Life

Since my lungs threatened to give up, I now have to wear an air pollution mask/respirator whenever I leave the house.

Pros:

  1. I look like Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat
  2. I have a reason to not talk to people. I can just point to the mask, and walk away. Amazing.
  3. I stay alive

Cons:

  1. The inside of the respirator smells like an unused refrigerator
  2. New ATM rules require me to remove the mask while withdrawing cash

My space in the sky

Years ago my aunt gifted me a toy. It was basically a kit to spy on people. I don’t know why they made it for kids, but anyway… it had a motion sensor, different kind of lights, and interestingly, a telescope attachment. At that time my innocent mind did not get the idea to go look into other people’s houses, and thank god, because that would have ended up as a very different blog post. So luckily, I ran up to the terrace at night, and there it was, that bright white light. I quickly grew tired of holding the tiny telescope. So I made an ‘arrangement’ where I could lie down on the floor and look through the spy-telescope (without holding it) into the night sky for any amount of time. This became a nightly thing. Every night I would pack up my stuff, and go on this little picnic to the top of the house (I hadn’t discovered porn yet), and it was just me, lying there in the cold, peering into the heavens with a spy-telescope. It never got boring because THERE WAS SO MUCH STUFF OUT THERE! Stuff I couldn’t believe! I told my mom, “mom!, you will not believe what I saw! there are these stars, they are in a straight line, and the moon has so many craters on it!”, and my mom was like, “did you see the moon rabbit?”, and I just froze man. Never have I ever thought so highly of my mother before. It was all downhill from there, but still…I got to see a frickin rabbit on the moon! The reason why I remembered all of this is because, I know I am lucky enough to live in a place where they have a fantastic planetarium, and I know they give free astronomy classes. Also, there are  skywatching communities. The only problem is…well…people.

Lies

My sister is a Psychiatrist (that does not guarantee that her views about people are right). She told me that CEOs of big companies tend to run a little low on this juice called Real- remorse, meaning they don’t give a shit about about the employees. I think this trickles down to the managers too. Today, how do I put this politely?,  well…this bitch-ass motherfucker lied to my face. I’ll keep the story simple. There’s a problem at the production line. Performance test of some units show deviations from the required standard. Instead of Christmas cheer, there’s panic in the air, because this particular model is in demand. The manager, let’s call him cocksucker for short, tells me ‘we’ need to solve this. I’ll make this story even shorter. He says he has a solution. I tell him his solution reminds me of what people used to do in the 90’s when TV sets didn’t work properly, they tapped on it. (I didn’t say it. I don’t got the balls). I tell him the reason why it won’t work. He does it anyway. Unit fails. Cocksucker doesn’t tell me it failed. Cocksucker tells me it passed ‘beautifully’, but the effort needed to implement his solution ‘outweighs’ the improvement in performance, hence ‘we’ need another solution. ‘I’ give him a solution, but I keep wondering where I went wrong. 

In the evening, I ask the lab what exactly went wrong with cocksucker’s solution. I find out what really went down. I go to cocksucker and I ask him what the fuck happened. Cocksucker tells me, “we didn’t use it because it failed”, with a smiling face.

I live by certain principles:

Chocolate has to be consumed cold.

Don’t fuck with people’s heads.

Shy boys

One day my mom told me I don’t have a personality. So I leaned over from the dining table, and gave her the finger. It’s just jokes you guys. I would never do that to my mother. She’s a kind and gentle human being, plus she would punch me in the throat. I ended up actually going for a personality development course because I didn’t have school, and also because my mother hated watching me enjoy life. While signing up for the classes, an old school teacher of mine saw me, and she made a face like, “what the fuck are you doing here?”. I explained to her that I had ‘issues’, and I needed therapy to ‘integrate’ myself back into society. I don’t know if you spotted it, but this was another joke you guys! I would never lie like that to a  teacher. I was traumatised by them as a child though.

