good.
I can relate to this song in so many ways. So it feels like this song was a gift.
I’ve tried. It doesn’t work. I am talking about casual talk. I can’t hold a conversation for more than a few minutes. Either one of us gets bored quickly and the conversation fades. I’ve been trying to fix this for a long time. I tried to fix it only because I wanted to feel normal. What’s weird is that I never realized that I am not good at talking to people until now. Up until now I never had to put in effort to make friends. They came in plenty at school! I am in my late 20s now. I am still close friends with my college mates. However, now we live in different parts of the world and that fucking sucks.
For the past few months, I’ve been forcing myself to start conversations with random strangers. Funny thing is that it worked. Almost everyone I talked to responded very well. It is what happened afterwards that I didn’t like. I quickly got bored of the talking. So I modified my approach. I blurted out only the important things and then I walked away. Ha ha. Weird and proud!
I’ve stopped trying so hard because I found out that deep down, I don’t really care. I’ve realized that I enjoy being alone, doing things only I like. I keep myself company. Going to watch movies alone has opened up a whole new world for me. I now immerse myself in the movie. I don’t have to worry about weather the other person likes the movie or not. You might think that I am trying to fill the void in my life by doing all of this but no. I know what its like to be with someone. I know what its like to be with a group of friends. It doesn’t quite work for me anymore. Then why blog about it? Well, its because I am not entirely sure if what I am feeling is right. Initially the title of this post was “I am not good at talking to people and its okay”.