Friends

FistBumpFriends- The best thing that can happen to anyone. Any problem in life is made easy with them. My friend circle is very small. So, moving far away from home has resulted in me getting completely cut off from them. However, we keep in touch almost daily over the internet. My problem with that is that it simply sucks.

I am a little picky when it comes to friends. Like any normal person would, I prefer like- minded people. In my case, that seems to be a little too much to ask for because(how do I make this non-cringe worthy?) my type doesn’t come in plenty! So now I’ve broadened the approach. I try to talk to whoever comes my way. This has resulted in many awkward conversations, sometimes giving off wrong signals and even turning flirtatious. I wish there was an easy way to do this. There are apps to do this sort of thing but I’m terrified to use them.

I realise now that I had been taking friends for granted. They came in plenty at school! You didn’t have to put any work into it! There were so many people around me that I had the luxury to choose people. But now, things are different. I have to work hard to make good friends. I have to, dare I say it, ‘go out’. The funny thing is that I never meet good friends this way. I meet interesting people in interesting ways! It usually happens by coincidence. It’s like the universe sends them to me. Since the universe has been awful quiet lately, I am forced to find friends on my own. I never realised it would be so hard. I am forced to make myself appealing to get to talk to people. I know that there is a natural tendency for people to want to hang out with other happy  people. This is why I admire people like Kevin Hart. He is one of my favourite comedians. I enjoy his shows, interviews, actually everything he does on camera. The energy he radiates is extraordinary. You can see this in every talk show he’s been on. He is one of those people who inspires people to get out there and do stuff. Unfortunately, I am not like him. I am not a very pleasing person and I am not always happy. I have also heard that successful people hagout with other successful people. I interpret it as ‘smart people prefer to keep their smartness fresh by hanging out with other smart people’ which is probably ignorant but hey! I don’t differentiate them when they seek my friendship!. Unfortunately, I tend to repel successful people very quickly!

I am now at a point in my life where I could really use a few good friends. I am not a total introvert who does not talk to anyone. I have a few friends at work. Here’s the problem: The friends at work are only friends at work. Unfortunately all of them stay very far away from the workplace and so I very rarely get to hangout with them outside the office. My friends from college are my closest. I was the happiest person in the world when a few of them came to visit me. I had the best time of my life. If I get a chance, I would rather visit them than go home.

I like watching talk shows on YouTube. Apart from the fancy high budget kind, I also like those  types where common people get together and talk about day-to-day problems that everyone face. Its even more awesome if they are funny and are also friends with each other. This leads me to think that my longing to have a group of friends has peaked to such a level that I like to watch people on YouTube have a good time. One positive thing that has come out of not having any friends is that my imagination is running wild! You know it is time to make friends as soon as possible when you start to imagine having conversations with imaginary people!

So here’s the thing about me that is really messed up: There actually was a point in my life not too long ago when I had a good number of friends. I enjoyed their company very much. However,as we hung out more and more, I started to get sick of them. I wanted to go back to my lonely miserable condition. I am not sure if it had anything to do with the group  that I hung out with but I really felt bad about it. I thought something was wrong with me. I was literally hunting for friends the whole time and when I finally had what I wanted, I wanted to get rid of them. It is really hard  to describe the feeling of not wanting too many friends. But that is not even the worst part. I actually wanted to be ALONE at that point. The people who I hung out with had not done anything to upset me. Its just weird.

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4 thoughts on “Friends

  1. I often feel the same way about friends. I have gathered a few over the years, and thanks to Facebook I have been able to maintain something resembling relationships. I’m a difficult person to get to know, and I have a hard time getting to know people. But I think that people with a lot of friends and who make friends instantly are suspect. Friendship is work. It is not easy, and it is worthwhile. In limited amounts! Cherise the ones you have, and don’t spread yourself thin!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I totally hear you.
    Whenever I seek good company there will be a point where I want to push them away or run just far enough to create distance. It’s still something Im trying to figure out but yeah this situation requires hard work.
    And it’s totally difficult cos I avoid small talks. I can be a person who has so much to say but tend to have awkward conversations with ‘new’ friends. Haha
    But then again who we are shouldnt be changed – adjusted a bit yes but never drastically changed cos it is such a relief when you find people who share the same amount of crazy that you have. (Sorry for this lengthy comment!)

    Liked by 1 person

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