I walked into the ‘room’ where they did the brainwashing, and lo and behold, there’s a beautiful girl sitting on a chair with a notepad, wondering whose life am I going to fuck up next (jokes guys). She recognized me. “I was your senior in school!”, she said. “Oh no!”, I said. Then began the self-introductions. I remember it was all guys. There was an obviously gay dude, and his five-year-old brother for some reason, an MBA student, a businessman and a few others. I’m not bragging, but it didn’t take long for me to turn into the centre of attraction. I saw the opening, and I took it. These were shy people, and if there’s one thing I am good at, it’s making shy people feel comfortable, because I know what it feels like to be shy. This story is starting to get boring and I am going to end it now.

The bananas have changed

I got the small ones yesterday. After eating half of it, I saw some red stuff oozing out from the middle everytime I took a bite. It was like a Stanley Kubrick movie. I googled it. Long story short, I don’t know what it is. It might be some kind of a fungus. Either way, its fucked. Today, I got the big ones, from a different shop. They tasted like antibiotics.

Update: the big ones are fine. I was sick.

This needs to change

I go to the hospital, I tell the receptionist I have a fever. She says the doctor I need to see won’t be in for another two hours. She says there’s nothing she can do. I didn’t want to waste time. I asked her if there’s anybody else I could talk to. She asks me to go to the medical officer. I go there, and I tell the damn officer the same thing. Medical officer gives me a piece of paper with a doctor’s name written on it (I’ve seen this type of shit go down in detective movies). I go to another reception, ask for the doctor. Consultation fee: 800Rs. Fuck. After paying, cashier asks me to go to yet another counter where they give you your ‘serial number’ which is your waiting list number. I go to the doctor’s room. I talked to a nurse, and confirmed my appointment. Hospital air conditioning was too cold. I get lunch. I come back. Doctor is late. I wait. Finally he arrives. He starts taking patients. I wait again. I get called. I turn into Mr. social. I comment on his professional looks. I try to make conversation. Nothing happens. He asks for blood pressure report. I don’t got no report. He says I should have done it before. No one one told me. I call the nurse. She checks my weight, blood pressure, asks me a few questions, I’m back to waiting. I see the doctor again. He asks me to do some tests. I go to the lab. They say I need to pay first. I go back to the reception. 3000 Rs. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I do all the tests. I ask for the results. Results will take one day. I say fuck no. I need to see doctor today. They give me the results. I go back to the doctor. I wait again. I show him the results. Luckily, I just needed to take a few medicines. But this was just one day at the hospital. I forget I am living in 2019. We have software. A lot of this hospital shit CAN be integrated. It should be a lot easier.
All of this went down a few weeks ago. I am still recovering, but a lot better.

I stayed an extra two hours at work today because I have nothing much to come home to.

 

 

 

Damn! I’m getting really good at writing these shitty dramatic lines. I make myself laugh when I write these 😂. My life still sucks though ☹️.

Breathe

I bombed last Sunday. I said jokes, people did not laugh. There’s no excuses. They just didn’t laugh. In my defence, there was noone in the cafe. That’s a lie. There were four people, but I still performed because that’s what champions do. All four of them were seated at a table, sucking hookah like scuba divers about to run out of oxygen.

Cosmic food

So I ate a leaf today, fried. They were selling it on the footpath. It tasted good. Reminded me of the nerd kid who used to indulge in dried leaves and glue back in school. He was bullied. I have bullied him. I genuinely hope he is okay.

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For some reason, it looks like a star cluster, or The Pillars of Creation

Today

Today I left work with a happy feeling. I am now, over depression. I feel rejunivated rejuvinated rejuvenated. I feel this energy flowing through…no wait, it’s the cash, it’s because I got the Durga Puja festival bonus cash. That’s why I feel happy.

On the way to the instrument store, I saw this.

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Now, I don’t know if you know this about me, but I love rolls. So I pointed at the crispy spring roll, and then I pointed at my mouth. You can imagine my sorrow, when the guy handed me this plate of disaster.

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The roll was severed into several meaningless pieces, and I ate them unwillingly, with a fork that has been in countless mouths.

I arrived at my destination right on time. I put my bargaining hat on, and entered the store where magic is made. Say hello to the latest and greatest addition to the percussion family, the practice pad.

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This is not a painting of a goat

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